The Sex was amazing??

bitemebankers

Person_one wrote: »

You can't categorically say that you have to be able to do that or your relationship isn't working though.

It's a good thing I'm not saying that then.

What I am saying is that if you can achieve that level of frank openness, you stand to gain a lot from it, particularly in the area of sexual fulfilment.

For example, in relationships where on or both partners has been a victim of abuse, or where either partner has particular disabilities, physical or mental health issues, sometimes it really is better and more loving to keep your fantasies to yourself and adjust around what makes you both happy and fulfilled.

Having been in exactly that type of situation in my last major relationship, I can't agree, at least not as a general rule. I'd rather not go into details but suffice to say, there was some pretty harrowing stuff. Being open with one another was exactly what was required. Even though we're no longer romantically involved, we remain close friends, in no small part because of the level of trust and openness we got to.

Person_one

bitemebankers wrote: »

Why ever not? If you can't share you deepest, darkest fantasies with your SO, who can you share them with? For me, having a LT relationships is about being able to share all this stuff. If you find your partner isn't accepting of what you are, it's time to find a new partner IMHO.

bitemebankers wrote: »

This saddens me. Don't you miss being able to be truly open with someone, in the safety of a serious relationship?

bitemebankers wrote: »

It saddens me because you're missing out on so much, and it appears you're in denial about it too. Still, if you're contented with your lot, I guess that's the main thing.

It's a good thing I'm not saying that then.

Fair enough, but I have to say that's the impression I got from these quoted posts and several more of yours in the thread.

ciderwithrosie_2

What strikes me is the people who say they couldn't have sex with a stranger are thinking of it from the point of view that you just walk into a nightclub (or wherever) and drag out the first person you see. Of the one night stands that I've had (many moons ago), you hit it off with someone, maybe spend a few hours in their company, feel some chemistry there and perhaps think that they could become a regular partner (OK, maybe I should have held out a bit longer and they might not have been just FONOs but I was young, keen and not so cynical as I am now). Having said that, I regret nothing, it's all experience and added to the rich tapestry that is me.

On the other point of divulging all your inner most fantasies to a long term partner, absolutely not. Fantasies don't have to be fulfilled or even discussed, how insecure could that make the other partner if you let slip that actually you would like to try x,y and z and they wouldn't feel comfortable with that or ever be able to meet the criteria? What often makes them so delicious is that they are in your head where no one else can see and you can indulge in them anytime you like, my 'washing up moments' as I like to think of them. I don't see it as being dishonest to my partner.

bitemebankers

Person_one wrote: »

Fair enough, but I have to say that's the impression I got from these quoted posts and several more of yours in the thread.

Fair enough. That's not what I intended though. In the first post you quote, I'm clearly talking about what's right for ME.

Otherwise, my position can be summarised thus: It doesn't mean the end of your relationship if you can't be completely open. However, you do stand to benefit a lot, in my opinion, if you can be. Am I being sufficiently verbose now?

bitemebankers

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

On the other point of divulging all your inner most fantasies to a long term partner, absolutely not. Fantasies don't have to be fulfilled or even discussed, how insecure could that make the other partner if you let slip that actually you would like to try x,y and z and they wouldn't feel comfortable with that or ever be able to meet the criteria?

I don't see why this would be a problem if they weren't already insecure to start with. It's just talking.

What often makes them so delicious is that they are in your head where no one else can see and you can indulge in them anytime you like, my 'washing up moments' as I like to think of them. I don't see it as being dishonest to my partner.

I'm not sure where in the debate it became labelled as a form of dishonesty - I don't see it like that at all.

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

No, my trust in people is due to my ex having an affair with one of her workmates. It's clear my judgement of people is not what it should be, so I can't trust anyone and I'm better off alone.

How old are you?

VestanPance

nickyhutch wrote: »

How old are you?

40, and getting close to notching up another one onto that.

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

40, and getting close to notching up another one onto that.

Wow. That's young to decide never to have a relationship again. I'm sorry you've had a rough time with your ex, but you surely accept that not all women cheat?

VestanPance

Possibly not, but I have no trust in anyone any more and I refuse to be some jealous trust issue relationship wreck type. I was a fairly quiet private type to the majority of people to start with and I'm far more closed off to people now.

I can't see me ever having the trust required with anyone to get involved in a relationship with them.

marisco_2

VestanPance wrote: »

I have no plans to change my stance on relationships. I lost trust in people and as you can see by my posting in this thread trust is very important to me, so I don't see me altering my stance on that particular subject.

Do you expect all other people that come into your life to not be trustworthy and to treat you badly? Or is it that you cannot bring yourself to trust them and think your own anxieties would push them away?