Bi-sexual teenager what's the rules?

gibson123

PasturesNew wrote: »

Why have sleepovers at all? I never did - and I wasn't ever aware of anybody in our village, or any school I went to, having them. They're not essential/compulsory.

Many of my daughters friends stay quite a distance away and unless I spend my evenings taxi driving and staying up late, sleepovers will remain a fact of life. Also some of the friend's parents have difficult relationships with their teens and we often get some-one staying over just to give them some space.

gibson123

A big thank you to everyone for a sensible debate and good educated answers. I am lucky that I have a lot of gay friends, but they are useless with this stuff! None of them have kids of their own. I am not a particularly fabulous mum but thanks to those that said so, my daughter is just used to having both gay and straight couples in her life so it is normal for her, she has even attended a gay wedding, she calls my gay friends the "fabulous" ones. I do believe she understands her own sexuality she has not had the worry that it is weird to be attracted to the same sex so maybe that is easier. And yes we all get attracted to same sex, but for me a quick fumble with my BF at 15 and a deal of embarassment afterwards convinced me of my straightness.

lostinrates

fluffnutter wrote: »

I expect that it's unusual to come out at that age. But everyone I've ever met who's gay knew from a far earlier age than 14.

I'll reiterate the comments of others.... Why does no one question a heterosexual's awareness of who they fancy yet are quick to say that gay people don't know their own minds?

Can you imagine being a 14 year old girl saying you fancy the latest fashionable squeeze for 14 years olds and having everyone say 'But how do you know you're straight? Don't you think you're a bit young to know? You've had no sexual experience, so how can you say you fancy so-and-so'? No? That's because it would never happen.

You don't 'find out' you're gay because you've snogged someone of the same sex and guess what! you liked it. You know you're gay because you're gay and you know it from the word get-go just like heterosexual people do. Experimenting with people of the same sex when you're young is just that, experimentation. Gay people do it. Straight people do it. It has no bearing on your sexuality.

I think it is fair to say some people don't feel they do know clearly whether they are straight or not. I now identify as straight (and feel in retrospect I probably was 'always' straight but open to experience). Certainly more than one of our friends we have always known as gay have 'changed' how they identify over the years. This tended to happen shortly after leaving university (sometimes after post grad education) and then in another 'flurry' around the age of thirty, a code of years either side. I am not close enough to all of them to feel its appropriate to ask why rather than just reassure then its all the same to us as their friends, but the ones I have done include people who previously said they always knew they were gay. Some have mentioned an inverse bigotry about coming out as straight, or bi with a stronger leaning to opposite sex. Interestingly in our circle the examples I know of apart are all male. ( apart from me, who never felt I knew I was anything until I 'knew' I was straight).



Anyway, Gibson, your family sound enviably emotionally stable! My solution would probably be sleepovers for all sexes (for all kids) with door open or in a living room. This is not Ime unusual in various households regardless of sexuality......


And we still have sleepovers occasionall in our thirties.:)

geoffky

Our house is sleepover central every weekend...Teenagers in all the spare bedrooms..

ska_lover

It seems OP that you are assuming that your daughter is going to be attracted to every single one of her friends that she has stay over. Please be assured that this isn't going to be the case. It seems that you must have a brilliant relationship with her if she has confided in her bisexuality to you, but you need to chill out as she will know you are assuming the worst of her..and that is uncool

tiger_eyes

I was a bisexual 14-year-old once and the OP's supportive attitude makes me happy.

Lotus-eater

valk_scot wrote: »

And just because two people who fancy each other are sleeping in the same room it does not mean they HAVE to be having sex for gawds sake. I remember sleeping over at friends houses after parties when I was a student, my boyfriend crashed out in a sleeping bag beside me and a dozen other friends of mixed sexuality and sex in the same room. Were we all having sex with our partners that night? No......

They don't HAVE to be having sex, but they may well do.

I've had relations in a room full of people at both ages, I wouldn't now, but I thought little of it then.
Yes the others around us knew, but so what, it didn't matter to me back then.

You're a great Mum and you should do whatever you think is right. I wouldn't let the whole gay thing worry you, if you would let her sleep with a boy at 16, then let her sleep with a girl at 16.

She's been very honest with you, treat her like the adult she almost is and discuss her stayovers. As others have said, it will happen anyway, so decide with her who will stay in her room and who will crash in a spare room.

Lunar_Eclipse

peachyprice wrote: »

At 14 more girls and boys that you would imagine have sexual feelings for their own sex, it's very common and very normal, what isn't as common is for a 14yo, who has absoultely no sexual experience to come out as being gay or bi.

I agree with this. I think it's very common for girls to fancy and feel in love with their friends at this age, who are not actually gay or bisexual. I can recall it at school (I had a best friend who admitted these feelings to me) and see even more of it now all over Facebook. I also have a very close adult friend who was bisexual when I met her, but now being in a traditional marriage, cringes at her past activity (as a lot of us do!) and recognises it as teenage lust.

On this basis, speaking objectively, I would acknowledge her feelings but be wary of using labels. If this was my daughter, I would also encourage her not to label her own sexuality, not that it's a big deal. She could be bisexual from now onwards, but it's far more likely that she won't be as an adult so I wouldn't make anything a big deal either way.

In terms of sleepovers, I'm unsure. I'm not a huge fan generally, purely because of the consequences of lack of sleep. Maybe larger groups instead of 1:1's?

bylromarha

Artytarty wrote: »

No sleepovers, they are for little kids , not sexually aware teens.

I used to have girlie sleepovers til I was about 17/18. Good group of mates to watch films late into the night with and talk about how far you'd gone and with whom.

Geminimum

Im 38 and my 14 yr old DD came out and announced she was gay earlier this year. I myself have gay male friends and have absolutely no problem with gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or hetro. As far as Im concerned, if your happy, then im happy, as simple as that.

As far as sleepovers are concerned, I dont see an issue, but thn again, I think it comes down to how well you can read your child. My 14 yr old has no desire for any sexual relations and although he has a "girlfriend", they are just really close girl friends. She has male gay friends at school who she supports thoroughly (she is 5'9 and about 16 stone).

I say, sit and talk with your daughter and only you will know if she can be trusted with the door shut or not, but even so, will you stay up all night listening out for them and can you watch them 24/7 - the simple answer is no. It all boils down to trust between parent and child and you need to make sure that she knows the consequences if she breaks that trust.

But good on you for being so supportive of her and only wish other parents were so open minded!