Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

poet123

I think that you have to try and separate your dislike and mistrust of your sister from the relationship she has with your father. You may have good reason to feel as you do but it does seem to be colouring your view of the situation. Fact; your father seems to be capable of making his own mind up at this point about life issues, he may be putting his foot down with your sister or just being hard to manage and so she appears to you to be negligent. Older people can have a happy knack of saying one thing to one set of relatives and quite the opposite to another. We have a similar issue at the moment with my husband's mother and his sister. They don't want confrontation or aggravation so they tell each side what they think they want to hear. It makes it hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes!!

You are clearly concerned, so if it was me I would go up, get them both round a table and air your concerns. Your father sounds as if he is capable of taking full part in this if he chooses. The outcome may or may not be to your liking but you will have tried. Offer alternatives to what your sister is suggesting and give reasons for your suggestions which will make your father think hard about the next move. Don't try to run your sister down or show your antipathy for her, he will defend her based on his promise to your mother. Good luck, and if it doesn't improve the situation you will have done all you can. At that point all you can do is turn up unannounced occasionally and ensure daily/regular contact is maintained by phone so that if things do slide you can be aware of it early.

LannieDuck

Ahh, didn't realise he owns the property. That makes more sense Any chance you could move closer to them?

andygb

LannieDuck wrote: »

Ahh, didn't realise he owns the property. That makes more sense Any chance you could move closer to them?

No chance. This is the only house we have lived in and we love it. It isn't anything flash (just a two bed semi), and it isn't as if we are the ones who have been hopping all around the country. To be honest, if we did move closer to them, I don't think they would appreciate it.

andygb

poet123 wrote: »

You are clearly concerned, so if it was me I would go up, get them both round a table and air your concerns. Your father sounds as if he is capable of taking full part in this if he chooses. The outcome may or may not be to your liking but you will have tried. Offer alternatives to what your sister is suggesting and give reasons for your suggestions which will make your father think hard about the next move. Don't try to run your sister down or show your antipathy for her, he will defend her based on his promise to your mother. Good luck, and if it doesn't improve the situation you will have done all you can. At that point all you can do is turn up unannounced occasionally and ensure daily/regular contact is maintained by phone so that if things do slide you can be aware of it early.

I think that with "normal people" this would be a possibility, but my dad can be very evasive and my sister will just blank you or simply walk away. She will not take any criticism or condradiction at all.
As for turning up unannounced, I am sure that this would not be a problem with many families, and there would be smiles, hugs and the kettle put on. The last time I turned up out of the blue, my sister scowled at me, and then in a bad tempered voice asked why I was there.

Acc72

andygb wrote: »

No chance. This is the only house we have lived in and we love it.

And that is fine, that is your decision.

However, it seems as though your sister is not in a position to make such a decision herself (she lives in her dads house, is not working and presumably does not have the means to move out if she wanted to ?).

From reading many posts on this site from both sides (and from personal experience) it is very difficult for people (even close relatives) to fully understand the dynamic of such a situation.

From the sound of things it may be that your sister is very unhappy in her current situation (you have not mentioned your dads feelings in any of this) and that it would be more constructive to offer them both support rather than critisism.

CH27

Have you got room for your dad to come & stay with you for a couple of weeks to see if he'll open up to you about how he's feeling & coping?

andygb

Acc72 wrote: »

And that is fine, that is your decision.

However, it seems as though your sister is not in a position to make such a decision herself (she lives in her dads house, is not working and presumably does not have the means to move out if she wanted to ?).

From reading many posts on this site from both sides (and from personal experience) it is very difficult for people (even close relatives) to fully understand the dynamic of such a situation.

From the sound of things it may be that your sister is very unhappy in her current situation (you have not mentioned your dads feelings in any of this) and that it would be more constructive to offer them both support rather than critisism.

My sister was the driving force behind their last two moves and also the proposed next move.
The problem is, that they are very similar characters, both very stubborn, and another trait is that they make impulse purchases (which this house was) without making adequate checks first.
With regard to my dad's feelings they are difficult to analyse, because he is very unemotional.
My sister however is very pleased with her lot, because she has a roof over her head and is not contributing anything.

CH27

andygb wrote: »

My sister was the driving force behind their last two moves and also the proposed next move.
The problem is, that they are very similar characters, both very stubborn, and another trait is that they make impulse purchases (which this house was) without making adequate checks first.
With regard to my dad's feelings they are difficult to analyse, because he is very unemotional.
My sister however is very pleased with her lot, because she has a roof over her head and is not contributing anything.

Do you see him on his own often enough for him to open up to you?
Does he have ways of talking to you best ie phone or email?

Pthree

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suki1001

edited because of post below.