Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

Treevo

andygb wrote: »

My dad is the home owner, and my sister was sacked because of her hygiene levels and attitude towards clients and relations.
My sister constantly runs down everything about my wife and I, including the fact that I am out of work. When they moved in 2007 to a place 50 miles away, he had to forego everything which he enjoyed - walking, golf and us. We are not made welcome in the house by my sister, and we have given up on Christmas and birthday presents because of the constant criticism. We wanted to take my dad out to a restaurant for his 80th, and were put off by my sister, who said that was not the sort of thing that he enjoyed. The next thing you know, she is showing off how she has taken them out to a Michelin starred restaurant.
Two years ago, we gave my sister an expensive digital camera for Christmas, and a year later she complained that it didn't work - why not mention it at the time?
We gave my late mother a bunch of Mothering Day flowers from John Lewis and about six months later, the sister complained that they were wilted, no good - why not complain at the time?

You seem quite jealous of your sister. Running her down for not matching your 'high' standards, but then it turns out that you're unemployed too.

Why do you keep mentioning expensive gifts that you've bought for others? It's very Hyacinth Bucket, and quite revealing about your character.

andygb

angelbob wrote: »

Why don't you have your dad live with you then, you moved away that was your choice

Yet another incorrect assumption, this thread is full of them, it would somehow seem that people like to invent scenarios.

I did not move away from them. When my wife and I were married twenty years ago, my sister announced that they were thinking of moving - at the time THEY were living TEN miles away from us. They then moved 250 miles away, to a place with a very damp climate - something which had a negative effect on my mother's health who was already suffering from heart and lung problems.
My mother died in 2007 and they moved back down here, but didn't want to move any closer than 50 miles.
They (my sister) want to move again, to a place which has "good shopping" - her words, and I have suggested that they move to our area, which has a mix of countryside, shopping and good transport links to London.
Unfortunately, the two places which they are considering are around 100 miles away, something which seems to me to be a ludicrous idea, given that my sister does not drive, and the only time that there is any contact is when we initiate it.

andygb

Treevo wrote: »

You seem quite jealous of your sister. Running her down for not matching your 'high' standards, but then it turns out that you're unemployed too.

Why do you keep mentioning expensive gifts that you've bought for others? It's very Hyacinth Bucket, and quite revealing about your character.

I am not in the least bit jealous of my sister - her personal hygiene levels are disgusting, she does not drive, she cannot use a computer, she is grossly overweight. She has made no effort to get out and meet people, have relationships, and has spread malicious lies about us and other married relations.

As for my "high standards", I am just an ordinary person, my wife and I are an ordinary couple.

I have only mentioned one expensive gift, something which I thought she would be really interested in, unfortunately that was received in a very churlish manner.
The flowers were just an ordinary bunch from JL, and the reason why I mentioned the shop, was that most people know about their customer service. It was not my mother who complained, it was my sister, and it was months later.

claretsgirl

I have read this thread with interest. It must be a very difficult situation for you. However, in all of this, what is it that your dad would like? Has he shown any preference. (Apologies if I have missed this somewhere).

andygb

claretsgirl wrote: »

I have read this thread with interest. It must be a very difficult situation for you. However, in all of this, what is it that your dad would like? Has he shown any preference. (Apologies if I have missed this somewhere).

My dad is quite an active bloke for his age, but a lot of the things which he enjoys doing are not possible, largely due to their location.
My sister likes shopping, watching television and eating. She has organised a few holidays for the pair of them since my mother died, but on each occasion my father has grumbled about them - cruises (he does not like being confined to one place), holidays to Europe by coach (he absolutely hates long coach journeys, and when my mother was alive, would let my sister and mother go and he would stay at home). He used to play golf, but there is no golf course or driving range nearby.
He has confided in me years ago, that he is afraid of my sister leaving home if he speaks out against her, and that he promised my mother before she died, that he would look after my sister - should it not be the other way around? I then said that my sister is hardly likely to leave because she has never lived away from home (excluding her job as a live in carer), and also that she could not afford it.

suki1001

What an awful situation. With regards to ready meals, I know lots of people who use them as a staple diet - I can't think why, they are awful. What would your dad's choice be - my grandparents coming from an era where convenience was seen as a marvelous achievement, would eat things like that because they loved them. If he is of the same mind, perhaps he likes having ready meals and things out of packets - maybe it's his choice.

If he said to you he loved eating the ready meals, would you have the same objection?

I also wonder if he cleans the house and is fiercely independent there is no reason why he can't cook himself a good meal if he chooses - he sounds perfectly capable. I knew a lady who at 100 was still making her own soup from scratch everyday.

Regardless of how your sister is behaving, I think you need to have a clear idea of where her input is detremental to him and where it's his choice, which is very tricky because sometimes that's very difficult to work out or be subjective, especially when people don't get on.

She is going to be very guarded about any criticism, either because deep down she knows you are right or because maybe she does more than you give her credit - in her mind at least. It does seem wrong that she was prepared to let him drive home after an op, but is there any chance she was worn down by persuading dad to get some help and just gave up in the end? I know she sounds stubborn, but living with your parents at the age of 50 with no friends, no life and a good deal of people who don't seem to like her - you've painted a very pitiful, pathetic creature. Who does exactly wear the pants in the household?

andygb

suki1001 wrote: »

What an awful situation. With regards to ready meals, I know lots of people who use them as a staple diet - I can't think why, they are awful. What would your dad's choice be - my grandparents coming from an era where convenience was seen as a marvelous achievement, would eat things like that because they loved them. If he is of the same mind, perhaps he likes having ready meals and things out of packets - maybe it's his choice.

If he said to you he loved eating the ready meals, would you have the same objection?

I also wonder if he cleans the house and is fiercely independent there is no reason why he can't cook himself a good meal if he chooses - he sounds perfectly capable. I knew a lady who at 100 was still making her own soup from scratch everyday.

Regardless of how your sister is behaving, I think you need to have a clear idea of where her input is detremental to him and where it's his choice, which is very tricky because sometimes that's very difficult to work out or be subjective, especially when people don't get on.

She is going to be very guarded about any criticism, either because deep down she knows you are right or because maybe she does more than you give her credit - in her mind at least. It does seem wrong that she was prepared to let him drive home after an op, but is there any chance she was worn down by persuading dad to get some help and just gave up in the end? I know she sounds stubborn, but living with your parents at the age of 50 with no friends, no life and a good deal of people who don't seem to like her - you've painted a very pitiful, pathetic creature. Who does exactly wear the pants in the household?

Thanks Suki, an excellent post.
I think that she has some kind of hold over my dad. She is a very controlling person, she never wants to compromise. I wonder if this attitude has been nurtured by her job. She never recognises that she is in the wrong in any situation, and last year this caught up with her. She had been spreading lies about my wife and I (regarding the state of our relationship - saying that our marriage was on the rocks) to other relations, but unfortunately she also told me "stories" about them. I am on very good terms with one cousin, and advised the person that she would do well not to tell my sister anything in confidence. We had a long discussion, and it emerged that these stories involved totally fictitious tales of alcoholism, domestic abuse, parental abuse and criminality.
My cousin confronted my sister about this, and my sister sent me three letters, threatening to disclose all kinds of personal information to all my cousins about me, and also people who she did not know. I simply suggested that she would be spreading more of the malicious lies.
Most of the people who she kept in contact with have drifted away from her, but they mostly had one thing in common, they all had young children. When the children got older she was not interested in keeping in contact with these people.

LannieDuck

andygb - given your strong opinions about how your Dad should be looked after, have you suggested having him come to live with you? What was the response?

andygb

LannieDuck wrote: »

andygb - given your strong opinions about how your Dad should be looked after, have you suggested having him come to live with you? What was the response?

There is not really room in our house, and he owns his property - my sister does not own the property. He has often stated that he doesn't like our area. I would much prefer that they live closer to us in order that we can visit more often. He doesn't like our house because of the steep steps leading from the road down to the house - yet the house which they bought has equally steep steps and a deadly steep terrace in the back garden.

suki1001

andygb wrote: »

Thanks Suki, an excellent post.
I think that she has some kind of hold over my dad. She is a very controlling person, she never wants to compromise. I wonder if this attitude has been nurtured by her job. She never recognises that she is in the wrong in any situation, and last year this caught up with her. She had been spreading lies about my wife and I (regarding the state of our relationship - saying that our marriage was on the rocks) to other relations, but unfortunately she also told me "stories" about them. I am on very good terms with one cousin, and advised the person that she would do well not to tell my sister anything in confidence. We had a long discussion, and it emerged that these stories involved totally fictitious tales of alcoholism, domestic abuse, parental abuse and criminality.
My cousin confronted my sister about this, and my sister sent me three letters, threatening to disclose all kinds of personal information to all my cousins about me, and also people who she did not know. I simply suggested that she would be spreading more of the malicious lies.
Most of the people who she kept in contact with have drifted away from her, but they mostly had one thing in common, they all had young children. When the children got older she was not interested in keeping in contact with these people.

Those traits would certainly go against a care role, especially in an employed setting.

While it doesn't seem an ideal environment, I think as long he is fine with your sister's routine, then you need to perhaps let that one go. She might live a lifestyle none of us would aspire to, but while he is independent as long as he is allowed to make his own choices, then I think you have to accept that, unless they might cause him harm - such as driving home from the hospital after a GA.

Having said that, perhaps trying a slightly different approach - explaining to your dad, the hospital won't let him drive home (as with anyone any age) may help him to realise that it not because you don't think he's incapable of being independent. I do realise hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It's quite difficult to grasp a hold of the situation, because on one hand your dad does sound like he won't let anyone push him around, but on the other there seems to be a very controlling person in the picture.

However, while she is living with him, she will have an influence on his decisions, even if she wasn't that controlling. I'm not sure what to suggest with this one, but even if as others had suggested that he move in with you, would he choose to do that?

Very tricky, I don't envy you.