Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

suki1001

Acc72 wrote: »

With regards to your second comment :

- You are a grown adult

You could equally say the same about his sister, who still lives with dad at the age of 50 (?)

Besides which when you have a relative who acts in the way his sister does, it makes it very difficult for any other adults around to resolve anything. It would be great I'm sure if the op could resolve this amicably and help his dad more, but it doesn't sound like the sister is making that very easy, in fact positively the opposite.

frippit

Hi Andy,

This is my first post but your situation is similar to mine a few years ago so I hope I can offer some helpful advise.
I too had a sister who had never left home. She took advantage of my elderly frail parents and lived in their home without paying a penny towards the bills. When my mums health worsened she went out to the gym or shopping(with their money) and basically avoided them as much as possible.
She worked in cleaning or care work here and there but never kept a job for long. It was always just a few hours and ended when she fell out with the staff.
If I tried to speak to her about her treatment of our parents, she was aggressive and abusive and took it out on my parents.They were afraid of her.
My sisters behaviour became worse as my parents became frailer and less able to care for themselves. Eventually i spoke to social services who agreed that this was elder abuse.
Seeing the game was up, my sister promptly got on the internet and found a series of gullible men and moved in with the first one to offer. I can imagine the sob story she told them all.

My advise is to keep reguler contact with your father. Take him out for lunch or to the pub so you can chat without your sister being there.Then he will know you're there if he needs you. Rise above her behaviour and let her see that you are mature and calm. If you have relatives you can trust, tell them about the situation. Then if it worsens they wont be so shocked. Be ready to involve health professionals and social services if your fathers health becomes frailer. Be prepared for your sisters behaviour to become worse over time. It might be a good idea to speak to your dads doctor about your worries. Then its documented for the future if things go downhill.

This is not an easy situation and its pointless letting your anger at your sister eat away at you. I should know. Just do your best for your dad, try to ignore your sisters behaviour, and above all don't let your own family suffer because of this.

Good Luck

Treevo

andygb wrote: »

I did contact age concern last year, and the said try Age UK,

That's really interesting given that Age Concern merged with Help the Aged in 2009 to become Age UK so it's really very interesting that you managed to speak to a charity that didn't exist in 2012 and not only that, but they referred you to themselves in the future!

Troll thread.

andygb

Treevo wrote: »

That's really interesting given that Age Concern merged with Help the Aged in 2009 to become Age UK so it's really very interesting that you managed to speak to a charity that didn't exist in 2012 and not only that, but they referred you to themselves in the future!

Troll thread.

I suggest that you look in a mirror. You have contributed nothing of any worth to this thread unlike a lot of others, some of whom I do not agree with because they have no idea of the exact circumstances.

CH27

andygb wrote: »

Very difficult with my sister around and not working. We visited at Christmas and my sister was continually trying to break up conversation between us.

Have you not been since Christmas?

I think you need to see him as often as possible & speak to him on the phone every couple of days.
The more you talk to him about general things, the more you give him chance to open up. You need to be more pro active in this.

Person_one

andygb wrote: »

I suggest that you look in a mirror. You have contributed nothing of any worth to this thread unlike a lot of others, some of whom I do not agree with because they have no idea of the exact circumstances.

I'm no Treevo fan, but he's right that Age Concern became Age UK a few years ago. They've never been separate entities. Maybe you've just got mixed up about who you've spoken to?

Age UK are actually brilliant, if you're genuinely concerned (although I don't completely understand your concerns, she took him on a cruise, what a cow!) then they would be the right people to speak to.

suki1001

Person_one wrote: »

Age UK are actually brilliant, if you're genuinely concerned (although I don't completely understand your concerns, she took him on a cruise, what a cow!) then they would be the right people to speak to.

Well, it depends on why she took him on a cruise and whether it was something he wanted to do. Was it because she wanted to go on a cruise and she'd get a free holiday by taking dad?

duchy

andygb wrote: »

No chance. This is the only house we have lived in and we love it. It isn't anything flash (just a two bed semi), and it isn't as if we are the ones who have been hopping all around the country. To be honest, if we did move closer to them, I don't think they would appreciate it.

This to me is the crux of the matter.

They seperately and jointly seem to have excluded you a bit-however you are ONLY 50 miles away and if you REALLY believed your father was at risk it wouldn't matter if you were giving up a mansion or if you were 300 miles away you'd be there.

Sorry Andy but either things are so bad and your Dad is so unhappy you need to be there more physically or they are getting along nicely together and you feel excluded (and a bit jealous of their close relationship ).

Your income is high enough it excludes you from benefits -yet for all the concern from behind the keyboard you've not visited him in over two months apparently even though you don't work so have more free time than most. Sorry but your words and your actions appear to contradict each other and all this seems about your dislike and resentment of your sister than about your Dad. How often do you ring him ? Daily ? Weekly ? Monthly ? or do you wait for him to ring you ?

The subtext here seems to be your Dad is fine mentally (but stubborn) and is happy with his situation as he lives in his own home and gets to live his life as he chooses it without interference ........and you would rather....what ? That he lived alone ? That he moved in with you ? What do you actually see as the better situation ?

andygb

Person_one wrote: »

I'm no Treevo fan, but he's right that Age Concern became Age UK a few years ago. They've never been separate entities. Maybe you've just got mixed up about who you've spoken to?

Age UK are actually brilliant, if you're genuinely concerned (although I don't completely understand your concerns, she took him on a cruise, what a cow!) then they would be the right people to speak to.

I Googled Age Concern and Age UK came up.
She took my dad on a cruise because she didn't want to go on her own. He doesn't like cruises (doesn't like ships). He told me about it afterwards, and didn't enjoy the experience at all. He is someone who likes walking, taking exercise, not being shut up on a ship. The poor bloke even spent two nights with his life jacket on, because it was so rough.
It wasn't her money which paid for the cruise it was his. It was a bit similar to the coach holiday which she booked for them last year. He said they were going to Barcelona, and I thought Great! I knew that my dad would love the place, because it has a brilliant mix of old and new, fantastic architecture. When they got back, I asked him how it went, what was Barcelona like. He said that he didn't think much of it - too busy, and all they saw was a big market. It transpired that Barcelona was not the main point of the trip, my sister had booked it because there was a stop off in Lourdes for three nights, somewhere she has always wanted to go - unfortunately my dad is not in the least bit religious, so that was a complete waste of time for him. They did not stay in Barcelona, but Lloret de Mar, they had one excursion to Barcelona, which lasted - two and a half hours!

andygb

duchy wrote: »

yet for all the concern from behind the keyboard you've not visited him in over two months apparently even though you don't work so have more free time than most.

Yet another person making up their own storyline.
How do I visit him? We live in a village, we use one car, which my wife uses to get to work. There are no direct links to where my father lives.
However, I did see him just a couple of weekends ago, when he had an eye operation. I turned up at the hospital unexpectedly to give my sister and him a lift home, as they were going to catch a bus. I think he was pleased to see me (well, with his good eye anyway;), just a cattaract operation, all fine now). When my sister turned up she was less pleased, told me that I should not have bothered, no hello or smile or anything.
This time my sister did not tell me about the doctor's appointment.