Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

duchy

You're the one who implied Christmas was the last time ..... but you made a last moment decision to turn up at the hospital in Febuary too -right so not planned-in the interests of accuracy was that the first "visit" since Christmas ? I think maybe I'd be a bit put out too if someone just turned up and changed the arrangements without consulting me too -not that I wouldn't appreciate a lift but I'd wonder why they hadn't offered a couple of days before so I could plan properly -or even be excused the extra journey myself (trying to see why your sister might have felt put out),

However you moaned about me not realizing you'd if not visited at least seen your father since Christmas BUT you avoided the "What do you actually WANT" question. Do you think your father would be happy and safe living alone ? Would you rather he was in a home ? Living with you ? What do you actually want for him Andy -rather than just complaining about the current situation......and more to the point what does HE want ?

Sommer43

Been following this thread.

I cared for my mother after a long period of nobody doing anything including me. Her family ignored her and we all left her to it. I moved back from overseas when I found out she was in hospital.

I had months of her family then criticising me for what I was doing. Cousins, her late brother's wife, you name it they all went for me. Which I ignored. I didn't respond to their nonsense.

It's very difficult for you OP. However, I can also see what Duchy has stated. You're clearly very bitter towards your sister and you're not acutally in her shoes. What do you want from this?

Yes, she should have gone with him to get the results. I get told by my mother to "butt out" so I do exactly that. Your father may well be 83, but he still has his own mind and is capable of making decisions. Have you spoken with your father? Is he unhappy? He's the one you need to speak with if you're concerned. So pick up the phone, call your father, or go up this weekend and speak to him yourself. If your sister blocks this, then put her straight, tell her you would like a conversation with your father alone. And gently speak with him.

It's all opinion on your sister why she's moved, why she's moving. If she doesn't drive, then of course she would like to be near the shops. I don't think that's unreasonable. As for living with her dad at the age of 50, then that's up to her and him. They've obviously got their own arrangement going on.

Wish you luck. If you're genuinely concerned for his health and well-being, then if I were you, I would arrange an appointment with his GP and request that you attend out of concern to see if there is anything you can do. If your father is happy and contented, then the status quo should be left in place.

He might be 83 and have failing health. That's natural, but if his mind is still active, he may well be fighting any input. Your sister might have a difficult life with him, who knows? You don't, because you're not there, only she knows that. But if all of you are ever going to get anywhere, then it's time for a conversation about it.

andygb

duchy wrote: »

You're the one who implied Christmas was the last time ..... but you made a last moment decision to turn up at the hospital in Febuary too -right so not planned-in the interests of accuracy was that the first "visit" since Christmas ? I think maybe I'd be a bit put out too if someone just turned up and changed the arrangements without consulting me too -not that I wouldn't appreciate a lift but I'd wonder why they hadn't offered a couple of days before so I could plan properly -or even be excused the extra journey myself (trying to see why your sister might have felt put out),

However you moaned about me not realizing you'd if not visited at least seen your father since Christmas BUT you avoided the "What do you actually WANT" question. Do you think your father would be happy and safe living alone ? Would you rather he was in a home ? Living with you ? What do you actually want for him Andy -rather than just complaining about the current situation......and more to the point what does HE want ?

I want the guy to be happy, and because I do not profess to be able to mind read - something which you may well be capable of, I do not know what he really wants.
However, the fact of the matter is, that my sister is being deliberately obstructive, and my wife, a couple of relations and myself, believe that she does not want others to see what is going on.
I would not like to see him living in a home, and living with us would not be practical. He is capable of living by himself, but it would be nice if someone was living close by to check on him regularly.
I think that they will end up moving house yet again, meaning more stress being placed upon him.
As for the "unexpected" hospital visit, my dad was not upset about it, my sister most definitely was - that is not normal behaviour IMO, particularly when it meant the difference between a comfortable car journey and two bumpy bus journeys after an eye operation.

suki1001

Sommer - she's not his carer though, she's lived there all her life and never moved out. If it was the same scenario as yours, i would be inclined to agree, but it isn't.

If the sister is really influencing the dad, how on earth is he going to find out if he's happy? All the things you've suggested are only going to work if he's able to make his own choices of his own free will. What if he's being manipulated into decisions?

It's very difficult to find that out because we can't see the sisters side, but if the OP is right, I should imagine he feels pretty powerless and pushed out.

Sommer43

suki1001 wrote: »

Sommer - she's not his carer though, she's lived there all her life and never moved out. If it was the same scenario as yours, i would be inclined to agree, but it isn't.

If the sister is really influencing the dad, how on earth is he going to find out if he's happy? All the things you've suggested are only going to work if he's able to make his own choices of his own free will. What if he's being manipulated into decisions?

It's very difficult to find that out because we can't see the sisters side, but if the OP is right, I should imagine he feels pretty powerless and pushed out.

Hi Suki..

I see your point. She's not his carer per se. It's clear there is resentment from andy towards his sister and vice-versa.

However, there is very little that can be done unless andy grabs the bull by the horns. He can't have it all ways. I do feel for him, but he should be able to talk to his dad. He says it's not practical for his dad to live with him, this I understand. Dad doesn't want to do this. What does Dad want? If she's being obstructive, then why not travel there, tell his sister that he is talking to his dad as he is concerned about him. That it in itself is not unreasonable. If she has anything about her, they would both be talking with him to come to a resolution. The father here, is the most important person and he should be able to voice his thoughts about where he wants to live, how he wants any care (if there is to be any) to be handled. If he's of sound mind, if he can take himself to pick up results, drive himself home after a GA, he's not totally incapable is he? And is concerned, so time for Andy to do something about it.

Acc72

andygb wrote: »

I would not like to see him living in a home, and living with us would not be practical. He is capable of living by himself, but it would be nice if someone was living close by to check on him regularly.

That may be what you want, but what does your dad and your sister want ?

Why would it not be practical for your dad to live with you ? (would it be possible for him to stay with you for a week or so to give your sister a break ?).

Who would be the person who would "check on him regularly" ? - would this be you or somebody else ?

You have been given a lot of advice in this thread, and as far as I can see you have just made what look like excuses rather than coming up with an actual practical solution.

RAS

andygb wrote: »

How do I visit him? We live in a village, we use one car, which my wife uses to get to work. There are no direct links to where my father lives.

Once a month, fortnight, week, you drive your wife to work and then drive on to visit dad. Take him out for lunch minus sister and see how it develops.

suki1001

Sommer43 wrote: »

Hi Suki..

I see your point. She's not his carer per se. It's clear there is resentment from andy towards his sister and vice-versa.

However, there is very little that can be done unless andy grabs the bull by the horns. He can't have it all ways. I do feel for him, but he should be able to talk to his dad. He says it's not practical for his dad to live with him, this I understand. Dad doesn't want to do this. What does Dad want? If she's being obstructive, then why not travel there, tell his sister that he is talking to his dad as he is concerned about him. That it in itself is not unreasonable. If she has anything about her, they would both be talking with him to come to a resolution. The father here, is the most important person and he should be able to voice his thoughts about where he wants to live, how he wants any care (if there is to be any) to be handled. If he's of sound mind, if he can take himself to pick up results, drive himself home after a GA, he's not totally incapable is he? And is concerned, so time for Andy to do something about it.

I agree he isn't incapable, but if she is very controlling though i don't know where I'd begin. I really think he needs some advice from one of the charities mentioned and possibly some counseling or something to help his own issues with his sister. If there's been such a huge breakdown with their relationship, it's going to make it very difficult to solve anything else.

Sommer43

Hi suki

Clearly a huge breakdown in the brother/sister relationship here.

Were it me, I would simply visit, to speak with my father alone. If I were concerned in any way. I wouldn't be slagging off sister to my dad, I would be gently probing for information and to ascertain his mental well-being and how his health is generally. I think we all know when we are faced with a person in distress or someone who is not happy. Body language is always a dead giveaway.

I'd also be asking if a will has been drawn up, ensuring it is lodged with a solicitor and making sure he has everything Dad needs, he's fine financially and managing. Isn't this what children do when their parents are getting older? I have power of attorney over my mother's health and financial affairs (mind you, it doesn't stop her racking up debt, but I am only there to manage the funds and make sure she has everything she's entitled to and her health needs are met, if she racks up debts, I make arrangements for her to pay them off, it's all very tedious but has to be done) and I would be ensuring his dietary requirements are being met and arranging an appointment with his doctor. This would not to hack off my sister, it would be so I could go home, with some peace of mind. And if my sister didn't like it, then tough. But that's just how I would handle it.

duchy

OK Andy here's a scenario for you....

Your sister moves out and moves away.
Your Dad is left with no nearby relative
You live 50 miles away so can't "check on him regually" heck you can only make it once a month now.
So social services get involved and he has a carer visit once a day -a stranger -Would he be happy with that or would he be angry and upset as he'd feel it was a gross intrusion of his privacy.

How is that better ?

Listen you and your sister have probably never had the greatest of relationships but she is currently taking care of a huge responsibility that morally perhaps should be joint. Your Dad is never going to fall and lie there for 24 hours before a carer rolls up for a daily visit and notices. He gets to do what he wants to do , when and how he wants to do it, has someone to go on holiday with . He's not sick or bed ridden and he sounds like a man who values his independence -something your sister gives him. Is there a degree of "payback" Yes probably but most of us make compromises in life and it doesn't sound like your Dad is miserable or neglected -something that would be highly likely if you did manage to oust your sister.

If you want to rock the boat with his current living arrangements then you need to be darn sure you are very clear what new arrangements are possible and if they would be to your Dad's benefit. Frankly you don't live there -and when you do turn up they probably both feel all you are doing is looking to criticize and find fault without anything constructive offered (like for example inviting your Dad to stay -when did he last stay with you?). Spend more time with him -find out what HE thinks just by been around him in a natural and relaxed setting instead of a contrived once a month swoop............and get over your resentment of your sister. You say your Dad can't live with you-well if you offend her enough she might just move away and you may be left with no choice. This isn't about you...or your sister -it's about your Dad and what he wants. He sounds like he's of perfectly sound mind and has his own ideas anyway.

You say you want "the guy to be happy" Honestly it sounds like he IS happy with the way things are . You're his son - don't you think you'd KNOW if he wasn't happy. In your eyes it may not be an ideal situation - but I've honestly not seen you suggest anything that would make anyone except you (his once a month visitor) happier.