Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

poet123

Having read all your responses I am not actually convinced you want to find a solution, more just have a vent.

You seem to be able to find a reason why you cannot do a) b) or c). But if you want to effect change then you need to do something. If that something is not well received by your sister that will be par for the course so ignore it. Be more assertive, drop your wife at work, drive the 50 miles and take him out for lunch and a walk in the park. Tell him you are concerned but don't mention your sister. Just ask after his well being and about the proposed move. Then really listen to his answers. Do you keep in daily/weekly touch by phone? Again it matters not if your sister likes this, just do it.

Really, you have to act here not just muse and vent if you really want to see a change. However, if you really want to rock the boat be sure you are capable of providing the life raft if needed. Your sister may see you as the absent, interfering brother who thinks he knows it all, and may well decide to leave you to it.

Sommer43

Brilliant advice, duchy.

duchy

To be clear I'm not unbiased in all this.
My mother needed me living with her after a brain anurism left her frail. I did move out after a while but she wasn't coping and I moved back in again after discussing the issue with her.

My brother lived a similar distance away that Andy does and used to rock up once a month ......tell me she wasn't eating enough (Oh the meals I'd prepared for her to take two bites and say she was full and then stuff snacks later) that she needed more interests (that she had neither the inclination or the energy for) etc etc. After a while I'd just roll my eyes when he arrived (usually unannounced) and make myself scarce as I knew we'd argue if I didn't and that would upset my Mum.

I'm sure he said the same things about me that Andy is saying. I'd have family ring up and tell me my brother was concerned (and I'd bite my tongue and NOT say -"He works Monday to Friday less than an hour away yet isn't concerned enough to see her more than once a month")

Eventually my Mum decided that I had too much on my plate with her and raising my disabled son and decided to go and live with my brother and his wife on the coast. She sold her house and bought a bigger one with my brother. The day she moved in my brother announced he had taken a three month posting from work in Africa (the type of organization he works for these are never last moment -he'd have known months in advance) but his wife would look after her. His wife worked full time but had only lived here a few years ...in all honesty not long enough to understand the ins and outs of dealing with the NHS.
Within two months my Mum contracted a bad chest infection -I spoke to her (I'd ring her daily anyway) and said to get my sister in law to get the doctor out. This was at 6pm - she finally got a doctor out at 6pm the following evening and he promptly called an ambulance and she spent a week in hospital -a month later she was dead of heart failure. Taken ill when SIL was at work-so she called her own ambulance -by the time SIL and I got there-she was gone Would she have died anyway -who knows ...what I do know is if she had still been living with me or if my brother was there we wouldn't have allowed the emergency doctor visit to be delayed by 24 hours -or would have simply carted her to A&E ourselves. I don't blame my sister in law (I did my brother for a while afterwards and it has damaged our relationship permanently) but I do feel very strongly that with old people proper measures need to be taken to ensure they have proper care and attention. This is why I feel in Andy's case his sister in situ is a better option than "someone keeping an eye out for him".

CH27

andygb wrote: »

Yet another person making up their own storyline.
How do I visit him? We live in a village, we use one car, which my wife uses to get to work. There are no direct links to where my father lives.
However, I did see him just a couple of weekends ago, when he had an eye operation. I turned up at the hospital unexpectedly to give my sister and him a lift home, as they were going to catch a bus. I think he was pleased to see me (well, with his good eye anyway;), just a cattaract operation, all fine now). When my sister turned up she was less pleased, told me that I should not have bothered, no hello or smile or anything.
This time my sister did not tell me about the doctor's appointment.

Drop your wife at work & go to your Dad's once a week. Take him out walking or for lunch & talk, talk, talk to him.

I've asked earlier if you spoke to dad on the phone but i've not noticed an answer.

Sommer43

Bless you duchy. It is difficult and I know the problems I have had with my brother and my cousins around my mother. (My brother has washed his hands of her and wants nothing more to do with me or her, fine. As sad as it is, but in all fairness to him, he has not lived with her since he was 6)

It's about being a fair and reasonable person and from what I am reading, andy's posts are mainly about his sister. Yet, the fundamental problem, is that an elderly man (who could be perfectly happy living with his daughter) is somewhere in all of this bitterness between brother and sister.

I understand his concerns for his father. But, many people on this thread have given him options and he cannot do those. So, what does one do? It's a rant about his sister, which he's perfectly entitled to do. (I could rant for hours about my brother, but I have come to terms that we are diametrically opposed to each other and we simply do not get on. In common, are our parents and that's it)

Andy either gets to the nub of the problem and sorts it out for his own peace of mind and learn to accept his sister and he don't get on. If his father is perfectly happy and content, then leave him be. If his sister manipulates an elderly man for nefarious purposes, then that will out itself anyway. These things have a habit of coming out into the open without any effort whatsoever.

Acc72

Sommer43 wrote: »

many people on this thread have given him options and he cannot do those.

Or, he chooses not to.

Sommer43

Acc72 wrote: »

Or, he chooses not to.

That as well...

You have a point, if he were that concerned, then he could drop his wife at work and pop up there for the day.

Andy?

You mention in a post you think your sister doesn't want you or any of your relatives to see what is going on? What do you think is going on?

andygb

CH27 wrote: »

Drop your wife at work & go to your Dad's once a week. Take him out walking or for lunch & talk, talk, talk to him.

I've asked earlier if you spoke to dad on the phone but i've not noticed an answer.

At least every over day, sometimes I get through to him, sometimes my sister answers. I am ALWAYS the one who phones, who initiates contact.

Sommer43

andygb wrote: »

At least every over day, sometimes I get through to him, sometimes my sister answers. I am ALWAYS the one who phones, who initiates contact.

And how is he when you do speak with him?

CH27

andygb wrote: »

At least every over day, sometimes I get through to him, sometimes my sister answers. I am ALWAYS the one who phones, who initiates contact.

And does he seem happy?