Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

securityguy

claire16c wrote: »

When I had a GA I had to tell them who was coming to pick me and take me home, and I was given a leaflet that said not to drive or pretty much do anything - even operate a kettle for 48 hours after.

Indeed. Had the OP's father _actually_ driven himself to an appointment involving a GA, he would not have been discharged until arrangements were made to get him home. For a man in his eighties, doubly so. The OP was there, so the issue didn't arise, but simply saying that because the patient intended to drive home after a GA he would have actually done so is somewhat naive.

sulkisu

andygb wrote: »

Correct, she is not my dad's carer, she lives in the house but does no work around the house, no gardening, no cleaning, and feeds my dad on instant meals.
She normally does not get out of bed before ten in the morning - which is why I tend to phone my dad before that time. She has blocked calls before and has failed to pass on messages to him.
With regard to the 500 mile round trip, this was not an attempt to "big myself up" it was out of genuine concern, as the hospital had specifically said that under no circumstance should anyone drive after the operation. My sister did not want to organise a taxi for him, so that is why I did it.

Unless they live in an absolute hovel, she must do some cleaning, although perhaps not as much as you would like. Perhaps you could go down once or twice a week to ensure that he has a home cooked meal at least. Could your dad live with you? If things are as bad as you say, I'm sure he would jump at the chance.

Caroline73_2

andygb wrote: »

I assure you that I would not have undertaken the trip if my sister had not given me all the facts.
How would the hospital have stopped him driving?
He fully intended to drive to and from hospital - not take a bus or taxi, or get a lift from anyone.

As other posters have said, the nurses would have refused to discharge him.

I'm intrigued as to why you think your sister should organise a taxi. If your father is usually competent enough to drive when he hasn't had a GA, surely he is competent enough to book his own taxi? Or you could have done it for him.

swingaloo

I don't think anyone knows the stress of living with someone who needs care unless they are doing it themselves.

When my dad was in a similar situation I found myself completely drained most of the time, felt that I didn't have a life of my own and yet was still criticised by 4 siblings who all had 'reasons' why they could not step into my shoes.

There is nothing worse to a son or daughter who is doing the caring than having someone who has very little idea of the true situation thinking they would do a better job.

Seanymph

Whilst you seem absolutely confident in your complete knowledge of what goes on in the house I suspect you are unaware of a lot of things.

I had my elderly grandmother dependent upon me pretty much for the last years of her life - the last 8 months living with me, and suffering dementia.

My sisters and father, although well intentioned, often came and disrupted situations that if they had spoken to me first need not have happened.

She had a heart condition, refused to see the doctor because the only thing that bothered her was a cough - finally got seen and got appropriate medication and threw it away when my father visited and did his 'you don't want to worry about that, get this down you' routine and handed her some cough medicine!

I don't doubt they, in your shoes, would criticise no end of what went on in our house - however none of them were giving up their job, life, home, independence, and nursing the awkward woman in her declining years!

Talk to your sister, ask her what is going on, take her opinion and advice, she knows him best, and knows what is going on.

It is hard living with an elderly relative, and draining, and exhausting, and thankless. If your sister was that bad she'd move away on her own.

victory

andygb wrote: »

Correct, she is not my dad's carer, she lives in the house but does no work around the house, no gardening, no cleaning, and feeds my dad on instant meals.
She normally does not get out of bed before ten in the morning - which is why I tend to phone my dad before that time. She has blocked calls before and has failed to pass on messages to him.
With regard to the 500 mile round trip, this was not an attempt to "big myself up" it was out of genuine concern, as the hospital had specifically said that under no circumstance should anyone drive after the operation. My sister did not want to organise a taxi for him, so that is why I did it.

But you could have organised a taxi for him?

wannabe_sybil

Just a note - 83 is not necessarily incapable or bed bound. My father lives with us, is over eighty, and has promised to decorate the living room for us when the weather is a little warmer. He has already painted all the downstairs window frames. At 83 my great aunt was the main, very capable, carer for her older sister. My father manages to keep up with things quite well, will remember things we have forgotten, and while not quite as spry and energetic as he was fifty years ago is still capable of keeping his own house running if he chose, running his own affairs and making up his own mind. He is with us for convenience. I know that some people are much frailer and less capable at a younger age, but it isn't a given. There is a huge variation in peoples' personalities and attitude.

OP - I really feel for you. It is awful when someone you love is at such a distance and you have so many worries. How does your dad feel about all this? Does he feel he can rely on your sister? Would he consider moving nearer to you perhaps in a sheltered housing place? Would he leave your sister? It does sound like he is a bit vulnerable to her telling him what to do. How clued up is he with medical care options?

Wishing you all the luck. Sometimes it seems like once an elderly relative starts to need a little help, all the worst comes out in the family.

Purleygirl

I have a good friend who is full time carer to her parents who both have dementia. She constantly rages about her siblings who don't offer to help but carp at her if she asks and make suggestions about how they could be looked after. My friend has changed her life to look after them. You might need to see it from sister's perspective, she is after all the full time carer and knows your Dad's medical problems well. Maybe it would be better if you ring your sister to ask how things are, how your Dad is and offer to help, tell you'll up on such and such a day and could she do with a break while you take your Dad out. Maybe ask her if you could go out together. Be there for her, support her, support your Dad. Don't be angry, be thankful she's there for him and put her first, that way she'll do a grand job of caring for him and she'll know that you're there for her to help out, because if he does have something serious, she'll need all the support in the world. I wish you well.

andygb

Caroline73 wrote: »

As other posters have said, the nurses would have refused to discharge him.

I'm intrigued as to why you think your sister should organise a taxi. If your father is usually competent enough to drive when he hasn't had a GA, surely he is competent enough to book his own taxi? Or you could have done it for him.

Because he didn't want to book a taxi or catch a bus, and my sister - an "experienced" carer was going to go along with that.

andygb

Purleygirl wrote: »

I have a good friend who is full time carer to her parents who both have dementia. She constantly rages about her siblings who don't offer to help but carp at her if she asks and make suggestions about how they could be looked after. My friend has changed her life to look after them. You might need to see it from sister's perspective, she is after all the full time carer and knows your Dad's medical problems well. Maybe it would be better if you ring your sister to ask how things are, how your Dad is and offer to help, tell you'll up on such and such a day and could she do with a break while you take your Dad out. Maybe ask her if you could go out together. Be there for her, support her, support your Dad. Don't be angry, be thankful she's there for him and put her first, that way she'll do a grand job of caring for him and she'll know that you're there for her to help out, because if he does have something serious, she'll need all the support in the world. I wish you well.

SORRY FOR SHOUTING, BUT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS.
MY SISTER IS A CARER BUT HAS NOT BEEN WORKING FOR THE PAST YEAR - SACKED FROM HER JOB.
MY FATHER DOES NOT NEED OR WANT FULL TIME CARE AT THE MOMENT.

My sister does not care for my father. The house belongs to my father - my sister has always lived at home apart from the times when she was working away on caring jobs.
My sister doesn't do any cleaning or gardening or house maintenance - that is all done by my father.
My sister can also cook from scratch, which she does at Christmas or on the very odd occasion when someone visits, but the rest of the time, well it is all packet meals.