Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

sassyblue

andygb wrote: »

I asked her why she had not gone with him, and she started to get a bit short tempered with me, saying that he deserves his privacy:( I then said that in view of the concerns over his health, should he be left on his own, particularly at a time when the test results could upset him.

They did not tell me about this appointment, otherwise I would have gone with him, something which I told my sister. She again became bad tempered, and said that he is a very independent person.

This has happened on previous occasions, the worst being around eight years ago when they lived 240 miles away, and he had to have a minor operation under GA. I asked how he was getting to the hospital and my sister said that he was going to drive there and back - I was furious, so I drove up there and took them to the hospital and back again - a round trip of nearly 500 miles. My sister did not want me to do that, but if I had not, then I think he would have been dead by now, as he was groggy and fell asleep in the car afterwards.
I am really worried about this whole situation, because my sister seems to have total control over my dad, and I cannot seem to even talk to him about it.
My sister is a carer who looks after people in their own homes.

Hi andy, you are usually a calm level headed person but l think you may be over-reacting to this one....

By default your sister probably already does alot for your dad and would know more about how your dad really is in dealing with this. Asking/Telling her that she ought to go with your dad is putting on her more - and maybe dad has said you aren't to be told about the appointment because he doesn't want you fretting....

I agree expecting him to drive home after any GA is ridiculous but maybe dad told your sister to butt out? He obviously felt he was upto it because he didn't moan to you about it?? You could have arranged a taxi for him, it doesn't mean you don't care any less.

Agree with what krylr said about the situation too....

Mojisola

andygb wrote: »

A couple of weeks ago, my dad (who is 83) who lives about 50 miles from us had a CAT scan, because there were concerns over his memory. My sister (who is 53) lives at home with him, and I phoned this morning to see if he had the results back. My sister informed me that he had gone to the doctors at 9.00 this morning and then had an appointment with the nurse after.

I asked her why she had not gone with him, and she started to get a bit short tempered with me, saying that he deserves his privacy:( I then said that in view of the concerns over his health, should he be left on his own, particularly at a time when the test results could upset him.

I'm going to go against the above replies based on the experience of dealing with dementia and memory problems with both my parents.

If someone has mobility problems, they could need help to move around. If someone has memory problems, they could need help to remember what the doctor says.

My parents' care would have been completely erratic if I hadn't gone to appointments with them because they didn't remember to tell the doctor about things that were happening and they didn't remember what the doctor had told them.

It will depend on how bad things are but our memory clinic specifically asks patients to bring someone with them to appointments.

londonsurrey

As the others have said, there's this whole other story to be told in the dynamics between them.

Your sister has form for not doing what you would like her to do for your dad. If he's happy to accept the help, then you can preempt her not helping, and make arrangements yourself.

So in the case of getting him back from the hospital after GA, you do it yourself(as you did), or pay for a cab, or make arrangements with someone more local, who might do it for simple thanks, or cash payments, or in kind, like you doing their diy when you visit, etc.

spaghetti_monster

Mojisola wrote: »

I'm going to go against the above replies based on the experience of dealing with dementia and memory problems with both my parents.

If someone has mobility problems, they could need help to move around. If someone has memory problems, they could need help to remember what the doctor says.

My parents' care would have been completely erratic if I hadn't gone to appointments with them because they didn't remember to tell the doctor about things that were happening and they didn't remember what the doctor had told them.

It will depend on how bad things are but our memory clinic specifically asks patients to bring someone with them to appointments.

Totally agree, I had a similar experience with a family member. Although at the beginning of the dementia they could often seem fine, even then they wouldn't remember what to tell the doc or what they had been told.

LannieDuck

I think it would have been sensible for the sister to drive her Dad to/from the drs appointment in case he was upset after the results. Could have sat in the waiting room during the appt, so no breach of medical confidentiality.

Caroline73_2

Are you sure you have all the information correct?

The hospital wouldn't have let him drive home after a GA anyway, however short or minor the procedure. 48 hours is the advised minimum to wait AFAIK.

samejh

I have heard of people having the results and lying about them as they do not want a fuss or things to change if faced with the truth.

Maybe dad doesn't want to be more of a burden if the results are of a negative nature.

andygb

Cherry_Bomb wrote: »

OP hasn't said that his sister is their dads carer.

Correct, she is not my dad's carer, she lives in the house but does no work around the house, no gardening, no cleaning, and feeds my dad on instant meals.
She normally does not get out of bed before ten in the morning - which is why I tend to phone my dad before that time. She has blocked calls before and has failed to pass on messages to him.
With regard to the 500 mile round trip, this was not an attempt to "big myself up" it was out of genuine concern, as the hospital had specifically said that under no circumstance should anyone drive after the operation. My sister did not want to organise a taxi for him, so that is why I did it.

andygb

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He could easily have not wanted her there.

Forgetfulness doesn't mean he has no right to medical confidentiality.


And I would happily fall asleep in a car, but wouldn't do it on a bus or if I were driving.

If you had seen my father that day, there was no way he would have been fit to drive, he was totally out of it.

andygb

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think it would have been sensible for the sister to drive her Dad to/from the drs appointment in case he was upset after the results. Could have sat in the waiting room during the appt, so no breach of medical confidentiality.

Yes, if only my sister had learned to drive:(
She prefers to let other people look after themselves and her when she wants lifts.