Dad getting CAT scan results - sister not going with him!

andygb

A couple of weeks ago, my dad (who is 83) who lives about 50 miles from us had a CAT scan, because there were concerns over his memory. My sister (who is 53) lives at home with him, and I phoned this morning to see if he had the results back. My sister informed me that he had gone to the doctors at 9.00 this morning and then had an appointment with the nurse after.
I asked her why she had not gone with him, and she started to get a bit short tempered with me, saying that he deserves his privacy:( I then said that in view of the concerns over his health, should he be left on his own, particularly at a time when the test results could upset him.
They did not tell me about this appointment, otherwise I would have gone with him, something which I told my sister. She again became bad tempered, and said that he is a very independent person.
This has happened on previous occasions, the worst being around eight years ago when they lived 240 miles away, and he had to have a minor operation under GA. I asked how he was getting to the hospital and my sister said that he was going to drive there and back - I was furious, so I drove up there and took them to the hospital and back again - a round trip of nearly 500 miles. My sister did not want me to do that, but if I had not, then I think he would have been dead by now, as he was groggy and fell asleep in the car afterwards.
I am really worried about this whole situation, because my sister seems to have total control over my dad, and I cannot seem to even talk to him about it.
My sister is a carer who looks after people in their own homes.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He could easily have not wanted her there.

Forgetfulness doesn't mean he has no right to medical confidentiality.


And I would happily fall asleep in a car, but wouldn't do it on a bus or if I were driving.

Angry_Fanboy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Forgetfulness doesn't mean he has no right to medical confidentiality.

Bravo.

Although I can see why this can be difficult to accept for relatives.

victory

If you don't get along with your sister everything she says will grate you, always best to ask your dad directly.

Ask for his appointments in the future so you do not all of a sudden realise there is one that causes you a 500 mile trip, prevention with communication.

Cherry_Bomb

If he's normally an independent 83 year old then I'd say you need to calm down. Your sister can't force your dad to have her there. Likewise if he didn't want her there then that's fine too. He's not a child.

Treevo

Why are you treating your father as if he's a toddler? Have some respect.

Caroline_a

Unless you are living with or caring for your father you probably have no idea as to how he reacts to things like this. I lived with and cared for my father for the last 4 years of his life and he became very difficult to live with. He resented me going anywhere unless it was to work, and would often make excuses using him 'not feeling so good' to stop me. When he got his panic alarm he pressed it every time I was out - and we came to realise that he was deliberately allowing himself to fall (he was never hurt) as it only happened when I was out!

Unfortunately old people can become very selfish and demanding, and almost change their characters, and they tend to hurt the ones nearest to them. You should be grateful that your sister is looking after him.

krlyr

You're only seeing one side of the story. I'm on a forum with a member who is a full-time carer to their mother and I see her side of things through her posts - it is a very draining job, you can never really switch off or have your own life. Perhaps if your sister comes across as bad tempered, it is because she is finding the situation stressful. If she's a carer in her job as well then I imagine it is really tough - imagine if you had to go home from your job only to do the same role, unpaid and often without much thanks.
Like others have said - perhaps your father decided he wanted to do this things by himself. Your sister may have tried convincing him otherwise, if you're not there then you don't see the whole picture.

Rather than criticise I would perhaps just extend the offer of help if she needs it, to her and your father.
Would you be willing to take over the role as his carer if you feel she isn't up to the task? You mention your 500 mile round trip as if this makes you more caring than her. She may not drive miles for him but caring for someone on a daily basis is hard work, don't dismiss that just because she is under the same roof as him.

Cherry_Bomb

OP hasn't said that his sister is their dads carer.

Treevo

Cherry_Bomb wrote: »

OP hasn't said that his sister is their dads carer.

It's clear he expects her to be.

Cherry_Bomb

Treevo wrote: »

It's clear he expects her to be.

That's a bit different to actually saying "she's his carer"

Just because she lives with him and he's 83 does not mean he requires a carer. I've worked with lots of healthy fully independent people well into their 80s who would have been offended at the assumption they have a carer.

Fair enough if the sister IS his carer but seeing as the OP hasn't actually said this its patronising to assuming she is due to her a) living at home and b) his age.