Elderly disabled Dad - laundry services?

pmlindyloo

Oh Lord, I nearly spilled my wine when you mentioned the strippers and cream - talk about laugh out loud.

I am so glad you still have a sense of humour. To be honest, you are going to need it!

Having got the T shirt for this particular scenario I know you will never leave him to it. You will keep on trying because you care. Some people can wash their hands of such a person, others can't. Whether it's about guilt or whatever, you are stuck with it. Despite him being a very grumpy old man he's still your dad.

I'm a big one for family meetings. Could you call one and try to figure out who can do what? Could your brother collect his washing? A problem shared and all that. Do I remember your saying that he had something fixed because the council were involved? Could you do the same with the loo/bathroom? Need to get it cleaned because the council are doing an inspection/whatever. Can't remember if he rents or not.

You are on a long road to nothing really. In the end all you can do is try and try and try again as frustrating and annoying as it all is.

I feel for you, I really do.

It's like being with a very naughty child and yet at the same time a little voice is telling you that he's your dad and you shouldn't treat him like a naughty child. Plus, and this is the most difficult bit, you can't make him do anything.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep it all in perspective, laugh a lot and just carry on doing your best.

lulu650

Hi Paul, from what you've told us I don't understand why anyone would think it a good idea to buy him a balloon. Did you really think he would enjoy opening that in a crowded restaurant? And there's nothing wrong with a Harvester if that's where he wanted to go to. That's if he wanted to go out anywhere of course.

Have a chat with him about Christmas. Ask him if he'd prefer to go round for Boxing Day tea instead, as he doesn't seem to be happy with the present arrangement.

You can either back off for your own peace of mind and feel guilty. Or carry on as you have been and get upset. He is not going to change!

I've been in a similar situation with a family member. I decided to back off for various reasons with minimal contact. At his funeral I found out that he'd told various people that I'd never helped him or visited him ever. And, of course, I'm left feeling very guilty.

System

To be honest, I wouldn't have appreciated a balloon on my 50th birthday either however, I wouldn't have kicked up such a fuss.

Paul I think you need to take a step back from this for awhile. Say your ill, say you've broken your leg or anything just don't go to see your Dad. Its only when he is faced with doing stuff without you then he will have to come to his senses. It might take a week, it might take a month but hopefully he'll get there. If he doesn't, sooner or later the Social Services will have to get involved.

You are meant to help him live an independent life, not do everything for him.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for all the comments. Im sure he doesnt do it all on purpose its just he really is getting so thoughtless and selfish.

If I point out what he did with the balloon he'd be mortified. I wont mention it because he will just go on about it for ages and then say he cant sleep because hes been worrying hes upset anyone.

Just a pity he cant think in the first place.

As for those who say they wouldnt want a balloon. Seriously? Its a balloon and its a present. If you really think oh no, load of crap just chuck it in the bin later and no-ones the wiser. You dont stamp you're feet and act like a child...

Mojisola

[quote=[Deleted User];66554763]
My son (10) picked out a balloon with 80 on for him which we took to the pub. As soon as he saw it he went mad, slammed closed the box and said we were embarrassing him, he didnt want a fuss etc. (This harvester is 15 miles from home - no chance of him knowing anyone!). He then nastily said to me dont open that box whatever you do!

Made it worse then when we took the balloon home for him. He said I don't want, get it away, and take it with you.[/QUOTE]

[quote=[Deleted User];66557874] If I point out what he did with the balloon he'd be mortified. I wont mention it because he will just go on about it for ages and then say he cant sleep because hes been worrying hes upset anyone.

Just a pity he cant think in the first place.

As for those who say they wouldnt want a balloon. Seriously? Its a balloon and its a present. If you really think oh no, load of crap just chuck it in the bin later and no-ones the wiser. You dont stamp you're feet and act like a child...[/QUOTE]

And it was a present from a 10 year old! Even if he hated the idea of the balloon, just how hard is it to thank your grandson and say that you'll leave it in the box until you get home. If it got thrown away the minute you were alone at home, at least a child wouldn't have been upset.

Paul - you're a saint to keep going with your Dad. I don't think there is an solution except to reduce your contact and have some way of letting off steam after you have been to see him. It's so sad to hear about someone who has a supportive family doing everything he can to push them away.

[Deleted User]

Mojisola wrote: »

And it was a present from a 10 year old! Even if he hated the idea of the balloon, just how hard is it to thank your grandson and say that you'll leave it in the box until you get home. If it got thrown away the minute you were alone at home, at least a child wouldn't have been upset.

Paul - you're a saint to keep going with your Dad. I don't think there is an solution except to reduce your contact and have some way of letting off steam after you have been to see him. It's so sad to hear about someone who has a supportive family doing everything he can to push them away.

Yep. EXACTLY.

Its just as he gets older he seems to have forgotten how to behave properly, and how to behave in public especially. Its almost as if hes lost his social skills.

Part of it is his attitude mind - he often says to me, you know me I had to say something. I often try to tell him, no dad, you don't have to stick your oar into things that are none of your business. He often does it to me - criticising me on what I spend money on etc. One xmas day, he was in our house for dinner, and he suddenly piped up saying 'whats the matter with you two, you spent way too much on x (our son) on xmas presents, he didnt need all these things. You both need your heads read'.

My wife almost exploded with rage as you can imagine. Whats it got to do with him after all? I did have to have a word with him about this and told him to keep his opinions to himself about things like this, and, under no circumstances, did my wife want to be criticised on xmas day by him.

Its a bit much sometimes, I'm mid-40s, got my own family, run my own business etc so I think I can cope!!!! :-)

MIL comes to stay with us once a week. She has her moments but on a day to day basis shes much easier to get along with than my dad - she normal most of the time.

With my Dad, especially with other people present, Im constantly on edge worrying about what hes going to do or say to upset someone or so something stupid. He often does not disappoint and I'm always relieved when hes dropped off home again.

Gingernutty

paulfoel? Has your father ever had a capacity assessment?

Has he always been like this?

[Deleted User]

Gingernutty wrote: »

paulfoel? Has your father ever had a capacity assessment?

Has he always been like this?

Capacity assessment?

Getting worse as he gets older.

Person_one

[quote=[Deleted User];66558426]Capacity assessment?

Getting worse as he gets older.[/QUOTE]

To determine if he is capable of making his own decisions.

I can't see anything in your posts though to suggest he doesn't have capacity. He understands the consequences of his behaviour, he can retain the information, he's just a bit of an a******e from the sound of it. If you're an a******e all your life you don't stop being one just because you get a bit old and doddery, sadly!

Maz

Paul, two questions.
1) What is your Dad's disability?
2) Has he had any contact or is known to adult social services?

My job is front line adult social services and I may have a few suggestions depending on the answers to the above Qs. If you don't want to disclose this info publicly you can PM me.