Elderly disabled Dad - laundry services?

[Deleted User]

elsien wrote: »

Yes, but it gets his "I'm too old to learn" excuse out of the way. I think you've done all you can, and it's down to him now for good or ill.
He's lucky you still visit at all if that's how he behaves on his birthday - I think you have more tolerance than I would.
Do you think there's a possibility he's trying to drive people away and it's a sign of an underlying mental health problem. Or is he just a cantankerous old so-and-so>

To be honest, I dread any family events like xmas and I dread it when my wifes there because of his behaviour. He always does something selfish or rude and I know it just upsets people. I have to ask my wife to please ignore him because he gets that bad.

He comes over for xmas dinner (I have to drive to collect him then take him home). I'm so stressed and can't wait until I can just take him home. I could tell you some stories about his manners and behaviour during xmas day that would shock people.

When its just me with him I can put up with him by ignoring him. I don't know whether he just can't behave or just doesn't care but hes an embarrassment sometimes.

There's no mental problem. Hes just spent too long on his own and got lazy, stubborn, and selfish if Im honest. He think he knows it all but hasnt got a clue.

I do EVERYTHING to help him but more and more he just knocks it back and digs his heels in and thinks things get sorted by magic.

Ames

Think you need to stop doing everything for him then. If he's happy to live like that, then it's not worth putting yourself under so much stress.

And maybe when he finds out how much work the magic takes, he'll change his mind. Maybe.

sulphate

OP, are you sure we don't have the same father?! All this sounds like what mine would do tbh.

With regards to the washing, half the reason he isn't doing it himself is because he has people willing (begrudgingly) to do it for him so he sees no need.

I agree with some of the posters earlier in this thread - sometimes age is used as an excuse. My dad has always been a grumpy old man, but becoming more hermit-like and making no effort with anything as he gets older has made him worse.

[Deleted User]

Ames wrote: »

Think you need to stop doing everything for him then. If he's happy to live like that, then it's not worth putting yourself under so much stress.

And maybe when he finds out how much work the magic takes, he'll change his mind. Maybe.

But when he falls down the stairs and ends up in hospital, I'm the one who has to neglect my own family, drive 40 miles each way to the hospital after work each evening to see him when he demands I visit him because he 'so fed up on his own stuck in hospital'.

I know that will be how it plays out because its happened in the past.

elsien

Then why do it? Yes he's your dad, but putting all that effort in to have him throw it back and upset your family.
Have you tried saying you expect a degree of consideration otherwise you won't be putting yourself out for him any longer? His life, his choice and if he wants company for Xmas etc, then he needs to behave acceptably. I bet he wouldn't put up with other people treating him like that. He needs some ground rules for when he's with you and yours. Then it's up to him what he does with that.

elsien

[quote=[Deleted User];66555032]But when he falls down the stairs and ends up in hospital, I'm the one who has to neglect my own family, drive 40 miles each way to the hospital after work each evening to see him when he demands I visit him because he 'so fed up on his own stuck in hospital'.

I know that will be how it plays out because its happened in the past.[/QUOTE]

No you don't. And tell him that now, rather than if and when it happens.

[Deleted User]

All well and good and probably the correct thing to do but no so easy in practice.

Person_one

The reaction to the balloon was very rude and hurtful towards a child making a nice gesture.

What was he like when you were a child?

elsien

No, that true. And it's only you can decide when, where and if to draw that line. Just wanted to say that it doesn't make you a bad son if you do. You have your own family to think about as well.

BrassicWoman

[quote=[Deleted User];66555032]But when he falls down the stairs and ends up in hospital, I'm the one who has to neglect my own family, drive 40 miles each way to the hospital after work each evening to see him when he demands I visit him because he 'so fed up on his own stuck in hospital'.

I know that will be how it plays out because its happened in the past.[/QUOTE]

Because you let it. You are teaching him he just has to be grumpy enough to tug your heartstrings. When actually it's when you should be most relaxed as someone else is doing the caring for once!