All too much

saffronflowers

Just off the phone to the police - he is still in custody and they cant prosecute him for the phones cos he bought them so technically he broke his property. But it also sounds like he is trying to get out of it. I have told them that he needs to give me my car keys back. Bet he goes running back to his Mum. I feel so so alone, they are getting back to me with what he will or wont be charged with.

I really want to talk to him but I think that he will just blame me, it will be like banging my head against a brick wall

SFx

scubaleopard

His Mum is welcome to him. You really need to focus on you not him - no matter how hard that is. You desrve a life of peace and happiness not bullying and misery. Please think what kind of message you are sending out to your children. The rest of their lives could be affected by the decisions you make now. Big hugs

mrs_thrifty_2

Do you have a women's refuge near you? If you put it in as a "search" you can find lots of help there.

Sending hugs.

saffronflowers

I am safe in my house, of that I am pretty sure, anyways I dont need the things I said cos tomorrow is a bank holiday!!!!!!

SFx

saffronflowers

Well the police have phoned and they asked me if I wether I would him to have a caution or be taken to court for criminal damage - being a real DFW - that would involve a fine so took the caution and did not want to exacerbate the situation

Dont know if he will be back will just have to wait and see.

SFx

LookingAhead

Hello saffronflowers.

Just wanted to send you some support.

I'm not surprised your head is all over the place this is a horrible thing that has happened.

You know - he probably *will* blame you.....but that's just because he won't want to take responsibility for himself. Just because he blames *you* it doesn't make him right.

You need to start thinking of yourself and your children - make sure you are secure in your home first off. Everything else will get sorted with small steps.

But don't let him lay the blame at your feet. This will be your first step in fighting to get your own life back on track.

LA xxxx

southernscouser

saffronflowers wrote: »

Well the police have phoned and they asked me if I wether I would him to have a caution or be taken to court for criminal damage - being a real DFW - that would involve a fine so took the caution and did not want to exacerbate the situation

Hun, please don't think I'm getting at you here. I'm just concerned for you.

Is your decision based on a financial point of view or because you are afraid of him and what he might do? You don't have to answer it on here. Just answer it honestly to yourself.

firesidemaid

obviously we only know a little of your situation. but, every adult is responsible for themselves and their actions, and they have to accept and deal with this.

if we always deal with things for partners they can get used to this. the only way to change things is to say 'no' and mean it, ignore bad behaviour (as you would with children) and reward good behaviour.

are the debts in your name? if not, then it is time to let him show you that he can be responsible, one step at a time. dependence can be reversed but it takes recognition, hard work and persistence.

i wish you all the very best.

saffronflowers

SS - party a financial decision, also I dont know how it would affect his job, yes it is probably stupid, maybe I am living in lala land but hopefully he will realise that his behaviour is unacceptable. I am still reeling from how quickly they arrested and handcuffed him. I think I am still in shock to be honest.

I really dont want it to be the end of marriage, but, it will be if he sont talk it through and accept some responsability. I actually think his parents will be shocked and angry with him.

I am also surpised the police charged him I have a horrid feeling it was becasue he was not very contrite and sorry, which does not bode well.

SFx

sillybean

I cant stand bailiffs they are vultures who make money out of other peoples problems. My friend is in a similar problem but instead of her husband its her dad who is running up debts and she is having to deal with it.

i really feel for you sounds like your in a sticky situation. i wish there was something i could do to help, i suppose sending virtual strength like the previous writer is the best i can do with the technology to hand :-)

On the internet there are loads of numbers for helplines for people you can talk to, email forums like this are great but its nice to have a person you can ask advice off who is trained.

I worked for a helpline dealing with youths up to 25. the training you get means you can offer advice that is “actionable” as well as knowing when to just listen and not offer advice. Do a google there are loads, I don’t want to recommend any as id be bias.

Men who abuse their wives are interesting creatures, they are strong physically but needy emotionally. It’s a dichotomy of their emotions that is interesting (having also gone back to university to study psychology). Generally and I'm not talking about your case as I don’t know enough facts men tend to transfer their lack of control in their life onto the thing they can control.

Their inadequate social standing and control outside is offset by trying to control something.

Therefore, again in general buy just saying “I wont deal with your debt” may cause a counter re-action for more control. Instead un-intuitive as it may sound, if you want to stay together then working through the debt together is more useful to help control the external environment. I would also investigate what other things are going on the persons life outside of the house, work etc.

Bit random and not as structured as id like but the key message is take deeper structured advice from experts who spend the time to know the details that an email forum isn't suitable for.