tonights the night

angelfairy

Hi Hannahsmummy,

I haven't posted on your thread before but I have been reading it with interest. I even read it out to my husband. He was disgusted at all you had to do and your husband let you!!!

I just wanted to say that you and your daughter are in my thoughts.

I would never want to wish anyone's marriage away (as I am happy in mine), but I believe you would be just as strong on your own with your little girl.

All the best and please stay in touch.

sammy115

:T :T Good to hear from you HM and well done.

Carry on the good work:T

hannahsmummy1

Thanks for all the replies- he has said that i can give up work if i wanted to, he will support me more financially. He said he wished id come to him sooner & he could have sorted something out with my mum & dad sooner, (like he would have paid then they could have paid him back or whatever) I told him that was all very well with hindsight but it didnt happen like that & i cant change anything about what has happened since or before for that matter. He said he will get a standing order set up to pay me money into my account and give me a set amount every month, instead of money when i ask for it or need it, he has said this before though and never followed through with it, so he says i need to remind him to do it, because if i dont he will forget. He has been made to feel guilty by me this week, because i keep drumming it into him that i have worked 2 jobs, and paid off loads off my debt- 2900 since last year & for more than half of that i wasnt working!!! We have agreed that we will look into a joint account in the future (ie when my debts are paid!)

onedayiwill

Hi HM, glad to see you posting again. Well done for standing up to him and telling him how it is, and how it will be. I am glad he is feeling guilty - it is what SHOULD be feeling after his behaviour.

Take care.

Shineyhappy

I am glad things seem to be improving. Just make sure he does sort out the standing order and once you talk more about a joint account, you should be able to help him with his SOA so you can see if he is wasting money that could be better spent elsewhere.

etxec

Oh well done you! I'm so pleased for you.

Reya

hannahsmummy1 wrote: »

I have always been weak, ive been bullied all my life and i see this as bullying, but its no different to what im used to, hence the reason ive built up a tolerance to this kind of thing.

Hon? You haven't built up a tolerance to this kind of thing. You've built up an acceptance of this kind of thing.

I've only just come across this thread, and I'm reading your responses with a sense not only of horror, but of deja-vu. I was you, just last year: terrified to mention to my then-OH that I was in debt, while he thought nothing of blowing £400 of our money on an Armani jacket, or £280 on a pair of Prada shoes (and that was a sale price!)

Please take this in the spirit that it's intended, because I have been right there where you are, although thankfully we never had children. I had that whole, "Who are you talking to on the phone?", "No you can't go out, because that means I'll be here on my own and I'll be bored" thing, when he then decided to go gallivanting off with his mates for a week abroad.

I let that happen because over the course of 18 years together he had worn me down, bit by little bit. I thought I was tolerating it, but I wasn't: I was accepting it. I look back now, and I see the truth of what everyone was trying to tell me, but I couldn't see back then: my husband was the biggest bully I had ever faced. He even told me to "f**k off" at the family Christmas dinner table, because everyone was joking around, having a little laugh at everyone's expense, and when it came to his turn (and I joined in, having been the brunt of it a few minutes before) he didn't like it.

The fact is that now, having confronted him about his infidelity, he is the one in serious debt, not paying his bills and sticking his head in the sand, while I'm managing to overpay my debt and bring it down nicely, and oh boy, the irony of that is not lost on me...

Be strong, HM. Don't let him erode the confidence that you do have remaining. He might not let you have friends where you are (yes, that's familiar to me, too) but you have a whole gaggle of friends on here. My internet friends were the most amazing support group when I was going through the biggest stresses in confronting him and coping with the divorce. Yes, it's hard not to have someone who can come round and give you a hug when you need it, but at least you can sound off here and know you'll get support.

(Edited to add: I posted this comment before reading this page of the thread, where you wrote about standing up to him. All I have to say is: good for you, now keep at it!)

I'll be thinking of you over the coming days.

*zippy*

Thanks for updating us HM

Well done for making a stand hun, I would imagine it was hard to do, you sound so much stronger and he will see that.

Please do keep going and don't let him off the hook.

zippy :grouphug:

rosieben

he has said that i can give up work if i wanted to, he will support me more financially. He said he wished id come to him sooner & he could have sorted something out with my mum & dad sooner, (like he would have paid then they could have paid him back or whatever)

Glad he has realised how hard you've worked to clear the debt. He still seems to think that its your parents duty to pay for the wedding though, thats not fair given the fact that they helped out your brother, just remind him that your parents have TWO children, just the same as HE has in fact The rights of wrongs of what your brother did are actualy none of his business so dont let him confuse the issue with comments about that.

He said he will get a standing order set up to pay me money into my account and give me a set amount every month, instead of money when i ask for it or need it, he has said this before though and never followed through with it,

Can you get a SO form from his bank and then make sure he fills it in - stand over him if necessary! - and then you take it back to the bank?!

He has been made to feel guilty by me this week, because i keep drumming it into him that i have worked 2 jobs, and paid off loads off my debt- 2900 since last year & for more than half of that i wasnt working!!! We have agreed that we will look into a joint account in the future (ie when my debts are paid!)

the debts are yours AND his jointly, not just yours! you have made such headway this week, dont lose the impetus; file away the plan for the joint account for future reference. Be interesting to know how much he has saved in the same amount of time that you paid off the 2900!!

I would ensure he's more open about his finances too, you still dont know where his money is going?

You've made such progress, give yourself a huge pat on the back for tackling what was a very difficult thing for you :T:T:T

chevalier

Hannahsmummy well done on the head way you have made this week. But about the joint account. He has all this money saved from a redundancy. It is not as if you remaining debt is all that much. And IT IS HIS PART OF YOUR JOINT DEBT for your wedding. He morally should therefore pay it off for you NOW. I don't think he still gets the fact that you BOTH benefitted from the money on YOUR wedding day so you should BOTH pay it off. You have done your bit NOW it is HIS turn.

Good luck, we are all here for you.
chev