tonights the night

consultant31

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

I have one X Chromosome so I'm staying.

I can't believe though that you have to work 2 jobs and take care of the kids (and no doubt do the housework and cooking), while he earns such a huge wedge. Christ, it's like something out of Dickens!

(Sorry, ladies, but I'm outraged and so the language might get a little blue in a minute..)

I seriously believe that if anyone should be angry it's you! I'd tell him that because of his tightness you've had to get into debt and work 2 jobs in order to make ends meet and that you're not going to put up with it any longer. Either he changes, or you're off.

You sound like a lovely bloke DD

Hannahsmummy believe me, if you don't start to be a person in your own right soon, your husband will become more and more controlling over the years. What happens when your daughter wants to start living a life of her own? He may well try to control her too - would you want that?
I know you love him, but it doesn't look as though he loves you so much as he loves being in control (sorry, love, but that's how it looks to me).

I do think, like everyone else, that your wedding costs should be between you two and no concern of your parents, especially when they are already in debt. Personally I think bailing out your brother is a bad idea, but that's not what this is about.

Your husband is a miser and that is a miserable thing for you and your child/children to live with - I know from personal experience, it gets worse as the years roll by, the more they have, the more they want. I would be inclined to give your OH an ultimatum - either he alters now or you're taking your daughter and leaving him with just his money to love!

Whatever you do, I hope your life gets easier and happier :grouphug:

Helonearth

Hi HM

Firstly, I just wanted to say well done for being so brave to tell your husband about the debt THE PAIR of you have.

I might be taking this off on the wrong track, but I just wanted to ask. Is there any possiblity that your husband could be in financial difficulty as well? I understand that he does earn a lot compared to many people, but he has had a divorce and is paying maintenance. A lot of people get themselves into debt and will admit that, despite blowing thousands, they have nothing to show for it.

Although I think your husband is wrong for expecting your parents to pay for your wedding, he seems very old-fashioned, which may go some way to explaining this attitude.

Perhaps there is still room for more honesty in this relationship?

Hugs,
Helen

Dithering_Dad

consultant31 wrote: »

You sound like a lovely bloke DD

Thanks consultant32

I was actually worried I was coming across as a bit judgemental but when you read stuff like "He won't let me open the windows or blinds", "I can't have hot water because of the electricity", "have to give my husband all my bank statements for filing" and "have to work two jobs to pay for wedding" its so damned difficult to hold back (and believe me I HAVE held back on a few comments that I'd like to make, let me tell you!).

I'm just amazed that this sort of thing still goes on in this day and age and that women are prepared to put up with it. The only reason though that husbands (and wives sometimes) get away with this sort of crap is because their other half's let them. If I tried this with Mrs DD, she'd soon set me right (she's skinny and weak looking, but those wiry muscles hold the strength of 10 men when she's angry! *scared*).

I just hope you can stand up to this bully, Hannahsmummy (hmnn that rhymes. Cool, I am a poet and did not know it) because he won't change if you don't draw the line.

steve700

Miss_Scarlett wrote: »

I too am glad everything went better than expected, but, your hubby earns 57k and he expects your parents to pay for your wedding when they are struggling financially. It seems to me everything is everyone elses fault, the way I see it (and by all means tell me to bog off) is that your husband is soley responsible for this mess. Not only is he refusing to pay for his own wedding but he is so domineering and pig headed his own wife couldn't tell him about the issues her parents were having and the debt that resulted.

I really don't think your parents should be worrying about this, your husband clearly has the money to pay off the debt, I think he should do that first of all, then, he should give you a reasonable amount of money from his salary to pay for things your children might need.

Exactly........................

sammy115

hannahs mummy - don't let your parents pay the debt. Its yours and OH's debt, not theirs. They seem to have enough problems..

Your OH just seems to be passing the buck now and accepting no responsibility.

Words cannot express how upset I feel on your behalf. You should be sitting down now and working out how to go forwards with money on an equal footing. He tells you that you have been caught in the middle and he is putting you in an even more impossible situation.

If nothing else carry on as you are and pay the debt off yourself - at least now he knows where you money goes. Let him live with his conscience!

hannahsmummy1

I have been on the phone to my parents who have said that they want to give me 3K, my parents were supposed to be coming down to see me in 2 weeks, but my mum has said as things stand she will not come down because she will only say things to him that will upset me, she said i need to stand up to him as he is treating me like a child. I have always been weak, ive been bullied all my life and i see this as bullying, but its no different to what im used to, hence the reason ive built up a tolerance to this kind of thing. Ihave told my parents i dont want them to get into even more debt, they have long since cut up their cards & finally get rent from my brother since he got a decent job, he also just got a 1K payout from the taxman so he has given that to my parents trying to pay them back. Because they had been funding my brother all of their wages were going on him, and paying back money from the 2 cards & the loan they have, now they dont have to sub my brother my mum has said they are going to pay off the cards within 2 months using both sets of wages, and they will live off the rent & housekeeping my brother gives them. They had a meeting with the bank, who advised them to switch to them reguarding their mortage as they could save them money & also my parents had a chat with the bank and they suggested re-mortaging, so thats the path they have chosen. I know i have to start standing up to him, but i just dont like confrontations, i hate arguments and fighting and am soft to the core, but i guess something has to give sometime. I am continuing to pay my debts off, it has so far given me great satisfaction to know i have been paying them with no help from him- if anything if i ever did leave him it would stand me in good stead to know i could do it without him!

teenyweenyspender

Hi HM, so pleased you posted again.

I really hope i dont offend you, but your partners attitude is horrendous. He has done nothing but lay the blame at you and your kind parents feet. Please dont let your mum worry about the debt anymore.
Your husband should be helping you resolve the rest of the debt you owe, as a partnership. The money was spent on a very special day for the both of you.
You have done so well so far repaying your loan, struggling with 2 jobs and looking after your family, please stay strong and urge him to discuss your finances together.

Wishing you lots of luck :grouphug:

sammy115

These are only my personal thoughts. I would only be happy to take money from my parents in these circumstances if I was going to leave my husband, and I would want to be debt free before I left him..

Might I suggest Relate - and not necessarily for the both of you, but perhaps just you in the first instance. You need to address the issues that you have surrounding confrontation or you are never going to have a happy relationship, ever. Believe me I speak from experience.

borderlakland

hi hm feel free to tell me to butt out but what would your dh say if you told him you didn't want to work anymore and be a stay at home mummy and he would have to pay for all the things you've been paying. think you need to know what he is spending his income on even with paying money to his ex he is earning far more money than most people dream of earning.as people prev have sugested has he got debt probs you dont know of or poss a gambling or other addiction? are you in a position to have a chat with his ex is it poss he was like this with her & that is why they split up? you have been strong enough to talk about your problems on here keep on being strong and start talking to your oh or as sugested to relate, maybe ask yourself is this the way i want to live the rest of mylife?sorry to go on but please dont let yourself be bullied like this what sort of example are you setting to your daughter?do you want her believe all women are treated this way?

onedayiwill

HM - He bullies you because he can, because you "tolerate" it.

I also hate confrontation. Which is why I love a man who is gentle, kind, considerate and also does not like confrontation. Not all men are bullies, and you deserve better.

But you are with him, for whatever reason, and I think that you should consider some counselling with RELATE as previously suggested.