tonights the night

chickadee

A newcomer to this thread so I hope you don't mind me saying my twopenneth. I think counselling would be a fantastic start for helping you to get some inner strength. Even your username smacks of low self-esteem. I-am-not-a-person-in-my-own-right-my-only-worth-comes-from-my-daughter. Sorry but it hits me in the face, I don't know about other posters. You said earlier that your OH's ex said he was controlling. Perhaps he was attracted to you because he saw in you a person who was willing to be controlled, and that's just the way he likes it. And possibly so do you. Being controlled or bullied, at least you know what to expect.

HM, you need to find the person YOU are. The trouble is, if the worm turns (so to speak) will he like it? Probably not is my guess. I'd keep your mum's offer of money in reserve in case you need a FU fund!

Do you have anything in common, any shared interests that you can build on together, or does he prefer to file your bank statements for fun in the evenings?

Get some help HM. I don't mean from family, get a lawyer! Sorry I'm not more positive but it is horrible to think of how your life must be. Good luck hun!

borderlakland

as much as i know its got to be your decision as to what happens i agree with just about all that has been said here, your dh is controlling because you let him.evidence prooves that women who saw their mum bullied/abused/subjected to violence are likely to end up in similar relationships as they think this is the norm or don't no any difference.is this relationship the sort you want your daughter to have in the future?please b strong for her sake its her future as well as yours. believe me you are both worth far far more than this. she is too precious,

boadicea_2

:mad: How dare he make you and your child feel as though you cannot move freely within your own home?

:mad: How dare he make you feel to afraid to talk to him about finances?

:mad: How dare he expect your parents to pay for what was also his wedding?

He is bullying you HM. And unless it is stopped, it will get worse.

Either face him with this fact, and get help together - or get out. The issue within this relationship is not your debt - that just covers a far more serious issue, namely that you are not in this marriage as two equal, loving partners with the same status.

Keeping complete control of finances is a very good way of keeping the other partner under your rule. Money is powerful because it gives the power of choice - to stay, to leave, to come, to go.

You are an adult - be treated like one.

FrugalJo

Dear HM
I'm pretty useless at giving advice and I feel for you. You love your parents and from your earlier posts I believe you love your hubby. However you seem to be the one stuck in the middle. You are so loyal, supportive and unselfish to everyone else but as an earlier poster said where's the support for you.

I loathe confronatation aswell and understand how you feel. I don't expect anything from anyone, I don't think you do either.

Wish you the best in all this.

Lucifer

Hey Guys,

I know you are all trying to help HM, but I am worried you are gonna scare her off. I hate confrontation, (bow my head and walk away kinda girl). She needs, our love and support and not harsh words - even tho everyone knows they are well meaning. She is being pushed around by all and sundry as it is and probably doesn't need us to add to it.

Thinking of you HM and sending you lotsa hugs from a fellow softie xx

Dithering_Dad

Well said Lucifer. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves, behaving like a load of harridan's!

I can't think what your husbands must be thinking, letting you use computers anyway. My missus is too busy cooking and cleaning to be messing about on here. You all need your bottoms paddling!

*turns to wife*
"Yes dear, I'm just, erm, typing a letter. Well no I haven't finished making dinner. Yes dear, I'll stop messing about on here and start making it..."

Anyway, I have to go now and do, erm, some car repair, but you lot remember what I said!!
*Shakes fist at everyone*

Lucifer

DD, Yeah you talk about bottoms paddling - its only cos thats what you fancy!!!

Dithering_Dad

Lucifer wrote: »

DD, Yeah you talk about bottoms paddling - its only cos thats what you fancy!!!

No I don't.

chevalier

Hi Hannahs mummy. I hope that you are all well. Whilst I agree with the other posters I think you may have to face the fact that you are in for a rough ride. In standing up for yourself, you will be threatening your OH's world and he may get more defensive to protect it. Bullys are often really frightened inside and try and control their environment so that they won't get hurt. This can be lashing out physically or being controlling.

BUT you have a daughter(s?) who needs to have a positive female role model in her life. A person who is able to stand up for herself and not be insulted and let the person doing that get away with it. She needs a role model who will tell a male that such behaviour is unacceptable, and that both of your are equals, not master and servant.

If you don't pursue this further, will she be getting a positive role model in you? Be strong for her, and you will find over time that you can be strong for yourself too.

Best of luck and stay strong
chev

Indebted2uRen79

hannahsmummy1 wrote: »

its complicated- the wedding thing i mean! My parents originally agreed that they would foot the bill for the wedding- they at the time had savings from when they re-mortaged their house. So they offered- which was a hige weight at the time. They couldnt get their hands on the money straight away (again complicated which i wont bore you with) anyway to cut a long story short i was told by my father i should have gotten a cheque from my mum- but never did- for the full amount of the wedding- never got a cheque -but the money was gone from their account so he assumed (wrongly) that i had gotten the money. So i was waiting for money that was never going to arrive- hence the reason i had told hubby it had all been sorted out- to my knowledge it was- my mum then tells me that she has had to bail my brother out (again a long story- he is involved in drugs) to the tune of over 10k- so she had used their savings- she said she was sorry- so i told her not to worry i would pay for the wedding, which is what i did- only now im paying the price- getting myself into debt! With hindsight i would have done things a lot differently- ie NOT gotten into debt for the wedding, but whats done is done, my parents feel awful & responsible-even when ive told them its not their fault- they are in dire straights financially too because of my brother (again complicated!) so thats the reason about why the wedding cost 9k etc- hope this explains it

Believe me my heart goes out to you. I can imagine you spending your life walking on egg shells but what are you doing.

:eek:

When I was getting married my dad offered and then had to decline because of a private operation for his mother in law. So at that point my husband got a loan to pay for our wedding.
If he knew you had the loan due to the probs your parents were having then why didn't he SORT IT (£57k pa)before the honeymoon was over then when your parents paid as was expected he could have squirreled it away back into his own personal stash. Ok he would have lost out in the long run but neither of you were aware at the time.

:mad:

The other thing I don't get is why did your parents offer if they dislike him. My parents wouldn't have dreamt of helping me with my ex as he sounds like you r hubby, hence he's my ex, they would have seen it as encouragement