Kids living at home.

Nenen

Thank you so much for all your opinions and ideas... it is much appreciated and has really helped clarify my thinking.

Well... after all my worries and preconceived ideas I'm just recovering from the shock of finding out what my ds really thinks about paying housekeeping etc having had a 'heart to heart' with him when he came home for the weekend! In fact it was a far easier and more pleasant conversation than I'd built myself up for. Mind you I did employ a slight bargaining tactic in the following way....
I started by telling him honestly (I'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy, especially when family emotions/relationships are concerned) that I had been worried about how we would arrange finances when he returns home to live in a weeks time. I said that I thought he felt resentful that we might make a 'profit' from his contributions and he emphatically denied that and said he had been having a laugh with his Dad who (unbeknown to me) had jokingly said he couldn't wait for ds to come home so he could be a 'kept man' on the £200 per WEEK :eek: ds would be paying us! So glad we got that one sorted out to start with!

Then I told ds my worries had led me to seeking advice on MSE (he knows what a fan I am as I'm always passing on MSE tips to him) and said I had received a range of suggestions including:
1) We split all bills 4 ways (me and dh paying our own shares plus our younger ds's share)... horrified silence and big gulp as he immediately realised that would work out about £200+ per week!
2) We use the third of his salary for his housekeeping, third for his savings and third for his spending rule; again a large intake of breath as he worked out that would be about £350 per month;
3) We go for a quarter of his take home pay... probably about £250... you could see him visibly relax as he realised things might be getting a bit better :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
4) We look at what his income/outgoings would be and see what would be manageable and still leave him a reasonable amount (certainly more than dh and I get to spend just on ourselves):D ... from this we worked out that after he had allowed for paying back his overdraft at £150 per month; car upkeep and bills; mobile phone costs etc he would be left with just over £600 (plus any overtime money he can get which i want him to keep as an incentive to work hard). I suggested that if he gave us £200 per month that left him £100 per week to spend (or hopefully save a bit) as he wants.

Having been through the options he was delighted to accept option 4!!!! I was more than happy with this and so glad to feel we had both reached something we were happy with without any bitterness and resentment on either side.... although it does mean that dh has to wait a bit longer to be a kept man

I am hoping to do as many pps suggested and put a little of this aside in savings (unknown to ds) for when he either moves out or goes off on his travels... I know he'll be delighted!

So... to cut a long story short... the moral of the story is to talk about it honestly but use a bit of good old MSE sense to make the other party feel as if they have a bargain!

Nenen

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I
Too many people worry about their children "liking" them rather than doing what's right

I couldn't agree more with this statement... I see so many parents thinking that giving in to their child and providing instant gratification/immediate happiness is the route to the child's long term welfare. I firmly believe that sometimes our children do have to dislike us/our decisions and then, some time in the future, appreciate that we were acting in their best interests and for their own long term good.

I suppose I'd hoped that at almost 22 we'd gone past that stage with my ds and had been disappointed by what I thought his attitude was. Fortunately, our 'heart to heart' did clear the air and made me feel that we hadn't done such a bad job bringing him up after all! To be fair to him, he had been very honest with us in the beginning when he'd asked if we would mind him coming back home to live and said it was because he knew it would cost him a lot less until he could pay off his debts and go off travelling or get a flat of his own... so he's never tried to hide that fact and pretend it's because he is longing to live with his mummy!:D

melg1973

betterlatethannever wrote: »

I just wondered what other DFW's charge their kids for staying at home?
I have a 17 year old daughter who works part-time (hopefully full time soon) and earns £93.pw
She pays me £25 a week, thought she does buy all her own shampoos/personal products etc.
She thinks she pays too much, i think she pays not enough.
I just wondered how, as parents, we can decide how much is right? ( though we NEVER seem to get it right, do we?)

I had just been remembering that my first job I also took home £93 per week and also gave my mum £25 a week too (and she too relied on my contribution). But then I realised that was when we didn't have a mobile, didn't have broadband and half a lager was 60p......so the rest of it went a lot further!!!!!!

belfastgirl23

Hey Nenen well done, sounds like you handled the conversation magnificently! And everyone wins!

I often think these debates are about kids wanting it both ways, wanting to be adult in terms of independence of movement but wanting to be looked after like kids (hey who wouldn't want that ) . Sounds like your DS has been very well brought up and has moved into adulthood in double quick time.