Kids living at home.

Nenen

Thanks a lot for all those helpful replies... I was expecting lots of people to tell me I was being mean as we can actually just about afford not to charge him anything!

I think the stumbling block of resentment is his feeling that by charging him more than purely the extra costs he generates being here (i.e. extra food and a small amount of extra heating/lighting costs) we are 'profiting' from him living with us as all the other bills we would have to pay anyway (irrespective of whether or not he is living here). He hasn't actually said too much or spelt this out but knowing him as I do I can feel the 'vibes'.

I must also say that he won't be living in luxury whatever he gives us as he will currently be sharing a small bedroom with his younger brother (we sold our house recently and are renting a house at the moment while hunting for something new). He will also be expected to share household chores... he's adept at using a washing machine and dishwasher as well as cooking a meal for us all once or twice a week... I'm not the kind of mum who waits on the rest of the family hand and foot so he'll still have to chip in!

I still feel a bit 'odd' charging him more than the pure cost of him staying here... I think the time has come for a heart to heart with him... but would appreciate any further counter arguements to the 'but you'd be paying that anyway' opinion I expect him to come up with (could be wrong of course and maligning him)!

jezebel

Nenen, your son is choosing to live at home with you, if he has a job lined up he could liver elsewhere and perhaps he should check out the cost of room and board locally in a shared house to see how much better off he'll be with Mom and Dad!

On a salary of £17000 the tax man will be taking about £50 a week from him too - for room, board and bills that is more than reasonable. I'm on a similar salary and pay £200 per month in rent and feel a little guilty I don't pay more and my parents are in a similar situation that they don't really need the money but why should they keep me. Whether or not you can afford to keep him is irrelevant, you should not have to because he's an adult now and he can afford to keep himself. You did your part and letting him live at home is more than generous as I have friends whose parents wouldn't take them back now and why should they

As for counter arguments to "you'd be paying that anyway" - the argument surely must be - yes, well if you lived on your own you'd be taking on the full cost of it if you wanted it, we're spreading the cost with you aren't we lovely parents Living at home is an option, not a right!

Oldernotwiser

I agree with most of the previous posts but would like to add that I think you're underestimating the extra costs of keeping him anyway. When our (foster) son left home, our phone bill went down by 75%, our water and electricity by 50% and our gas by 25%. I estimate that our bills went down by £40 per week on current prices. On top of this would be food costs of around £25 per week (unless you're particularly money saving). It seems to me that charging him £50 per week you may be at least £30/40 out of pocket anyway.
I know these costs are a generalisation but even if the landline isn't used, many young people seem to shower at least once a day and generate far more washing than someone older. (Unless we were particularly unlucky.) All of this needs to be taken into account.
As an alternative, why don't you let him buy all his own food and split utilities between the number of people in the household. I'll bet he'd find this more expensive than paying weekly and would educate him in where the money goes!

keelykat

He's one lucky bloke if he doesnt pay his way when he's in a full time job! i reckon it's very cheeky and immature to think he shouldnt pay anything when living with his parents. I moved out properly 3 years ago from my parents house, ill be 23 in july and know how much things really cost now! i couldnt live with my parents, whilest working and not give them anything....its taking advantage and taking the p!ss!

keely.

edited to add-my parents bills did go down when i left! they do hardly any washing now, and dont need to buy as much food! (i love my food lol).

ailuro2

I agree since the house is currently rented then let him pay an adult proportion of that, as well as his share of food, bills,council tax etc.

If he accuses you of profitting then ask him to try flatsharing with a friend.;)

jezebel

ailuro2 wrote: »

I agree since the house is currently rented then let him pay an adult proportion of that, as well as his share of food, bills,council tax etc.

If he accuses you of profitting then ask him to try flatsharing with a friend.;)

From personal experience flat sharing is definitely more expensive and a lot harder if you let money issues come between friends

Kimitatsu

Nenen

Stop feeling guilty!! he is 22, you have supported him through full time education and now he is an adult in an adult world.

If you let him get away with not realising how much it costs to run a household are you actually doing him any favours in the long run? Better that he realises now than he has a HUGE shock at 25, and comes back home, with huge debts and his tail between his legs.

If you are feeling really guilty then why not put a proportion of his rent money away in a high interest savings account to help him into a property of hiss own at some point? I am doing that for my kids now and they are lots younger, but I think its the only way I will be able to throw them out of the nest.

bekkithedevil

Nenen, stop feeling guilty! I agree with what all the other posters have said. If you still feel guilty then why not put the "extra" £30 (ie the bit your son thinks is profit) into savings for when he moves out - he'll need it!

I'm 22, earn £18k and pay £280 a month just for rent (living with my partner - £525 in total)! Add to that the gas, electricity, phone, water, council tax, internet, food, etc, etc and I think you'll find your son is getting a bargain for £50 a week! why not show him this thread and try to explain the real cost of living?

Sorry if anything I've suggested has already been said, but I hope some of it helps!

Bekki

Nenen

Oh thank you.... you have all been so helpful and positive :beer:

I suppose it wouldn't feel so bad if he didn't have any experience of the cost of living and was just naive (the stereotypical example and one easily dealt with by showing all bills etc or letting child try going it alone for a while), but he has been living away from home for the last three years (except vacations) while at uni so it's not ignorance/innocence that is the issue! In the house he's just been sharing for the last two years he was paying £65 per week in rent alone, then had to pay a share of all the utility bills and buy his own food, washing stuff etc on top of that... so it's not as if he has no idea about the cost of things! I just hate the thought of him thinking we are profiteering unfairly from him in some way!

I think living with others whose parents have been able to give them a lot more than he had from us while at uni has made him feel a bit hard done by (and he really isn't usually like that). He sees them leaving uni with minimal debts... one friend whose parents have paid their son's rent and given him an allowance throughout are now offering to pay off all their son's overdrafts and student loans as well, whereas my ds has around £14,000 worth of combined debts. :eek: Instead of comparing himself to the millions of people that are far worse off he is seeing all this debt facing him and panicing a bit (family trait maybe)

I've just had a thought... maybe I should tell him his dad and I want to take a years sabbatical from our jobs next year to travel the world and so, as we will need to save up for it, would he like to subsidise us this year so we can do so?:D

Either that or maybe sit him down with all our bills and suggest we split them 4 ways (we have another ds at 6th form who we'd obviously have to pay for)!:D
Anyway, thanks again :beer:

lizziebabe

When should you start charging for children staying at home? I am divorced and give my daughter (20yrs) an allowance from the maintenance my ex gives me for her and my son. She is at UNI and has a house which she rents and her dad pays for!! Now she is home for the summer and working very hard, 2 jobs. I don't give her anything whilst she is at home and she helps me around the house. My son is 17 and still at school. I give him a very small allowance as he also gets EMA's. Every now and again I give him a reasonable amount for clothes etc (from maintenance). He is a bit lazy and doesn't seem that interested in getting a job, but I've told him he must for the summer. I am at UNI myself and have summer language students and a job to supplement grants and loans. But my children still seem to think it is up to me to still do everything, cleaning, washing,shopping, cooking etc. My daughter does help at times, but what I do ie UNI is not important. I was a Nurse but had to take redundancy last year. HO HUM!