My savings ..our or my money?!

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

Our past experiences can leave "trigger points" which are extra-sensitive. His reaction to your purchase might be because it's one of his sensitive areas caused by his ex's behaviour.

It could take him a long time to let go of such knee-jerk reactions. As usual, it's talking about it that helps.

It sounds very strange to me that you use your £200 to pay for the clothes, food, toys, etc of your joint child.

Did the two of you ever discuss how the family money should be managed or did it just sort of happen?

I can't even see how anyone could say that they're specifically buying the child's food, which is presumably bought with the general household shopping.

CH27

I sense there's a lot of festering resentment on both sides.

You need to have a good talk & negotiate the way forward.

stir_crazy

Please don't take this as judgement, but I'm stuggling to understand this resentment which seems to be coming from both sides of your relationship. It seems to be that your OH resents you for being able to buy things such as the tablet, or for buying the tablet full stop, but unwilling to speak his mind. You, OP, seem to resent his resentment but are also unwilling to broach the subject with him. It seems like you feel like you have to financially "keep up" with him - by pointing out that you're a SAHM, but that you are also a financially contributing partner in the household (the £70K, and £200p/m).

This brings to mind two people who are house sharing rather than being married, with certain areas being marked off as yours or his. However, the fact that he is upset makes me think that your OH thought that all finances were shared and perhaps he thought you would have run it past him before buying the tablet.

I know I would run something past my OH to inform him that I was definitely buying something of that value, even if we had spoken about it before, but then we both view our money as ours, regardless of who earned it.

74jax

Hushpuppie wrote: »

ladies if you spent 150 on a handbag;shoes;or even a tablet would you ask husband first?

I'm not married (yet) but it won't change whatsoever when we are.

If I wanted to spend £150.00 (or any amount) on anything it wouldn't enter my head to ask my OH.

Many a time I've come home to him having bought his latest kite (he kitesurfs) and they can be £600+.

We are however in a 'comfortable' position, eachw ith our own money, no joint account.

I wouldn't want him to ask me if he can buy something.

balletshoes

74jax wrote: »

I'm not married (yet) but it won't change whatsoever when we are.

If I wanted to spend £150.00 (or any amount) on anything it wouldn't enter my head to ask my OH.

Many a time I've come home to him having bought his latest kite (he kitesurfs) and they can be £600+.

We are however in a 'comfortable' position, eachw ith our own money, no joint account.

I wouldn't want him to ask me if he can buy something.

I think this may be the problem though - in the OP's situation, one of them is in a comfortable position (the OP), her husband is not.

LannieDuck

Hushpuppie wrote: »

ladies if you spent 150 on a handbag;shoes;or even a tablet would you ask husband first?

No, but I would discuss it with him first. As he would discuss a large purchase with me.

valk_scot

If I had a pot of savings in the bank and my OH was financing all the mortgage + household bills + most of the child related expenses out of his salary while also paying off back legal expenses and all I was contributing was £200 a month? Um...I don't think I'd be that keen on saying that I could spend my money in any way I liked while he was skint at the end of every month after paying for my food and day to day expenses tbh.

Yes, I understand the concept of not working because the childcare expenses don't make it worthwhile but at the end of the day he is supporting you. And if he's not got any spare money left over at the end of the month to even consider buying himself treats it must be quite galling for him to see you buying yourself expensive items without even discussing it beforehand, especially if they're unnecessary ones. Maybe he should buy himself a tablet next month and let you make up the shortfall in the domestic budget from your savings? Or maybe neither of you should be buying unnecessary treats while there's a big debt requiring paid off from the sole household income, mmm?

aliama

valk_scot wrote: »

Yes, I understand the concept of not working because the childcare expenses don't make it worthwhile but at the end of the day he is supporting you.

Or to put it another way, the OP is supporting her husband by providing free childcare, enabling him to work without having to worry about who's looking after the kids.

Sorry, but it's something of a bugbear of mine that often the input of stay-at-home parents is overlooked or considered worthless because they're not providing a financial income.

But having said that I do think you have a valid point. OP, you do seem very resentful about the money he spent on solicitors in the past. and I really think you need to let this go and concentrate on your marriage as an equal partnership.

Mojisola

Hushpuppie wrote: »

Why do you find it strange? do you think that I shouldnt pay it? its his way of making life in our house 'fairer' I guess. It doesnt bother me its 200, wont get rich saving it!

Because it feels as if your daughter isn't part of him - surely you're a family?

valk_scot wrote: »

If I had a pot of savings in the bank and my OH was financing all the mortgage + household bills + most of the child related expenses out of his salary while also paying off back legal expenses and all I was contributing was £200 a month? Um...I don't think I'd be that keen on saying that I could spend my money in any way I liked while he was skint at the end of every month after paying for my food and day to day expenses tbh.

Yes, I understand the concept of not working because the childcare expenses don't make it worthwhile but at the end of the day he is supporting you. And if he's not got any spare money left over at the end of the month to even consider buying himself treats it must be quite galling for him to see you buying yourself expensive items without even discussing it beforehand, especially if they're unnecessary ones. Maybe he should buy himself a tablet next month and let you make up the shortfall in the domestic budget from your savings? Or maybe neither of you should be buying unnecessary treats while there's a big debt requiring paid off from the sole household income, mmm?

valk_scot has put it well. Household bills have to be paid from household income - that's your income and his wages, combined. I don't understand the thinking that can separate the spending on a child from the general household budget.

It sounds as if you have a lot of resentment against him and his previous family and are expressing it by keeping control of "your" money.

VestanPance

I know every couple has their own way of managing their joint income, but I still find it bizarre that people can be married, have children and still run with the "my money, your money" scenario.

I guess I'm old fashioned, but it seems more like two people co-habiting than a family to me.