My savings ..our or my money?!

Hushpuppie_2

I recently bought a tablet computer cost 150.00 my husband didnt seem happy..I said its out of my savings not household or his or anyones...
im 42 and think the money I earned and saved should not be totally 'ours'
I have put in ALOT took out 70;000 loan against my housed from where I moved to be here for him and few thousand for other stuff in setting up here.I paid half maternity every month for bills etc until im on zero now income

the home I had is now rented out and any income it makes (not much approx 200 after bills mortgage is paid ) is used for food..
so as I see it my savings which I saved before and hardly touch I should not be made guilty for spending!
coming here from everything and everyone I know has made my depression worse..if anyone read my previous posts will understand

ladies if you spent 150 on a handbag;shoes;or even a tablet would you ask husband first?

savings I always had put away for times like this when im a SAHM
I do treat him as well and my daughter as well.

he is making me feel bad and guilty for having tablet so its in draw upstairs

any advice on how to manage this?

before anyone says we split everything 50 50 please note i have helped husband out alot he is divorced so lost his house etc

gunsandbanjos

As long as all your bills are paid and you don't have mountains of debt you can spend your hard earned money on whatever the heck you want.
I bought a £700 handbag and my husband never batted an eyelid!

fluffnutter

It's not really about the money - it's about respect, making an equal contribution and not resenting each other.

In terms of what other people do with their money when they marry, it's not hugely relevant because what works for one couple won't work for another. Some like to keep everything separate, some like to pool the finances, and it doesn't matter what you do provided you both feel happy with the arrangement. If I bought something my husband wouldn't care whether it was out of 'my savings' or 'his income'.

For some reason unknown to us, your husband feels you've been unreasonable in spending £150. Does he think money's tight? Is he quite controlling? Does he resent the fact that you don't work at the moment? Do you often quarrel about money? Who knows what's going on. But my bet is that this isn't simply about your spending some money - it's symptomatic of something else.

Hushpuppie_2

Yes everything is paid for and hes knows I dont squander everything I have ,he knows this is something Ive wanted for ages

Teeniepops

I also helped my OH out with his divorce so I can understand where you're coming from.

Would I ask if I was spending £150? Depends. Probably if it was something that was a luxury and not necessity (I.e. new iPod V new glasses). But whenever I do ask, it's more a heads-up than ask for permission because I never buy things we can't afford and of the two of us, I'm the one who got my OH straight with money and got him into saving.

We split everything 50:50 and each save £X every month into joint savings. We allot £X 'pocket money' each per month too and each have out own savings for gifts for each other. I would only let him know for things above the value of what we each get a month as free money. Or something he may enjoy too so we can choose together.

I think it would be better to sit and talk to your OH and clear the air. He may be worried about money without you knowing or be shocked that you have your own savings...does he know?

Money can destroy a relationship, during and after it ends. Please try talk to him and see why he was annoyed. Explain your feelings too.

Good luck

aliama

If I was making a big purchase from my savings, I would mention it to my husband beforehand, but this doesn't necessarily mean asking his permission. But then, that works both ways of course.

In what way is he making you feel bad and guilty? Has he said anything outright, or is he just in a huff?

Could it be your husband is a bit worried about money for the future and concerned about the savings being wasted? Or maybe he's just jealous that you've got a tablet and he hasn't. When was the last time he made a purchase like this for himself? Or is he not able to go out and buy something for himself with his OWN money (you mentioned treating him). If that's the case that right there could be the root of his problems. Maybe he's just feeling fed up about not being able to buy something for himself and taking it out on you.

If he's just sulking, he might get over this in time. I'd say get the tablet out and use it. If it's just sitting in a drawer not being used that WILL be a waste of money. Use it, and ignore his sulks (as long as they're not too bad). Let him use it too and maybe he'll come around.

Hushpuppie_2

fluffnutter wrote: »

It's not really about the money - it's about respect, making an equal contribution and not resenting each other.

In terms of what other people do with their money when they marry, it's not hugely relevant because what works for one couple won't work for another. Some like to keep everything separate, some like to pool the finances, and it doesn't matter what you do provided you both feel happy with the arrangement. If I bought something my husband wouldn't care whether it was out of 'my savings' or 'his income'.

For some reason unknown to us, your husband feels you've been unreasonable in spending £150. Does he think money's tight? Is he quite controlling? Does he resent the fact that you don't work at the moment? Do you often quarrel about money? Who knows what's going on. But my bet is that this isn't simply about your spending some money - it's symptomatic of something else.

I dont work because its not cost effective and childcare is too much ,husband is fine with me being at home...also I do spend all the rental income from my house on food and babys stuff its only 200 but at least I contribute something

Yes it may be more, he lost alot from divorce but that has nothing to do with me or am I supposed to suffer the ill effects from that?

Hushpuppie_2

aliama wrote: »

If I was making a big purchase from my savings, I would mention it to my husband beforehand, but this doesn't necessarily mean asking his permission. But then, that works both ways of course.

In what way is he making you feel bad and guilty? Has he said anything outright, or is he just in a huff?

Could it be your husband is a bit worried about money for the future and concerned about the savings being wasted? Or maybe he's just jealous that you've got a tablet and he hasn't. When was the last time he made a purchase like this for himself? Or is he not able to go out and buy something for himself with his OWN money (you mentioned treating him). If that's the case that right there could be the root of his problems. Maybe he's just feeling fed up about not being able to buy something for himself and taking it out on you.

If he's just sulking, he might get over this in time. I'd say get the tablet out and use it. If it's just sitting in a drawer not being used that WILL be a waste of money. Use it, and ignore his sulks (as long as they're not too bad). Let him use it too and maybe he'll come around.

I will use it and the reason he has not much left to spend is he has to pay maintenance for his first kids with his ex

Im beginning to feel resentful..I could go to work then pay it all on childcare ,he knows our daughter is happy and everyone comments she is very chatty etc for her age so I think she benefits from me being at home with me and attention I give her.

quinechinoise

Hushpuppie wrote: »

ladies if you spent 150 on a handbag;shoes;or even a tablet would you ask husband first?

Depends on the item and the context. Also it is joint savings, unless you have separate finances.

Personally... I think about 100 quid is the cut-off point for reasonable, impulse-based, everyday expenditure. I certainly wouldn't ask before spending 100 quid on groceries or clothing. And I wouldn't exactly "ask" before spending more than 100 quid - perhaps "inform" or "discuss" might be a more appropriate term?

If 150 quid is a relatively trivial sum to your household, then I don't see the problem. If you have a significant amount of "rainy day" savings, then I don't see the problem. If neither of you would ordinarily spend more than, I don't know, 50 quid in one go and that money was earmarked for essentials then, yes, there would be a big problem.

What is he not happy about? The expense (which you imply is affordable)? The tablet? (Does he think you bought a rubbish computer?) Not being informed in advance? (In a "it would be nice if you'd mentioned it" way - not in a mean/controlling way. Perhaps he thinks he's a computer expert and feels hurt that you disagree!) Don't race through your savings but there's no pockets in a shroud, etc.

Hushpuppie_2

Also just to add he did have alot of savings when we met but he kept spending it on solicitor and court bills trying to get his 'share' of what he put into his 1st marriage but he lost it all.His parents kept telling him to leave it but he was not going to listen

peachyprice

Did he know you still had savings, or does he think you've been squirelling money away to buy the tablet?

I can see that if he has no savings and he didn't know you had any that he could possibly peeved that you've managed to scramble enough money together to buy a tablet which would have meant diverting money from elsewhere.

On the other had, if he knew you have savings and he is in a similar position it's none of his business what you spend your savings on and he is free to do the same.