My savings ..our or my money?!

Vortex1

What's yours is mine but what's mine is mine springs to mind. Thought marriages were partnerships.

VestanPance

Vortex1 wrote: »

What's yours is mine but what's mine is mine springs to mind. Thought marriages were partnerships.

Well in that case the OP won't mind him using her tablet! :rotfl:

Better_Off_1983

You see so many posts on here where a husband leaves his wife and she is a SAHM bringing in no money because she raises the children at home and shes is depending on his wages, or he loses his job and he is the main breadwinner.

It's better to have your own money so that you are not dependent on your spouse's income whem circumstances change.

JimmyTheWig

Hushpuppie wrote: »

no he does not have 150 spare but why is it unfair that I cant have tablet either? im not the one who spent all savings on solictors . so does that mean its unfair that I put in 70,000 cash into buying this house and he didnt surely thats not fair on me? but im not complaining there

ps it will be a very very long time before he ever puts the same in as I did
so for anyone who thinks im being unfair I have paid loads more than him and its fine! he pays the mortage and bills

I never understand this yours/mine stuff when it comes to money.
You both work hard to support yourselves and your daughter. He does his work by earning money. You do yours by doing the childcare. I agree with you that you could "even things up" on paper by going to work and paying for childcare, but that would be pointless. So you need to see each other as equals.
For us, we put all money into a joint pot and spend it jointly. Others pay bills 50/50 and keep what's left to themselves. [If you were to do this, he would need to give you half of the childcare costs that would be due if you went out to work.] Others pay according to percentages, etc.
Personally, seeing as you are both working hard, I see no reason why you shouldn't end up with the same amount of spending money as each other (either individually or joint). I don't know if that is the case, or if there is, even, any spending money left after bills.

The other issue is the starting point. Things weren't equal when you started the relationship. You had £70k and a property that brings in £200 a month. Plus savings. He had nothing, and a committment to previous children. Whether he had nothing because he made bad decisions (such as spending on solicitors) or because that's just the way things worked doesn't really come in to it.
I see no reason why, if you are planning on staying together forever, that you can't just pool your starting positions. As you have done with the £70k and £200 a month. But doesn't appear to have been done with your savings and his commitments.

I presume, because you are the one who stopped earning money, that he earns more money than you did. Might that be the case because he has worked harder that you have? Maybe he's put in the hours doing overtime before you met. Maybe he studied hard to get qualifications to help him earn more. Should he see the results of this any less than you should see the results of you not having squandered your money on holidays and the like?


You are in this together, now. You are both working hard for the common good.
If that ends up in a situation where one person can buy a tablet and the other person can't then I can see why there would be resentment.

claire21

You put 100% of your "earnings/profit" into the pot each month. Ie the savings you had before are not going to grow any more.

Does the 100% of his earnings get spent each month or is there some left over, if so what/where does that go?

tara747

74jax wrote: »

I'm not married (yet) but it won't change whatsoever when we are.

If I wanted to spend £150.00 (or any amount) on anything it wouldn't enter my head to ask my OH.

Many a time I've come home to him having bought his latest kite (he kitesurfs) and they can be £600+.

We are however in a 'comfortable' position, eachw ith our own money, no joint account.

I wouldn't want him to ask me if he can buy something.

We're the same; we both have plenty of disposable income, no mortgage and no kids. So it's not a problem. Obviously we're both committed to saving towards a house deposit, and we don't squander money (we're quite sensible financially), so it works for us. If either of us wants to buy something, then we just buy it. We trust each other to save a decent proportion of our income!

If he spent £2,000 on a motorbike, THEN I'd have some questions to ask :rotfl: but if it's just clothes, DVDs and books etc, then fine.

He wasn't a big spender before, but I have him converted to MSE ways and he buys all his DVDs on eBay for 99p, books in charity shops, clothes in the sales! Ditto for me. I'm the queen of bargains!

balletshoes wrote: »

I think this may be the problem though - in the OP's situation, one of them is in a comfortable position (the OP), her husband is not.

And that's the problem here. The OP has explained their position and I have to say that it's not really fair for one person to have disposable income and the other not.

OP - I'll be honest, I would probably feel resentful of the wasted solicitors' fees and the maintenance etc, I'm only human. But if you feel that way, it's important to talk about it imho.

valk_scot wrote: »

If I had a pot of savings in the bank and my OH was financing all the mortgage + household bills + most of the child related expenses out of his salary while also paying off back legal expenses and all I was contributing was £200 a month? Um...I don't think I'd be that keen on saying that I could spend my money in any way I liked while he was skint at the end of every month after paying for my food and day to day expenses tbh.

Yes, I understand the concept of not working because the childcare expenses don't make it worthwhile but at the end of the day he is supporting you. And if he's not got any spare money left over at the end of the month to even consider buying himself treats it must be quite galling for him to see you buying yourself expensive items without even discussing it beforehand, especially if they're unnecessary ones. Maybe he should buy himself a tablet next month and let you make up the shortfall in the domestic budget from your savings? Or maybe neither of you should be buying unnecessary treats while there's a big debt requiring paid off from the sole household income, mmm?

I understood that the pot of savings went into their current house and that the OP only has the £200 a month?

The husband is supporting the family, but the OP is a SAHM and, as such, saving them £££ each month. If she were working, they'd be no better off, and would have the added pressures of less time for housework etc, perhaps less home cooking.

But I agree - if money is tight then buying oneself an expensive gadget while the other person cannot is unfair.

pigpen

I am not a child therefore will not ask permission to spend money.

My OH is currently eyeing up a £5000 watch (inheritence from his grandmother) and I don't care, the bills are up to date, there is food for the children and clothes on their backs and we won't miss what we never had.. (I think he is an idiot for even contemplating such a frivolous waste of cash wherever it came from and I am a little disappointed he isn't doing something useful with the money or even putting any in the girls ISAs.. I'd have allsorts done with it)

[Deleted User]

pigpen wrote: »

I am not a child therefore will not ask permission to spend money.

My OH is currently eyeing up a £5000 watch (inheritence from his grandmother) and I don't care, the bills are up to date, there is food for the children and clothes on their backs and we won't miss what we never had.. (I think he is an idiot for even contemplating such a frivolous waste of cash wherever it came from and I am a little disappointed he isn't doing something useful with the money or even putting any in the girls ISAs.. I'd have allsorts done with it)

Wow.. just wow. I do hope you've got some serious disposable income if he is looking at a £5k watch. Does he know how badly they depreciate?

stir_crazy

pigpen wrote: »

I am not a child therefore will not ask permission to spend money.

My OH is currently eyeing up a £5000 watch (inheritence from his grandmother) and I don't care, the bills are up to date, there is food for the children and clothes on their backs and we won't miss what we never had.. (I think he is an idiot for even contemplating such a frivolous waste of cash wherever it came from and I am a little disappointed he isn't doing something useful with the money or even putting any in the girls ISAs.. I'd have allsorts done with it)

I think this is fair enough, I inform my OH as a courtesy, and to let him know that I have earmarked the money for something. However, the OP seems to be in a position where one partner is under the impression that large purchases should be discussed while the other one feels differently (both valid points of view).

Tish_P

We'd discuss any purchase that took up enough money to make a noticeable difference to our lifestyle. For us at the moment, we're in the lucky postion that that doesn't include a £150 handbag.

OP, this is clearly not about the tablet though, is it? It's about differing attitudes to money and mutual resentment between you and your partner. If you mean to make a go of it you are going to have to stop beating him up for what you perceive to be financial mistakes in his past - and to be blunt, you must both learn to share your toys and play nicely. Counselling sounds like a good idea and might help you catch the problem before it gets worse.