My savings ..our or my money?!

tara747

Slightly different situation to you but...

My OH and I both work, we earn good salaries, we have separate finances (no mortgage yet) and split all the bills 50:50. Whatever is left over is ours to spend; however, we both save as much as we can towards a deposit. I have about 3x more savings than him so I'm already going to be contributing a far bigger chunk of the deposit.

So... if I want something I bl00dy well buy it and don't ask/inform him first! And he can do the same. But we're both quite sensible and don't blow money on crap (well, maybe he counts bags and shoes as crap).

TBH, a lot of the stuff I buy is for the house - it's just stuff that he doesn't think we need, or a nicer version of what he thinks is affordable (e.g. if we needed a new duvet set I'd buy a really nice one - in the sales, mind! - whereas he'd be happy with one from Primark)

If I wanted a computer I'd probably make it a joint purchase - in fact, a PC was the first thing we bought when we moved in together! But a tablet is sort of personal, so I don't see why you should ask, really.

Also:

(1) you have put your fair share in the pot so far
(2) yes, you're a SAHM but you're saving on childcare
(3) him having to pay maintenance and squandering all that money for nothing on solicitors costs you both!

Does he buy things for himself and, if so, does he ask you first?

Sorry, I may come across as a bit too independent on the subject of money, but I've worked and saved damn hard (see my sig) and I don't owe a penny to anyone, so that makes me feel entitled to do as I see fit with mine. When we buy a house I *will* protect my share, just in case.

Better_Off_1983

My money is my money.

sassyblue

lazer wrote: »

If the answer to this is no and all his income is spent on essentials, he is working very hard to provide for you and your daughter, then I can see why he is resentful of you being able to buy the tablet, if he can't.

I can't. Why can't it be a tablet for the household to use? I bet if he wanted to use it the OP wouldn't say no. OP is also working hard bringing up their daughter and keeping their home - they are equal partners, no?

Ignore him OP, l don't see the problem - you are a partnership* you both contribute to the house and you can both spend £150 if you can afford it.

*And no, before someone says - the OP shouldn't have to run it past hubby first, is he a control freak?

heartbreak_star

I'm the same as Tara - I contribute half the mortgage and bills to my OH, and the rest is mine to spend as I wish.

Let him sulk, OP - but also talk to him about why he's sulking.

HBS x

balletshoes

Hushpuppie wrote: »

I will use it and the reason he has not much left to spend is he has to pay maintenance for his first kids with his ex

Im beginning to feel resentful..I could go to work then pay it all on childcare ,he knows our daughter is happy and everyone comments she is very chatty etc for her age so I think she benefits from me being at home with me and attention I give her.

so he doesn't have £150 to spend on a tablet, money is tight for him once he's paid his share of the household bills and maintentance for this children. That could easily be the cause of his resentment when you've just spent £150 on a tablet, I can see that.

I don't know why you're allowing yourself to feel resentful though, presumably you both discussed how you were both going to contribute to the household when you got together and had your child together. If those financial arrangements haven't changed and you're both in the same financial position you were when those arrangements were put in place, and you're both happy with the arrangements, why would you need to feel resentment?
Your OH might be in the huff because he can't afford a £150 tablet right now when you can, but presumably he knew this when you sorted out the household finances between you?

Are his maintenance payments a bugbear in your household? Just wondering, as if he's struggling to pay maintenance and all his other bills, it might be worth re-visiting that, and considering some (or all) of the maintenance as a household bill too.

Hushpuppie_2

lazer wrote: »

So from what I understand

You a stay at home mum, and contribute the £200 from your house rental to the household pot

Your husband works and everything he makes is either spent on child maintenance or contributed to the household pot.
Does any of his income get saved - or is there enough left over for some personal spends for him? ie - could he go out and buy a tablet if he wants?

If the answer to this is no and all his income is spent on essentials, he is working very hard to provide for you and your daughter, then I can see why he is resentful of you being able to buy the tablet, if he can't.
He may have lost savings fighting his divorce, but that is in the past, and he obviously belived he needed to fight it.

I think to prevent this issue of resentfulness of you making significant purchases while he is the one earning the money and cannot afford signifance purchases then you should consider transferring some of the savings into his name - I would consider any money either of you have to be joint money.

and I work very hard bringing up our daughter
she does not go without I buy all her food clothes toys etc
yes he pays for the bills and mortgage but how can I go out to work and pay for other bills take her with me? my income would all go on childcare

Hushpuppie_2

balletshoes wrote: »

so he doesn't have £150 to spend on a tablet, money is tight for him once he's paid his share of the household bills and maintentance for this children. That could easily be the cause of his resentment when you've just spent £150 on a tablet, I can see that.

I don't know why you're allowing yourself to feel resentful though, presumably you both discussed how you were both going to contribute to the household when you got together and had your child together. If those financial arrangements haven't changed and you're both in the same financial position you were when those arrangements were put in place, and you're both happy with the arrangements, why would you need to feel resentment?
Your OH might be in the huff because he can't afford a £150 tablet right now when you can, but presumably he knew this when you sorted out the household finances between you?

Are his maintenance payments a bugbear in your household? Just wondering, as if he's struggling to pay maintenance and all his other bills, it might be worth re-visiting that, and considering some (or all) of the maintenance as a household bill too.

I knew he had maintenance bills etc before we got together so its not a bugbear for me but maybe it is for him!

Hushpuppie_2

tara747 wrote: »

Slightly different situation to you but...

My OH and I both work, we earn good salaries, we have separate finances (no mortgage yet) and split all the bills 50:50. Whatever is left over is ours to spend; however, we both save as much as we can towards a deposit. I have about 3x more savings than him so I'm already going to be contributing a far bigger chunk of the deposit.

So... if I want something I bl00dy well buy it and don't ask/inform him first! And he can do the same. But we're both quite sensible and don't blow money on crap (well, maybe he counts bags and shoes as crap).

TBH, a lot of the stuff I buy is for the house - it's just stuff that he doesn't think we need, or a nicer version of what he thinks is affordable (e.g. if we needed a new duvet set I'd buy a really nice one - in the sales, mind! - whereas he'd be happy with one from Primark)

If I wanted a computer I'd probably make it a joint purchase - in fact, a PC was the first thing we bought when we moved in together! But a tablet is sort of personal, so I don't see why you should ask, really.

Also:

(1) you have put your fair share in the pot so far
(2) yes, you're a SAHM but you're saving on childcare
(3) him having to pay maintenance and squandering all that money for nothing on solicitors costs you both!

Does he buy things for himself and, if so, does he ask you first?

Sorry, I may come across as a bit too independent on the subject of money, but I've worked and saved damn hard (see my sig) and I don't owe a penny to anyone, so that makes me feel entitled to do as I see fit with mine. When we buy a house I *will* protect my share, just in case.

I agree with you plus I have always been independant with my money ..I think have and do still contribute to the household costs alot of SAHM cant and he knows that
I think sometimes he does think of me as a burden

Teeniepops

Hushpuppie wrote: »

I think sometimes he does think of me as a burden

This upsets me. Nobody should be seen (or feel they are) of as a burden, especially by their other half. Especially after supporting them with their issues, raising their daughter and keeping their home.

Way more to relationships than money, though sometimes it's what you put into the bank that counts the most.

tara747

I agree with Teeniepops. You do contribute and no way should he see you as a burden. If it would not be worth your while working then it makes sense for you to stay at home. That saves money but also brings intangible benefits for you all, which I'm sure I don't have to spell out.