Found out I have a step daughter!!

Teeniepops

This must have been a shock! You are all showing amazing strength in what you're doing and hoping for. You'll not need telling this will be difficult at times.

As for your DD being a big freaked out by the age thing...

Right now, the media is swamped with all the allegations against well known people. The girls are often that age group and your DD may be upset by this thought. Plus all the stigma surrounding the stereotypic Jeremy Kyle guest...they'll be in shock and whilst old enough to understand the situation, they are not old enough to see the bigger picture.

I AM NOT SAYING YOUR DH DID WRONG!!!!!

What I mean is, your DD may not be seeing that what they did wasn't strange - they were same age and did what teenagers do. She's young and those thoughts are probably gross to her right now. Plus, this girl to a 9 year old is a woman and she may group her with you and your DH and it's muddled her up mentally!!

You're doing a great thing and I truly hope this works out for you and your family glitter xx

Acc72

glitter_fairy wrote: »

I hadnt even thought of our wills.

I guess its over things like this it can start getting difficult.

What kind of difficulty do you anticipate this will cause ?

glitter_fairy

Person_one wrote: »

The children are her siblings, sharing a big chunk of her DNA, they may look alike, have similar mannerisms etc.

That's a huge connection, I'd be very surprised if she wasn't drawn to them as well.

OP, I think you're handling this really well, from my experience of young people who've had very disrupted and chaotic family lives, they often seek out a 'normal' family that seems secure and loving to align themselves to, whether that's a close friends family or a partner's family, or a section of the extended family.

I get this impression from her that she wants to belong and wants a family. I know it wont always be easy and there will be problems but for now she is great with the younger kids, playing bored games etc with them.

glitter_fairy

Acc72 wrote: »

What kind of difficulty do you anticipate this will cause ?

Because we have a very complicated financial situation, tied in with my father.

glitter_fairy

Teeniepops wrote: »

This must have been a shock! You are all showing amazing strength in what you're doing and hoping for. You'll not need telling this will be difficult at times.

As for your DD being a big freaked out by the age thing...

Right now, the media is swamped with all the allegations against well known people. The girls are often that age group and your DD may be upset by this thought. Plus all the stigma surrounding the stereotypic Jeremy Kyle guest...they'll be in shock and whilst old enough to understand the situation, they are not old enough to see the bigger picture.

I AM NOT SAYING YOUR DH DID WRONG!!!!!

What I mean is, your DD may not be seeing that what they did wasn't strange - they were same age and did what teenagers do. She's young and those thoughts are probably gross to her right now. Plus, this girl to a 9 year old is a woman and she may group her with you and your DH and it's muddled her up mentally!!

You're doing a great thing and I truly hope this works out for you and your family glitter xx

I havnt been calm the whole time lol.

I think it bothers her because while she knows about sex and how you make babies she doesnt understand fully the complications that can go with it. How people dont have sex just to have babies. I guess it also shatters her view of her 'perfect' family.

glitter_fairy

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

Just came across this thread. Big surprise for everyone I'm sure! I don't have any additional advice to offer as everyone else has got there before me, and you seem to have things under control

My OH has 3 teenage daughters and he has full custody. I'm not their step mum officially but I know it can be very difficult sometimes. Will be thinking about you all

If you don't mind, I'd like to follow this thread and see how the holiday goes

how have you found it? do you have children of your own?

podperson

Seanymph wrote: »

I worked in residential care for several years - and with teenagers who had 'been through the system' at that point.

This girl may not want to be 'included in your family' - and it will certainly be a double edged sword for her.

She is also your HUSBAND'S daughter, and that is the primary relationship, not that of you, or indeed your children.

With all due respect I don't think this will always be the case - she may be equally interested in forging a relationship with her new siblings. My OH's biological father walked out on him and his mum when he was just a baby and he has no interest in having any contact with him. However he does think that his father remarried and had more children so he would really like to be able to meet his half-siblings someday. He sees that as 'meeting family' much more then seeing his father again would be.

I appreciate that this is not the same situation OP, but I think it's good that you're encouraging her to get to know her new siblings as well. Although your OH had no idea she existed and therefore it's not his fault that he wasn't around then she may still struggle with feelings of resentful at him having missed out on her childhood - whereas any relationship with the children would be simpler and without as much 'baggage'.

glitter_fairy

podperson wrote: »

With all due respect I don't think this will always be the case - she may be equally interested in forging a relationship with her new siblings. My OH's biological father walked out on him and his mum when he was just a baby and he has no interest in having any contact with him. However he does think that his father remarried and had more children so he would really like to be able to meet his half-siblings someday. He sees that as 'meeting family' much more then seeing his father again would be.

I appreciate that this is not the same situation OP, but I think it's good that you're encouraging her to get to know her new siblings as well. Although your OH had no idea she existed and therefore it's not his fault that he wasn't around then she may still struggle with feelings of resentful at him having missed out on her childhood - whereas any relationship with the children would be simpler and without as much 'baggage'.

I hadnt thought of it like that but thats a good point.

whitewing

Can you have any kind of family counselling for all of you for an ongoing basis because it is such a huge change for each of you.

glitter_fairy

whitewing wrote: »

Can you have any kind of family counselling for all of you for an ongoing basis because it is such a huge change for each of you.

Where is the best place to find information about counciling of this sort?