Found out I have a step daughter!!

glitter_fairy

I have been married for 14 years, we have 2 children, 9 and 10. We thought they were the only children between us.

It turn out my husband got a 15 year old pregnant when he was 16. It was a one night stand while he was visiting family.

He now has an 18 year old daughter, she seems really nice, but has has a pretty rough time of it, in and out of care etc.

I really want to include her in our family but at the same time I am aware this is very odd for our other children.

We are all going on holiday next month.

I guess Im after advice from anyone who has been in this situation

It has also pulled up a lot of questions from the youngest two about why thei dad was having sex so young etc.

Acc72

glitter_fairy wrote: »

It has also pulled up a lot of questions from the youngest two about why thei dad was having sex so young etc.

Have there actually been any questions ? - if not, don't create issues where there aren't any.

Most 9 year olds would think of a 16 year old as being "really old" rather than being too young to have sex.

glitter_fairy

Acc72 wrote: »

Have there actually been any questions ? - if not, don't create issues where there aren't any.

Most 9 year olds would think of a 16 year old as being "really old" rather than being too young to have sex.

They did the maths and asked us already. My daughter was horrified by it and didnt talk to her dad for 2 days.

CH27

glitter_fairy wrote: »

I have been married for 14 years, we have 2 children, 9 and 10. We thought they were the only children between us.

It turn out my husband got a 15 year old pregnant when he was 16. It was a one night stand while he was visiting family.

He now has an 18 year old daughter, she seems really nice, but has has a pretty rough time of it, in and out of care etc.

I really want to include her in our family but at the same time I am aware this is very odd for our other children.

We are all going on holiday next month.

I guess Im after advice from anyone who has been in this situation

It has also pulled up a lot of questions from the youngest two about why thei dad was having sex so young etc.

What does your husband want to do?

amyloofoo

glitter_fairy wrote: »

I have been married for 14 years, we have 2 children, 9 and 10. We thought they were the only children between us.

It turn out my husband got a 15 year old pregnant when he was 16. It was a one night stand while he was visiting family.

He now has an 18 year old daughter, she seems really nice, but has has a pretty rough time of it, in and out of care etc.

I really want to include her in our family but at the same time I am aware this is very odd for our other children.

We are all going on holiday next month.

I guess Im after advice from anyone who has been in this situation

It has also pulled up a lot of questions from the youngest two about why thei dad was having sex so young etc.

It must be a confusing and difficult time for your family, but congratulations on wanting to do what's best for this young lady and making the HUGE step of going on holiday as a family I'm guessing that their age is going to have a big impact on how well they take this news and how they cope with change. It's sad that this girl seems to have had a tough time of it, so please bear this in mind if she doesn't always behave in the way you'd expect - she needs time to adapt as well as your other children.

I've not been in this situation, but I guess I'm kinda in the position of the long-lost daughter... my biological father killed himself when I was three, and afterwards his family wanted nothing to do with me. When I was in my teens I found out he has another daughter who's a year younger than me and have been trying to trace her. This girl was accepted as his 'real' daughter by the family as her Mum was married to my biological father, whereas my Mum was 'just his ex-GF'.

In terms of answering questions to your kids, honesty is probably the best policy - and perhaps could serve as an illustration about what can happen if you're not careful (although again this probably depends on how worldly wise they are for their ages) I hope this situation resolves happily for you (and your now larger) family OP. Out of interest, how did your OH find out? Did she find him when she turned 18?

Seanymph

I worked in residential care for several years - and with teenagers who had 'been through the system' at that point.

This girl may not want to be 'included in your family' - and it will certainly be a double edged sword for her.

She is also your HUSBAND'S daughter, and that is the primary relationship, not that of you, or indeed your children.

If I was working/had been working with her, and was helping you to manage her integration into your family unit, for it to have the maximum chance of success I would recommend to you all that she build a relationship with her father.

That will be where HER interest is, and she will need that to be primary.

You are forcing her to accept a 'unit' in order to get to know her parent.

Whilst you are a unit, that may serve to reinforce your primary claim. And will make her feel overwhelmed and an outsider in the long term.

She will in time obviously want to get to know you all, may want to integrate herself, and may well become 'part of the family'.

But she isn't looking for a 'family' - she's looking for a parent.

You would do better for her and her father to have a holiday - or a weekend away - than offering her to try and mould into a unit that is already in existence.

I don't envy your position - step parenting is the hardest thing - (I am one) - and learning to step back and allow the child to have an unfettered relationship with their parent without expecting everyone to consider your feelings and input and position within the family is the hardest thing in the world.

But, you will protect your children from potential disruption. Give your husband the chance to meet with her, and spend time, and get to know her - so if that goes wrong there is less impact on your family unit. You will not invest yourself and your kids in her - which, if she displays difficulties (I think she will at some point) you won't be building that resentment..... which means when she is slightly older the damage will be less and you can all 'start again'.

This girl isn't going to go away. She will now always be there, and you will always know about her - you all will.

Your husband stands more chance of being torn in two - possibly seeing her behind your back, supporting her financially rather than emotionally at your expense - if you try to 'overheat' it to begin with, and force yourself into the situation.

Stand back, don't push hard, allow her to set the pace, and don't force her to accept you all as a 'family' - allow her to build a relationship with her father at a safe distance and see how she handles it.

That would be my advice.

Mojisola

glitter_fairy wrote: »

He now has an 18 year old daughter, she seems really nice, but has has a pretty rough time of it, in and out of care etc.

I really want to include her in our family but at the same time I am aware this is very odd for our other children.

It's really good that you want to do this and it could help this young women a lot, being able to become part of a family. I'd just advise to go slowly. People who have had a rough start in life can have a lot of problems to sort out. You need to keep a balance between helping her and not disrupting your younger children's lives too much.

glitter_fairy

CH27 wrote: »

What does your husband want to do?

Get to know her, help her, he feels terrible that he didnt know about her, and wasnt there for her.

glitter_fairy

amyloofoo wrote: »

It must be a confusing and difficult time for your family, but congratulations on wanting to do what's best for this young lady and making the HUGE step of going on holiday as a family I'm guessing that their age is going to have a big impact on how well they take this news and how they cope with change. It's sad that this girl seems to have had a tough time of it, so please bear this in mind if she doesn't always behave in the way you'd expect - she needs time to adapt as well as your other children.

I've not been in this situation, but I guess I'm kinda in the position of the long-lost daughter... my biological father killed himself when I was three, and afterwards his family wanted nothing to do with me. When I was in my teens I found out he has another daughter who's a year younger than me and have been trying to trace her. This girl was accepted as his 'real' daughter by the family as her Mum was married to my biological father, whereas my Mum was 'just his ex-GF'.

In terms of answering questions to your kids, honesty is probably the best policy - and perhaps could serve as an illustration about what can happen if you're not careful (although again this probably depends on how worldly wise they are for their ages) I hope this situation resolves happily for you (and your now larger) family OP. Out of interest, how did your OH find out? Did she find him when she turned 18?

She is so excited about the holiday, she has never been on one before.

They are not very worldy wise and were under the impression their dad had only had sex with me,

glitter_fairy

Seanymph wrote: »

I worked in residential care for several years - and with teenagers who had 'been through the system' at that point.

This girl may not want to be 'included in your family' - and it will certainly be a double edged sword for her.

She is also your HUSBAND'S daughter, and that is the primary relationship, not that of you, or indeed your children.

If I was working/had been working with her, and was helping you to manage her integration into your family unit, for it to have the maximum chance of success I would recommend to you all that she build a relationship with her father.

That will be where HER interest is, and she will need that to be primary.

You are forcing her to accept a 'unit' in order to get to know her parent.

Whilst you are a unit, that may serve to reinforce your primary claim. And will make her feel overwhelmed and an outsider in the long term.

She will in time obviously want to get to know you all, may want to integrate herself, and may well become 'part of the family'.

But she isn't looking for a 'family' - she's looking for a parent.

You would do better for her and her father to have a holiday - or a weekend away - than offering her to try and mould into a unit that is already in existence.

I don't envy your position - step parenting is the hardest thing - (I am one) - and learning to step back and allow the child to have an unfettered relationship with their parent without expecting everyone to consider your feelings and input and position within the family is the hardest thing in the world.

But, you will protect your children from potential disruption. Give your husband the chance to meet with her, and spend time, and get to know her - so if that goes wrong there is less impact on your family unit. You will not invest yourself and your kids in her - which, if she displays difficulties (I think she will at some point) you won't be building that resentment..... which means when she is slightly older the damage will be less and you can all 'start again'.

This girl isn't going to go away. She will now always be there, and you will always know about her - you all will.

Your husband stands more chance of being torn in two - possibly seeing her behind your back, supporting her financially rather than emotionally at your expense - if you try to 'overheat' it to begin with, and force yourself into the situation.

Stand back, don't push hard, allow her to set the pace, and don't force her to accept you all as a 'family' - allow her to build a relationship with her father at a safe distance and see how she handles it.

That would be my advice.

Thank you that was really interesting reading.

The holiday was my husbands idea and his daughter was so excited about it, I wouldnt want to change the plans now.

Lunar_Eclipse

glitter_fairy wrote: »

Get to know her, help her, he feels terrible that he didnt know about her, and wasnt there for her.

I imagine they are normal feelings, from a loving parent. I'm pleased he feels that way. I suppose one has to be respectful of the child's wishes though too, since she might have 'issues' related to her absent (biological) father and find it hard to accept him.

Slowly, slowly.