Found out I have a step daughter!!

glitter_fairy

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I imagine they are normal feelings, from a loving parent. I'm pleased he feels that way. I suppose one has to be respectful of the child's wishes though too, since she might have 'issues' related to her absent (biological) father and find it hard to accept him.

Slowly, slowly.

She didnt know he was absent, she thought someone else was her dad. it wasnt until she found her birth cert with no name for the dad it all came out.

She was very angry at her mum to start with but they are talking again now. She seems to have adopted me as her agony aunt, I used to work with teens in difficult situations so have some experience.

tyllwyd

You haven't said where the holiday is, and what sort of accommodation it will be. If it all goes pear-shaped, will it be easy for her / the rest of the family to go home again? How long will you be away? I think you have to be realistic that this is a girl you hardly know, so the romantic idea that you will all be able to have a lovely time might go wrong. What will you do if she sneaks out and doesn't come back for hours, or you wake up to find she's invited some random guy to stay the night, or the living room full of empty bottles and cigarette butts? - I'm not saying that would happen, but you have to have a think about how you are going to cope if things don't go well. To be honest, I think a day trip or a couple of nights away might be a bit more realistic at the moment. (Edited to say - I've just seen that you do have experience of troubled teens, so I expect you will already have thought of all of that!)

glitter_fairy

tyllwyd wrote: »

You haven't said where the holiday is, and what sort of accommodation it will be. If it all goes pear-shaped, will it be easy for her / the rest of the family to go home again? How long will you be away? I think you have to be realistic that this is a girl you hardly know, so the romantic idea that you will all be able to have a lovely time might go wrong. What will you do if she sneaks out and doesn't come back for hours, or you wake up to find she's invited some random guy to stay the night, or the living room full of empty bottles and cigarette butts? - I'm not saying that would happen, but you have to have a think about how you are going to cope if things don't go well. To be honest, I think a day trip or a couple of nights away might be a bit more realistic at the moment.

its in the UK, its a hotel, she has her own room, we have one with the children and its for a long weekend x

Errata

Good luck and best wishes. Please remember, I'm sure you will, feelings for others don't automatically happen when they discover they're related.
I hope you all enjoy each others company because you're all nice people, not because you feel you 'have' to.

tyllwyd

glitter_fairy wrote: »

its in the UK, its a hotel, she has her own room, we have one with the children and its for a long weekend x

Oh, I was imagining two weeks in Spain or something! That all sounds good, at least you will all have your own space and she can be independent.

glitter_fairy

tyllwyd wrote: »

Oh, I was imagining two weeks in Spain or something! That all sounds good, at least you will all have your own space and she can be independent.

Thought best to start small. I have told her if he wants to bring a friend she can but she doesnt want to.

getmore4less

Check/update your wills.

Remember you are bringing a young adult into your lifes.

glitter_fairy

getmore4less wrote: »

Check/update your wills.

Remember you are bringing a young adult into your lifes.

I hadnt even thought of our wills.

I guess its over things like this it can start getting difficult.

Person_one

Seanymph wrote: »

This girl may not want to be 'included in your family' - and it will certainly be a double edged sword for her.

She is also your HUSBAND'S daughter, and that is the primary relationship, not that of you, or indeed your children.

The children are her siblings, sharing a big chunk of her DNA, they may look alike, have similar mannerisms etc.

That's a huge connection, I'd be very surprised if she wasn't drawn to them as well.

OP, I think you're handling this really well, from my experience of young people who've had very disrupted and chaotic family lives, they often seek out a 'normal' family that seems secure and loving to align themselves to, whether that's a close friends family or a partner's family, or a section of the extended family.

HeadAboveWater

Just came across this thread. Big surprise for everyone I'm sure! I don't have any additional advice to offer as everyone else has got there before me, and you seem to have things under control

My OH has 3 teenage daughters and he has full custody. I'm not their step mum officially but I know it can be very difficult sometimes. Will be thinking about you all

If you don't mind, I'd like to follow this thread and see how the holiday goes