How much lodge should I ask my son for

beater

My dad always told me from a young age that once I started earning money he would always take a third of it for keep, and that was the way it was.

I accepted it and got used to it and it helped me to understand that I wouldn't have that money when I eventually left and got a place of my own.

When I'd been working for a couple of years and realised that I was actually paying more than the mortgage on the house I knew it was time to leave! :rotfl:

bargainbetty

From the first pay packet I received after leaving school, my mum had me set up a direct debit for 30 percent of my salary. Above a quarter, below a third. The sum would change as my salary went up, and my mother quite rightly pointed out that it would be the last time I would ever have more than two thirds of it to live on.

Perhaps you could look at it in percentage terms, rather than a fixed sum. To be reviewed yearly? Decide formally what will be included in the deal (toiletries, meals in house) and what won't (extras for meals out, treats etc).

Also, while you are at home, he is a grown man. He can damn well learn how to change his own bed, even if you do the actual washing. You do him no favours by letting him think a woman will do it for him. I'd kick the backside of any man over the age of 8 who pulled that line on me, inlcuding my brother and godson.

With regard to his g/f staying over, perhaps you need to have a separate chat about it, with a defined agreement about her staying over, number of nights, food she consumes, laundry generated etc. He needs to understand that not only is he not your little boy anymore, she isn't your daughter and doesn't have the right to assume lodgings at your home.

I wish you luck x

tweetypie212003

Stop worrying that you are being a bad mum by wanting to put his money up, he has to pay to live outside in the real world, so therefore he should be paying a fair amount to live at home.

If it was me, I would charge £85.00 normally per week and an extra £15.00 per week if the girlfriend is coming over.

On top of that my 14 & 16 year olds are expected to clean up after themselves and keep the rooms tidy and change their own bedding etc. So, he should be doing all this for himself and teach him how to use the washing machine.

I have to be honest that I personally think that a bad parent is the kind of parent who does everything for their kids and never expects them to do a thing for themselves. A good parent makes them do these things for themselves because its our job to teach them to live and take care of themselves. Show them everything, therefore giving them the tools to do these things for themselves, because you won't always be around to do it for him.

He won't start saving for a few years yet, at this age all they want to do is go out and party and have their girl-friends round and have no responsibilities. He is taking the p*** and you are letting him do it. You seem to have done your job, now its his turn to look after himself.

Go for it girl, and be strong.........

kingfisherblue

Some good advice, so I won't repeat it. You already know you are not charging enough.

My daughter is 21 and earns about £900 net pay. She pays £40 per week board, so £160 a month, plus an extra £40 every third month because there are a few days over four weeks in most months. She also pays for her car loan, car insurance, union fees, mobile, petrol, clothes, make up, etc. She is saving up as well - she gives the money to me so that she doesn't have easy access to it.

Although she doesn't pay a vast amount of board, generally she is ok with money. She also has to help around the house, including cooking, cleaning, putting the washer and dryer on, changing her own bed and helping me with the others, etc. She buys her own diet Coke as nobody else drinks it, and often picks up bits of shopping for me as well. She helps to look after her brothers, including dropping them at Deaf Club or collecting them if I need her to.

My daughter is part of the family. She contributes to the dirty dishes and clothes, so she is expected help with cleaning them. She eats the food, so is expected to help with cooking. I am not her maid, not would she expect me to be.

My two sons also help out. My older son is 14 and has Downs Syndrome with a long list of medical conditions. He can fill and turn on the washing machine though. He can change bedding with some help. He empties the dishwasher, although he refuses to touch the knives and someone else puts those away. He can sweep the floor, dust the units, and clean the bathroom basin. So can my 13 year old.

My older son can make sandwiches with help. My younger son can cook a full English breakfast, scramble eggs, make shepherds pie from scratch, peel veg, and obviously make convenience meals. He puts out the bins and recycling and brings in the empty bins afterwards. He also does simple Jobs around the house, such as changing lightbulbs, painting the bathroom, and mending the kitchen drawer.

They don't do these things all the time. I do most of the housework, but either my daughter or younger son does most of the cooking. We are a family and help each other out. I don't work, but I do get extremely tired because I am up several times a night with my disabled son. A couple of times over the Christmas holidays, my younger son has sent me upstairs for a doze whilst he has watched a DVD with my older son - my daughter has been at work and my younger son has realised that I am shattered.

My family isn't perfect, but the kids can and do help around the house. My daughter pays a what I consider to be a fair amount for board, considering the cost of her living here, and bearing in mind that she still contributes tot he household in practical wats such as cooking. I have a freezer drawer full of homemade soups and meals because of my daughter's cooking.

OP, I hope you sort things out to your satisfaction. You know where you have gone wrong, now it's time to put it right.

Good luck x

Clandestine1

skintchick wrote: »

And yet you don't ask the same of your son?

Perhaps you should just apply this to your son and then you won't feel bad about asking him to pay his way and do jobs in the house.

This kind of sexist double standard does annoy me.

There is no sexist double standard, when the son was in full time education we didn`t expect anything from him and he does help around the house now, albeit more DIY than housework. I have never differentiated between my children on basis of their sex, if the daughter wants to cut the grass and the son wants to cook that`s fine, just as long as they both do something.

Clandestine1

Can I just add, that the son cleans his own room, strips his bedclothes off, puts the sheets and pillowcases on, I just do the duvet, but that`s going to stop soon. I do his washing as I do it with the rest of the family washing as it helps with energy costs if full loads are done rather than half loads, e.g, full load of whites, coloureds, woolies etc, rather than son do half loads of everything, daughter do half loads and then I do half loads for me and hubby. I am at home most of the time, so it`s easier on the cost of electricity etc, for me to do three full loads of washing, rather than make everyone do their own washing and end up with the washing machine whirring away all day long, doing half loads and doubling energy bills, just for the sake of making the kids fend for themselves. If that makes sense ?

KxMx

Clandestine1 wrote: »

Can I just add, that the son cleans his own room, strips his bedclothes off, puts the sheets and pillowcases on, I just do the duvet, but that`s going to stop soon. I do his washing as I do it with the rest of the family washing as it helps with energy costs if full loads are done rather than half loads, e.g, full load of whites, coloureds, woolies etc, rather than son do half loads of everything, daughter do half loads and then I do half loads for me and hubby. I am at home most of the time, so it`s easier on the cost of electricity etc, for me to do three full loads of washing, rather than make everyone do their own washing and end up with the washing machine whirring away all day long, doing half loads and doubling energy bills, just for the sake of making the kids fend for themselves. If that makes sense ?

That does make sense and I do see where you are coming from.

But Mum &I manage to do our own separate washing, and if there is anything urgent, or we need a load making up, we just ask the other.

She works full time and I am home alot so I steer clear of the machine at weekends because she had priority then. If I need anything done urgently i'll ask if she can fit it in with hers.

I am the one home most of the time and she does not expect me to do it all by default.

It's not that hard to do full loads, when your son perhaps changes his bed he can plan so that sheets getting changed and needing clothes done meet in the middle and get washed together = full load. Or he needs clothes washed but not many so he asks the rest of the household if they can help him make up a load.

Panda78

I agree with the £300 mark as a guideline. I would have said that even before reading all the posts. If you don't actually need that much but want to teach him the importance of "paying his way" and knowing how much more expensive it is once you leave home, then you could always put some of the £300 in a savings account for him and give it back to him when he leaves home. You don't need to tell him this now, but i'm sure he will appreciate it in future.

Skinto_7

If i were you OP, i would speak to him, tell him its costing you a fortune to keep him and his GF, and you will need to review his rent.

On this basis that at 19 he is unlikley to have many major outgoings, he can probably afford to pay whatever you want to take off him.

I would charge him £375 per month, i would then work out what he actually costs you on th QT, and i would put the difference into a high interest savings account without his knowledge.

On the basis that he probably costs you no more than £250pm this would mean you could save £125pm which would mean you were saving £1500 per year towards a deposit for him.

By doing it this way, you are teaching him some good life lessons, covering your costs, and also building a bit of savings up for him to help eventually leave home. By keeping the savings quiet, you will also be encouraging him to do his own saving (as this will be the only way he can afford to move in his mind) wheras if you tell him thats what you are doing, he will continue to blow his cash on birds, booze and fags!!

Mojisola

Clandestine1 wrote: »

Can I just add, that the son cleans his own room, strips his bedclothes off, puts the sheets and pillowcases on, I just do the duvet, but that`s going to stop soon.

I do his washing as I do it with the rest of the family washing as it helps with energy costs if full loads are done rather than half loads, e.g, full load of whites, coloureds, woolies etc, rather than son do half loads of everything, daughter do half loads and then I do half loads for me and hubby.

If he's managed to learn enough to get through an apprenticeship, I'm sure he could learn to replace a duvet cover!

When someone in our house needs washing done, they ask who else has stuff to wash - they don't do half loads.