How much lodge should I ask my son for

Clandestine1

I think I may also do a search for rental properties, flats, house shares etc and give him an idea of cost. That might also help with my cause lol

Mojisola

Clandestine1 wrote: »

I am not being mean, it`s just I think he needs to get his priorities right and realise that he IS putting on us.

You've obviously hit the wall and are upset about things at the moment. Try to be cool and rational when you have "the talk" with him.

If you start to get emotional and accusing, it will probably degenerate into a row.

It's got to be a calm "we're all adults here" meeting otherwise you'll be giving him the chance to play the overgrown teenager and go off in a strop.

Joons

Clandestine1 wrote: »

I think I may also do a search for rental properties, flats, house shares etc and give him an idea of cost. That might also help with my cause lol

Why though? If you write down what the bills are then he can see what his share is, let him go and do research on renting, why are you doing it, he'll have a pretty good idea he's onto a good thing I'm sure lol.

You don't need help with your cause, £140 a month is a paltry figure.

Joons

Clandestine1 wrote: »

I don`t want to ask for more than it actually costs him to stay here, I would even take a little less and I am taking a LOT less at the moment, but it is making me mad when we have to think hard before we have a night out, when the son is out so often and paying to take his g/f out all the time as well. I would say he spends more taking her out one night than he gives me lodge for two weeks. I am not being mean, it`s just I think he needs to get his priorities right and realise that he IS putting on us.
Once the g/f goes home, she`s probably here until late Sunday evening again now, I am going to sit him down with household bills and tell him he has to pay 1/4 of them (we will pay 2/3 as we have the daughter) and each time the g/f stays I expect to be ASKED in advance and a top up of his lodge to compensate for the extra washing etc she causes.
If the son wants to move out and in with the g/f, he can, although he will be supporting her permanently as she doesn`t work and he definitely won`t be going out as much, as she doesn`t think he should go anywhere without her, so that will be his weekends away and holidays with the lads gone. I really don`t think he does want to live with her, but if he doesn`t pay a realistic lodge, that`s going to be his way out.

You don't have to ask for any more than what he's costing you, I guarantee it's a lot more than £140 a month! Doesn't sound to me like either him or his g/f is anywhere near living independently and yes you are right about her staying over, she's eating your food and using your utilities, I would be completely skint if I was doing what you are doing. He's 19 now and earns £1500 a month, c'mon you don't have to do much maths to work out what he's left with once you take the £140, no wonder he can run a motorbike. Get it sorted now, I'm sure he'll understand, you are not trying to make money out your son, you're simply asking him to pay his way. With the changing bed, packed lunches etc, I really think you need to let your son do this himself, you're stopping him from becoming independent by doing al these extras, yes I know you want to, I've done it myself too but it just means when they do leave they're clueless cos mummy did it all.

Lunar_Eclipse

I think there are several issues wrapped up in your post. (The fact he chooses to fritter away more than a week's board when going out for one night has nothing to do with it.)

1) In terms of how much he pays, I'd sit down with your son and discuss it. Since he is in a well paid job, it would be reasonable for his contribution to cover his costs. I would also ensure he understood that he is living with you to help him save for his future. If he doesn't take the opportunity to do that (say £500+/month) then I would be inclined to reconsider the living arrangements.

2) His girlfriend staying over. Decide and discuss what, if anything, you feel is reasonable and that you would like her costs covered since he is in a position to do that.

3) Consider him doing his own laundry, packed lunches etc. based on what you think is reasonable.

skintchick

Clandestine1 wrote: »

I also forgot to say we have a 17 year old daughter who is still in full time education, so we have her to support. The daughter has a little job, which pays for her mobile phone, make up, leisure activities etc, which saves us giving her pocket money. We take no lodge from her as I get Child Benefit, which pays for her travel to college, lunches etc. Once the daughter stops education, she will be expected to contribute to household expenses or work to pay for her stay.

And yet you don't ask the same of your son?

Perhaps you should just apply this to your son and then you won't feel bad about asking him to pay his way and do jobs in the house.

This kind of sexist double standard does annoy me.

KxMx

skintchick wrote: »

And yet you don't ask the same of your son?

Perhaps you should just apply this to your son and then you won't feel bad about asking him to pay his way and do jobs in the house.

This kind of sexist double standard does annoy me.

The OP already charges rent to son and is asking how much more is reasonable.

Judith_W

On another note from the money, I would suggest making him more aware of the cost of things on a regular basis. And if he wants packed lunches, feel free to continue to pick up the bits when you do the shop, but then charge him for the additional food he and his girlfriend eats.

If you are happy with his g/f staying as much as she is if you are paid more, then fine, but make sure if for your own space you only want her staying over a fixed amount of time, make sure that is clear.

I really recommend charging more than £300 - £500 at 1/3 of take home is approaching real life, he'll still have a shock when he moves out, but take the remainder for a deposit when you can't bare having him around any more. Don't tell him you've put the money away and if he starts breaking the rules/not paying you, you can use it.

skintchick

If you had a lodger you could charge £250 tax free a month, plus they would pay for their own toiletries, washing, food, etc. AND do the cleaning of their own room and clothes and often also pay half the bills as well.

So you could easily ask for £400 a month to cover £250 rent plus £150 food, bills, and other sundries. Or he could pay the rent part and pay for everything else himself.

irishjohn

What we don't know at the moment is how the £140 payment was negotiated - but we all seem to agree its not enough. The lad is definitely taking the home comforts and parental care for granted, and maybe that's because it has all been handed to him on a plate so far. He does some odd jobs and two jobs so he isn't inherently lazy. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and I think if the family have a new year new budget discussion - it gives Mum and Dad the opportunity to teach him some necessary life skills. Mum's only mistake is not to have forward planned for this but to have been a generous and loving Mum until the cracking point came and she is feeling very hard done by!

Get that meeting scheduled for Monday - over the evening meal - and good luck with it.