Someone please tell me the best way to deal with teenagers!?

DigForVictory

Teenage times are dashed tricky on Both Parent & Teen.

However, let's be clear - I'm a parent too! (I was a teen. I grew out of it. As blighter #1 ripostes, "Sideways".)

See your GP. Now. So they have a baseline for blood pressure Before Teens. (-ish!)

I'd suggest things like clear ground rules with equally clear sanctions.

Require school attendance, reasonable hygeine, a negotiated bedtime (*far* earlier than any teen will think reasonable, but schoolnights are different) & chores in exchange for computer time, and money. Be Very Clear. If he complains, point out that if he thinks you're mean, just wait til he has a real landlord... Do police computer time - homework needs to be done, and sleep needs to happen, so establish an enforcer reputation. (Learn which fuse sorts which sockets...)

The hygeine penny drops eventually, but I regard Lynx as a 'gateway drug' to real, tolerable aftershaves etc. (You may coax husband into shaving with an "old fashioned" (Not CutThroat!) razor, as part of coaxing young 'un. Very moneysaving & they learn to smell a lot better too. Trumper is a shrewd investment...)

Just do not enter the bedroom. Unless invited, or a medical emergency. Although if you suspect vermin, say so & negotiate a day for pest control to come & tell you all what you have already guessed - the room needs clearing & cleaning. (Noro means all bets are off & even your worst teen will revert to sick-five-year-old. Apart from the rowdy vomiting, it's rather sweet. Just temporary.)

Restrict him to only part of the bathroom for storage. Remind him other people need to use it too.

Hide (most of) the booze. Even if it means you have to get into bed gently. I've seen grown men cry when they realise an ignorant teen has mixed their cherished malt with something fizzy & just swilled it. Whereas had said child asked, father & child could have sat & sipped together in amity. Well, that was the lost dream, as tears were mopped. Share the rest with food & reason...

Money talks. Grounding is cheap, but grounding without mains risks homework. Docking the allowance gets noticed. (*Wear* your purse. Change your PIN. That is a teen there, not a saint.)

If you are of the chatty disposition, you can keep commuinications (one way) wide open. Any comms is worth it. Even if it's by text when they're slumped next door. Just point out that you prefer face to face as it's cheaper....

Stomp on bad language hard. Swear box or whatever works, (please let me know) but it is one area that really bites me. I may have to learn to not-hear some things in exchange for moderate sanity.

When my first son was a baby, I read a book called Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young. American, on surviving teens. Hilarious & surprisingly helpful for coping with the under 6 months old. I need to get it back out of the library for another go & check out the anatomy/physiology/biology of what they're brewing in there.

I've one at 14 & two little brothers. I'll be snow blonde by the time the youngest is done. Ah well. Saves me trying to colour it.

Hang onto the ideal that some day they will turn into a grown up. Til then, We need to survive. The most damaged folk I've ever met were folk who lost parents as teens.

FBaby

My just about to turn 14yo is a delight in terms of easiness to raise, always have been. She does what she is supposed to, she is reliable, work hard, doesn't reply, doesn't burst into tears, doesn't hate the world or anything like it. She is still a pain at time, but she is naturally a very mood levelled child.

Her brother is another matter. He has suffered from teenager moods since he was born He will turn 11 next month. He is the most lovely child, very well behaved at school, with friends etc... a little angel, but with me.... I get the best and the worse of him. He gets grumpy, moody, unpleasant, mumbling mode and then annoyed when I say I don't understand him. He doesn't like being told what to do, throw back the 'why do I have to', 'it's not fair', 'yes later', and the unstoppable 'why's. He can talk to me in a way that is just not acceptable.

What I can say though is it gets better and better each year in that he is becoming more aware of his own mood. He accepts that he does need a good amount of sleep as he gets worse when he is tired. He accepts that he gets angry easily and needs to control it which he does better if I remind him calmly that he is getting wound up. From my perspective, the best way to deal with him is to speak nicely and then raise my voice when nice requests are ignored, but without getting to the fed up voice tone which he responds very badly too.

I laughted the other day when he went home with his best friend and the best friend teenage brother picked them up (he is 17). My son told me he was surprised at how pleasant he was, asking questions, laughing with them rather than being a quiet moody, annoyed with having to pick them up and that he helped with clearing up the table without being asked and stayed downstairs with them rather than going into his room. He the declared that when he was a teenager, he wanted to be just like that. Ha ha, so do I!

DigForVictory

The natter in the office brings me back with a different thought - were teenagers this bad when folks used outdoor loos, and (ahem) "double holers"? Can we (by any chance) have brought some of this on ourselves with education & all the 'understanding of the changes': previously as soon as you were old enough to work, you worked.

Perhaps not helpful when facing an infuriating young person, but they couldn't have been as quick with the backchat to their employer...

heartbreak_star

My mum tells me now she had it easy when I was younger - I never rebelled (that took effort) and realised the value of bargaining very quickly..."Mum, can I go to Jane's?" "No because you haven't done your homework." Next night I would produce finished homework and ask again.

Or I'd come in early and do extra chores every night so I could stay out late on a Friday or Saturday.

I always let Mum know where I was, she never had to ask.

It worked. I think I got grounded once, for 2 days, when I was 15 minutes late.

I did talk to my parents about my teens when I got to Uni, and they both said I had them in a bit of a bind...I was very sensible about TV and gaming, but the worst thing they could have ever done was taken my books away, and that apparently is "shooting yourself in the foot" !

HBS x

System

I guess i just needed to vent, and get any ideas that parents of teens have used/use?

You need to be as loud and as mouthy as they are in your response to them.


Have you ever tried lugging an 18 year old out of bed to go to college when he is taller than you are because he'd been out on the lash the night before? I have, and I won!:D No mean feat in itself as he was on the top bunk and I'm not very tall!


I think its knowing when your in the right and sticking to your guns.


Not that I'm an expert on bringing up kids mind.:o

WantToBeSE

Well my son has lived to see another day (it was doubtful if he would!).

I am loving the advice given here, thanks so much everyone, it's so nice to hear that others go through it too. It is also great to hear the advice you are giving me.

I am really not the kind of parent i thought i would be.

carly

I am really not the kind of parent i thought i would be.[/QUOTE]



I doubt many of us are, I know I'm not! despite everything I said when my kids were born

Sally22_2

When I have kids, if they are anything like I was as a teen then I'm in for a rough ride!!

geoffky

Has anyone learned what the grunt language means yet?
I have a 15yrs old i have renamed chucky...

Alpha58

Oh my, this thread rings so many bells. Two teenagers (13 and 14) and although DS is not too bad, DD is a living nightmare - rude, lazy, dirty...along with everything else that has been described above.

In my very humble opinion, one of the major culprits - as well as a major source of peer pressure for teenagers - is Facebook. The moment DD turned 13 - literally - she had an account and was adding "friends" like there was no tomorrow, most of which she has never actually met. She allowed me to go through her friend list a while ago and together we deleted those whom she didn't actually know - about 75%(!) but they have gradually come back. There is enormous pressure to conform and to be seen as "popular" but quite frankly, it terrifies me that she is sharing personal information with strangers on the basis of a picture - and they could be literally anyone. Terrifying.

It's also a concern that after all the time and effort of getting her into a good school and moving to a nice area, she seems hell-bent on chasing after oiks from rather less pleasant areas who seem to delight in posting extremely questionable comments, photos and status updates.

That said, the conclusion is that trying to prevent it would be counter-productive, so we just need to let her work through it and hopefully come out of the other side - while monitoring from a distance.

Away from the computer - filthy bedroom, personal hygiene that would shame the third world, refusal to do anything around the home other than take "selfies" to post on Facebook, and attitude attitude attitude...yeuch!

I tell myself - and OH - that it is a natural phase and that it will pass but in the meantime, our teenagers are disgusting for the most part - and doesn't that just leave me feeling like a sh!tty parent...