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Someone please tell me the best way to deal with teenagers!?
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WantToBeSE
Posts: 7,729 Forumite


I have a son who will be 13 in a few days. Over the course of the last 12 months, hormones have hit and he has become increaingly disrespectful,moody,angry and generally not nice to be around.
Sometimes, we get on well and have fun together and he is a joy to spend time with, but when he feels like i am trying to 'control him' (these are HIS words, not mine-i am actually trying to just get him off his a$$ and clean his room/help tidy up etc) he flies into a proper strop, accusing me of being an awful parent who never listens to him, who is lazy, who needs to be like everyone elses parents (i.e. gives hime everything he wants and never asks him to do anything)
I have banned his Christmas present (xbox) and have told hm that if he behaves like this before his birthday (Friday), we will cancel the birthday meal out that was planned, and he wont be getting the present he wanted (a TV for his room).
I just feel totally disrespected and i dont know if this is usual teen behaviour, and if it is, what i can do to make the house more peaceful.
I guess i just needed to vent, and get any ideas that parents of teens have used/use?
Sometimes, we get on well and have fun together and he is a joy to spend time with, but when he feels like i am trying to 'control him' (these are HIS words, not mine-i am actually trying to just get him off his a$$ and clean his room/help tidy up etc) he flies into a proper strop, accusing me of being an awful parent who never listens to him, who is lazy, who needs to be like everyone elses parents (i.e. gives hime everything he wants and never asks him to do anything)

I have banned his Christmas present (xbox) and have told hm that if he behaves like this before his birthday (Friday), we will cancel the birthday meal out that was planned, and he wont be getting the present he wanted (a TV for his room).
I just feel totally disrespected and i dont know if this is usual teen behaviour, and if it is, what i can do to make the house more peaceful.
I guess i just needed to vent, and get any ideas that parents of teens have used/use?
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You'll be looking at 3/4 years of this I'm afraid , at least its been that way in our family, and although everything was tried , grounding , banning them from gadgets/games, pleading, etc etc etc, in the end nothing worked and it just had to be got through with the least pain possible... good luck#6 of the SKI-ers Club :j
"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke0 -
Hang tough.
Pick your fights - make his room his room, you are not responsible for it - but don't let him take food or drink in there.
Set your boundaries, and think about them - does he bring his clothes down to the washing machine? Does he strip his bed? Does he have his towels in a certain colour?
Set your rules so it makes your life bearable. Decide what you will and will not tolerate. Then stick to it.
I found an allowance helped, I worked out what I would pay for and what I wouldn't and he had to budget (or not).
I didn't go into his room - his room, his squalor - once he found girls liked boys better who didn't smell bad he started washing things more frequently
Nag over tooth brushing (it's important) don't nag about a design on a t shirt - when he's 20 that won't have affected his development and future life.
Make curfews count. Know that all parties he is invited to will involve alcohol, and make sure you pick him up and know where he is. Only buy cheap phones, he'll lose them, or drop them in water. You'll mind less if it wasn't expensive (see allowance above).
Make him get up every day at a time you can stand (my latest ever is 11am, this morning I dragged all of mine out at 9am).
Spend time with him - doing things you know he'll like. Keep teasing him, it'll drive him nuts - get to know his friends.
He will shrug you off, ignore you, be rude, drive you mad........ but if you hang in there, keep hugging him regardless, tease him, sit next to him, try and understand the x box game, say 'am I annoying' whilst leaning over his shoulder when he's on his computer - eventually he'll start talking again.
My Step son is 16, and has just started speaking again. It's a joy. I even got an unsolicited hug the other day.
We have been through some head-against-the-wall-banging times, so I have no solutions, but as I type he is in the kitchen he cleaned, cooking our dinner. It passes. (or he wants something)
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Hang tough.
Pick your fights - make his room his room, you are not responsible for it - but don't let him take food or drink in there.
Set your boundaries, and think about them - does he bring his clothes down to the washing machine? Does he strip his bed? Does he have his towels in a certain colour?
Set your rules so it makes your life bearable. Decide what you will and will not tolerate. Then stick to it.
I found an allowance helped, I worked out what I would pay for and what I wouldn't and he had to budget (or not).
I didn't go into his room - his room, his squalor - once he found girls liked boys better who didn't smell bad he started washing things more frequently
Nag over tooth brushing (it's important) don't nag about a design on a t shirt - when he's 20 that won't have affected his development and future life.
Make curfews count. Know that all parties he is invited to will involve alcohol, and make sure you pick him up and know where he is. Only buy cheap phones, he'll lose them, or drop them in water. You'll mind less if it wasn't expensive (see allowance above).
Make him get up every day at a time you can stand (my latest ever is 11am, this morning I dragged all of mine out at 9am).
Spend time with him - doing things you know he'll like. Keep teasing him, it'll drive him nuts - get to know his friends.
He will shrug you off, ignore you, be rude, drive you mad........ but if you hang in there, keep hugging him regardless, tease him, sit next to him, try and understand the x box game, say 'am I annoying' whilst leaning over his shoulder when he's on his computer - eventually he'll start talking again.
My Step son is 16, and has just started speaking again. It's a joy. I even got an unsolicited hug the other day.
We have been through some head-against-the-wall-banging times, so I have no solutions, but as I type he is in the kitchen he cleaned, cooking our dinner. It passes.
That just about sums it up perfectly. I am so glad my four are all past 20 now.Sell £1500
2831.00/£15000 -
Mine is 13 in 3 weeks time. I am going to memorise Seanymph's post by heart I think to get me through the tougher times. Thanks Seanymph. Great advice. I just hope I have the patience to carry it out.0
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My eldest is only 8 and I'm going to memorise Seanymph's post too! I love the idea of loitering over their shoulder asking "am I being annoying?"!!
And I suspect that if you do get to know their friends you'll become the 'cool' mum that all the rest of them wish their own mother would be like...They call me Dr Worm... I'm interested in things; I'm not a real doctor but I am a real worm.0 -
*Thankyou so much........ I have to confess that in my striving to 'hang out' with him I sat through both American Pie and American Pie 2 with him over Christmas......
his big sister walked in and said 'what are you DOING watching this with your parent!' and walked off.
They were awful.
So if your teenage son recommends watching either of those with you as a bonding experience I'd pick something else.0 -
Knowing how I was, mine will be drugged the minute there's even a whiff of a hormone near them.0
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Hang tough.
Pick your fights - make his room his room, you are not responsible for it - but don't let him take food or drink in there.
Set your boundaries, and think about them - does he bring his clothes down to the washing machine? Does he strip his bed? Does he have his towels in a certain colour?
Set your rules so it makes your life bearable. Decide what you will and will not tolerate. Then stick to it.
I found an allowance helped, I worked out what I would pay for and what I wouldn't and he had to budget (or not).
I didn't go into his room - his room, his squalor - once he found girls liked boys better who didn't smell bad he started washing things more frequently
Nag over tooth brushing (it's important) don't nag about a design on a t shirt - when he's 20 that won't have affected his development and future life.
Make curfews count. Know that all parties he is invited to will involve alcohol, and make sure you pick him up and know where he is. Only buy cheap phones, he'll lose them, or drop them in water. You'll mind less if it wasn't expensive (see allowance above).
Make him get up every day at a time you can stand (my latest ever is 11am, this morning I dragged all of mine out at 9am).
Spend time with him - doing things you know he'll like. Keep teasing him, it'll drive him nuts - get to know his friends.
He will shrug you off, ignore you, be rude, drive you mad........ but if you hang in there, keep hugging him regardless, tease him, sit next to him, try and understand the x box game, say 'am I annoying' whilst leaning over his shoulder when he's on his computer - eventually he'll start talking again.
My Step son is 16, and has just started speaking again. It's a joy. I even got an unsolicited hug the other day.
We have been through some head-against-the-wall-banging times, so I have no solutions, but as I type he is in the kitchen he cleaned, cooking our dinner. It passes. (or he wants something)
Thanks so so much Seanymph, your post actually bought tears to my eyes.
Re the bits in bold-he doesnt do ANYTHING. He can barely wash himself, let alone bring washing downstairs. He seems to have developed an aversion to cleanliness (both his body and his room!) and refuses to wear deodorant yet.
Occasionally he shows an interest in cooking dinner, which i let him do, or he helps me cook it.
He hasnt yet been invited to any parties, and rarely goes out with friends (i am always trying to encourage this, but we live in a veryy rural area and the parents tend to drop off/pick up, but he hasnt had the opportunity for a while).
I am certain he isnt being bullied (have checked with teachers and also he has school friends on his xbox live thingy), but says he HATES school.
OK, i will take your advice in regards to his bedroom...i can let that one slide.
Are you able to elaborate on the allowance thing-what do you mean when you say that working out an allowance helped?
He seems to really hate people trying to 'control him' but i am only asking him to do/not do anything.0 -
Some good advise there from the other posters. My eldest DS is 14,nearly 15 and I feel your pain rofl.
My sister teaches this age group and she reckons the staff talk about "lazy boy" syndrome at this age.
When out with a bunch of mums from school recently we were chatting about this and from mums with older boys and others simular ages it seems boys have always been this way.
Has yours developed a "lynx" habit yet. Mine and his mates go through loads of the stuff, although he has started to be a bit less liberal with it and has started to pinch the odd squirt of his Dads "proper" aftershave.
You can always tell if the lads are meeting girls as they go from covered in scent to totally drenched lol.
I have found in the last few months though he swings from grumpy non comunicator to having quiet little discussions. I can remember thinking suddenly one time, wow its like having a conversation with another adult-as opposed to a child. It was a bit odd really, but nice. I just hope as he gets older we get less of the grumpy, lazy, cheeky git and more of the thoughtful adult(ish) young man.
Ali x"Overthinking every little thing
Acknowledge the bell you cant unring"0
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