Someone please tell me the best way to deal with teenagers!?

easy

kwmlondon wrote: »

I have no kids, nor will I ever have so I can only speak from the point of view of someone who has occasionally worked with teenagers and was once a teenage boy and doubtless caused much misery and despair!

All those points on page 1 are excellent. I'd just add one more - don't expect to be friends with your kid any more. When he was a child he looked up to you, wanted your approval and love and protection.

He's not a kid now, nor is he an adult. He NEEDS your support but resents it. He is desperate to be an adult but has none of the skills or experience to handle the responsibility and advantages being an adult brings.

If you can, make him feel like an adult as much as possible, but he won't understand enough about responsibilities and consequences to fulfil the role which will make you responsible for framing all this for him.

While he's learning the boundaries of how the world of adults works he can't vent on teachers, on the law, on shop-assistants or other teenagers - you are the only one who will love him unconditionally and will, in years to come, put his behaviour behind you and see him as an equal.

I'm actually a bit emotional when I try to write how much I love my mother and my father and how I felt when, I was an adult, my dad said to me "if you were not my son I'd still be proud to know you as a person."

If I can offer some tips:
1. Try to keep your cool at all times - show him how he should be behaving as an adult.
2. Try, where you can, to discuss options and what choices you have and explain why you've made the decisions you have.
3. If you can involve him in these discussions then do, but make it clear it's your responsibility so at the end of the day the final decision on matters is yours.
4. If a discussion is becoming and argument, stop it. Walk away. Discuss it another day. Don't tell him anything other than "we can't discuss this now, let's deal with it tomorrow," and come back to it with "now we're can talk more reasonably..."

Instead of mourning the loss of the child you brought into the world, look forward to getting to know the adult who will emerge, uncomfortably and difficultly from all the hormones, sexuality, shame, relationships, responsibility and all the other things that make being a teenager utter, utter hell!

This is a lovely post KWM, thank you. However, those very useful tips do betray the fact that you haven't lived with a teenage boy 24 - 7.

1. Try to keep your cool at all times - show him how he should be behaving as an adult. This is of course essential, and basic common sense. It is also the hardest thing in the world, when faced with an apoplectic teenager who is being 200% unreasonable

4. If a discussion is becoming and argument, stop it. Walk away. Discuss it another day. Don't tell him anything other than "we can't discuss this now, let's deal with it tomorrow," and come back to it with "now we're can talk more reasonably..." I try this, I really do. The problem I encounter is that DS doesn't allow me to "walk away". He follows me around the house, continuing to needle about whatever the current issue is. I have been known to go and lock myself in the car before now, just so he can't keep an argument going,
Mind you, DS has always done this. When I used to try to walk away from his toddler tantrums, he would follow me around the house, bringing his temper fit with him !

Please don't think I'm being negative, I very much appreciate your very thoughtful post.
I love DS very deeply, and I hope he knows it . I do worry that he won't look back on these years with a rosy glow, and especially that his relationship with DH will continue to be difficult, as they do struggle to get on together currently (better, mind you, if I'm not around).

Spendless

I read the opening post aloud to my husband tonight and he asked me if I'd started the thread.:D So def don't think you are alone in this! I did my best tonight and remained calm when DS told me he had a leaflet he'd been given today to give to me about some option choices they have for yr9 and going thru his bag he realised he'd lost it! I needed it for the meeting I attended tonight, fortunately the assist head, who must be far more used to teenagers than me, laughed and gave me another.

May also be pinching your idea of the swear boxes, as though I don't often used bad language, hubby isn't as self-controlled! Think it will appeal to DS's competitive nature

pulpfictionlover

red_devil wrote: »

the way kids speak to their parents. Its awful and disrespectful that he is swearing at you.

Welcome to the real world red devil as parents we have no rights things have changed in this generation,im greatfull my 18 yr old daughter was easier and respectful growing up,on the other hand my 13yr boy a different story thank god hes father and i get along.
I sent him to his fathers to live, as a teenage boy i believe boys should be with their dad,Since he has been with hes Dad he has changed abit , but i do have to say im glad im not dealing with hes attitude every day.

WantToBeSE

pulpfictionlover wrote: »

Welcome to the real world red devil as parents we have no rights things have changed in this generation,im greatfull my 18 yr old daughter was easier and respectful growing up,on the other hand my 13yr boy a different story thank god hes father and i get along.
I sent him to his fathers to live, as a teenage boy i believe boys should be with their dad,Since he has been with hes Dad he has changed abit , but i do have to say im glad im not dealing with hes attitude every day.

I don't agree that either of my children need to live with their dad.
Someone mentioned earlier about the parent being the person who provides unconditional love for the annoying and angry teen, and that's how it should be (and is) for me.
I definitely agree that they need a father figure, but certainly not going to live there.

Maybe I am being a bit too optimistic, but I am trying for us (my son and I) to ride this out together, and see it almost as a journey that we both take together ( with varying degrees of success as you can tell,lol).

emsywoo123

WantToBeSE wrote: »

We have agreed on £20 a month. I started with £10, he suggested £30. We both compromised.

He is designing us both as swear box and the deal is that we whoever has the least amount in their box at the end of the month (hense who swore less) gets to keep what is in both boxes!

May I ask-do you swear?

FatVonD

Your son sounds just like mine, OP, except I'm 2 or 3 years down the line. He can be the loveliest boy in the world or he can be an absolute nightmare.

I remember reading in a childcare book that the closer the child's attachment to their opposite-sex parent the worse they will be as they struggle to 'break' that attachment (which they need to do) in order to form healthy, adult relationships with members of the opposite sex (if they're that way inclined.) Apparently once they've found their own sexual identity they will come back to you and build a more adult relationship with you.

I cling to this thought as sometimes it's the only thing stopping me thumping him!

WantToBeSE

emsywoo123 wrote: »

May I ask-do you swear?

Yes I do. Obviously I never swear at either of my children, I tend to do it when I get stressed and it slips out. Oh, and definitely in the car whilst driving
That's why I think its something we can work on together.

WantToBeSE

FatVonD wrote: »

Your son sounds just like mine, OP, except I'm 2 or 3 years down the line. He can be the loveliest boy in the world or he can be an absolute nightmare.

I remember reading in a childcare book that the closer the child's attachment to their opposite-sex parent the worse they will be as they struggle to 'break' that attachment (which they need to do) in order to form healthy, adult relationships with members of the opposite sex (if they're that way inclined.) Apparently once they've found their own sexual identity they will come back to you and build a more adult relationship with you.

I cling to this thought as sometimes it's the only thing stopping me thumping him!

Haha, thanks for this I am glad to say that we have a very close bond...which means I will be in big trouble!

CATS

Hi OP,

I have a beautiful 13 year old son, ,who I am told will soon turn into a monster, however up to now he still behaves better than I did at his age. The only thing I am currently struggling with is he wants more freedom, and I am terrified of giving it to him but I am doing it for his sake. I don't know if the fact that I am a very young mum helps and therefore we can relate more but here are some of the things I do to try and keep our relationship stable. From when he was little I have made it very clear (right or wrong, I dont know but it works) that we are a family and therefore we help each other, if at any point someone, including him feels that they no longer want to be part of the family, i.e contribute by helping out, getting good grades and behaving then we can sort it so that social services will take care of him instead ( he doesn't know that this would not be easy by the way) that way he can have all the freedom in the world and do things as he pleases. He obviously does not want this so he behaves well. However I also have taken and sat through and N Dubz concert with him, screamed and danced alongside him. Taken 15 of his friends to throrpe park, and got on all the rides with them on a regular basis with him. Sit with him and stare at youtube whilst some wanna be rapper tries to rap and discuss the artistic value of the videos I stay out of his room. I watch his tv programmes with him although they drive me crazy. Discuss anything with him from gangs, rap music, drugs, alcohol and sex with him (this includes pubic hair, how to use a condom and the science of an erection) yes he talks to me about all of this topics, he brings it up not me! I spend one saturday per month on quality time with him, doing anything that he wants to do. I allow his friends at my house any weekend and they take over my living room, drink and eat all I have but I don't nag or fuzz because at least I know he is under my roof and I know he is safe, me and his dad take ourselves to our room and leave them to it. We have family meals every evening despite me and my husband working all day in demanding managerial jobs. I show him unconditional love, hug, kiss and cuddle everyday, me or husband play wrestle with him every sat morning, he comes into our room looking to play, then we lay down and talk about anything and everything. I never punish him when I am angry (never corporal punishment), I wait until I calm down, then punish him, I try not to shout when he gets angry about a punishment and will just respond to his protests by saying yes baby, no baby etc. I always apologize when I have made a mistake and will always stick up for him when I think someone has been unfair, this is specially at school with the teachers. It is not always perfect but I think he trusts me and his dad enough to know that we are on his side, that we love him and that we are there for him. That is all I can ask for at the moment. Saying that maybe when he turns 14 I will be screaming for help

red_devil

pulpfictionlover wrote: »

Welcome to the real world red devil as parents we have no rights things have changed in this generation,im greatfull my 18 yr old daughter was easier and respectful growing up,on the other hand my 13yr boy a different story thank god hes father and i get along.
I sent him to his fathers to live, as a teenage boy i believe boys should be with their dad,Since he has been with hes Dad he has changed abit , but i do have to say im glad im not dealing with hes attitude every day.

things havent changed for the better.

Ive just read a post somewhere where parents are scared to take their sons games console away because he gets so aggressive?