is this interfereing to much?

Kirri

Nicki wrote: »

I'd venture to suggest that a single 50 year old continuous sexual relationship would make them rather more experienced than someone with intermittent sexual relationships over the same period

I disagree - it all depends on the type of people involved, not how long you've been together. New people = new experiences. Different people like different things, you could be with one person for many years but they might not like certain things.. Pros and cons in both but I know I wouldn't have liked to have just had the 1.

Back to the original point though and I guess things have changed a lot since I was a teen from what I've read on here, it seems most parents feel they should be involved in teen sex lives now, wasn't the case when I was at school - I would be horrified if I'd had interference in mine like the suggestion they call the other parents :eek:

Mrs.W_2

coolcait wrote: »

I've picked out this part, as I think that people can often be blissfully unaware of the fact that their vehemently expressed views can be perceived as 'pressure' by others.

They can be equally unaware of the fact that their vehemence can be perceived as 'try[ing] to impose their views on others'.

Whichever side of the debate they're on (no matter what that debate might be about).

As an aside, I'm not completely convinced by the argument that 16 year olds will have sex anywhere and everywhere, if a parent doesn't allow it to happen 'under their roof'.

Of course that may be a reflection of my country's climatic conditions :eek:.

Once one of them has a access to a car, then the argument gets stronger....

As for the situation presented to us by the OP, I think that any parent can only give advice and guidance. Different parents will see that advice in different ways.

When two different parental viewpoints collide, the scope for carnage is huge.

Whether it's 'conservative' parents viewing 'liberal' parents as 'running a house of ill-repute'; or 'liberal' parents viewing 'conservative' parents as 'repressed and frigid'. [Choose your own terminology]

It really doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. There will be fallout.

If the OP thinks that this relationship will last, how does she prepare for that fallout, and deal with it when it arrives?

A wonderfully objective view, coolcait, but a parent involved in this issue might well suffer from splinters in the !!!!! should they sit on the fence so long.

I'm sure the OP is preparing herself for the fallout due to giving advice to two young people whose lives might well be irrevocably changed by the sex life they are enjoying right now. Such fallout is not a lasting thing. Tempers cool. Parents realise that advise given without their consent was sound advice all the same.

I myself would not be happy for one of my offspring to be having sex under my roof while I knew their partner's parents would disapprove. As the OP's offspring's partner is a girl it makes it all the more tricky: It's a mother thing!

Looking at this from the girlsfriend's mother's point of view, the OP is probably going to get some short shrift for allowing 'goodness know what' under her roof. But, as every mother wants only the best for her child, that girl's mother will in some way be thankful that someone thought of her daughter's future wellbeing in the situation.

Mojisola

wik wrote: »

They never said anything in baby books about buying condoms for sons!!!!

I bought condoms for my kids well before they sexually active because I wanted them to be familiar with them and for the boys to have practice at putting them on properly.

If the first time a condom is used is during sex, embarrassment and fumbling can lead to incorrect fitting and removal and a higher risk of pregnancy. Looking at condoms and putting them on a banana in a classroom is far removed from the real life experience!

One of the nurses at our GPs used to run a youngsters clinic where the local kids could go to talk about any worries to do with sex, physical development and STIs so I made sure ours knew about that.

Lunar_Eclipse

DannyBo wrote: »

If we were left to our own devices with no outside interference - we'd all be bed hopping!

As much as I love sex, I wouldn't.

Although I would be happy for our children to have sex in our home before marriage (possibly because they're both girls), I interestingly share Nicki's general opinions/experience. DH & I have been together since we were 18 so whilst I know some people are active as young teenagers, I think it's fairly circumstantial that we had limited sexual experiences prior to our relationship. Besides snogging, none of our friends were sexually active before the age of 16-18. I also had a good female friend at university who left as a virgin, although this was an exception and definitely through (completely non religious) choice.

Do I regret not having more sexual encounters? Absolutely not. I'm not naive enough to believe DH feels the same, although he would never admit anything along those lines.

I didn't have a religious upbringing and I would say my parents were fairly liberal with me in relation to sex, despite modelling a monogomous marriage and relationship which started prior to them being 16. They are still very happily married and sexually active now, in their 60's.

Both DH & I appear to be living what we experienced as children. Our younger siblings were both more sexually active at a younger age and with multiple partners prior to marriage.

Bufger

skintchick wrote: »

I think that you are doing wrong by allowing them to have sex when you now know that her parents would not approve.

The very least you should do is call them and let them know that their daughter is in a sexual relationship with your son, and that you have talked to your son about contraception, so they are aware of the situation.

They deserve to know their daughter is having sex at such a young age, and now that you know that they would not approve I think you have a moral duty to them to let them know.

At the moment they may believe that you don't allow it, and think their daughter is 'safe' coming over to your house(inverted commas because obviously she is physically safe but they may see her as not being safe with your son in terms of sex) , when in fact you are letting them have sex.

If I were her parent I would expect you to let me know, so that I could talk to my daughter about sex and contraception. After all, if she does get pregnant it will be them dealing with the pregnancy and baby. They deserve to know what's going on.

I think if her parents are so naive to think that a couple of 16 year old skulking out every night arent going to have sex then they dont have a say. They're obviously burying their heads in the sand, these kids would have sex anywhere and if you've ever been a social 16 year old you will remember.

My parents were ok with it in our house and my wifes mum was not. She too burried her head in the sand but at the end of the day if I wasnt allowed in my house either then it would have been an ally, a park, a cheap and nasty hotel or anywhere equally unsafe.

The OP is obviously a great parent. The kind that can give a teenager the space they need to grow up but can also guide them in a mature manner. Pretending its not happening is a very immature view of the world.

And yes I did marry the partner I met at 16 years of age. We practiced safe sex for 10 years before choosing to have kids. I really am thankful to my parents for being mature and discreet about the situation and I plan to be exactly the same for my 2 boys.

Bufger

coolcait wrote: »

I've picked out this part, as I think that people can often be blissfully unaware of the fact that their vehemently expressed views can be perceived as 'pressure' by others.

They can be equally unaware of the fact that their vehemence can be perceived as 'try[ing] to impose their views on others'.

Whichever side of the debate they're on (no matter what that debate might be about).

As an aside, I'm not completely convinced by the argument that 16 year olds will have sex anywhere and everywhere, if a parent doesn't allow it to happen 'under their roof'.

Of course that may be a reflection of my country's climatic conditions :eek:.

Once one of them has a access to a car, then the argument gets stronger....

As for the situation presented to us by the OP, I think that any parent can only give advice and guidance. Different parents will see that advice in different ways.

When two different parental viewpoints collide, the scope for carnage is huge.

Whether it's 'conservative' parents viewing 'liberal' parents as 'running a house of ill-repute'; or 'liberal' parents viewing 'conservative' parents as 'repressed and frigid'. [Choose your own terminology]

It really doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. There will be fallout.

If the OP thinks that this relationship will last, how does she prepare for that fallout, and deal with it when it arrives?

You've obviously not been as adventurous as some others! You dont need a roof over your head to do the deed, you just need a quiet place (and even then its not a requirement!)

I've seen people having sex in a normal nightclub in a 'chillout booth'. I've seen 2 people having sex on a beach at night. a 'friend' (honest) got caught with his wife on a balcony on holiday by the maid.

The 'fallout' depends completely on what type of people the girls parents are. They may well know whats happeneing but choose to ignore it. They may be really old school and be complete naive.

The thing in question should be the relationship a girl has with her parents and how approachable they are.

duchy

My mother read my diary when I was fifteen and discovered my best friend was having sex. She didn't know her parents at all (if she had she probably wouldn't have done what she did-their marriage was loveless and bitter -unlike my parent's marriage ) and she told her parents. They didn't want to know -chose not to believe her because they didn't want to deal with it.

raq

my sister in law done exactly the same thing ( girlfriends mother didn,t care actually, very disfunctional family ). Let them sleep together. Then BANG pregnant at 15. baby due any day.

I know there gonna do it but I certainly wouldn,t let it happen under my roof at 16. Sorry just had to be truthful

Hope to god no sign of little feet for you and the family

lazer

My friends sister in law was allowed to sleep in with her boyfriend in her mums house at 16, and in her brothers house etc - and surprise surprise she is pregnant now (knowing the girl I could have guessed it would happen - very immature etc)

Your children may be having sex at 16 - alternatively they may not be, my opinion is that we generally wouldn't choose for our children to be in a sexual relationship at 16, so we shouldn't facilitate it by letting them sleep in the same room.

If my 16 year old was staying at their boyfriend/girlfriends house, I would make sure I had spoken to the parents and check what the sleeping arrangements are.

In fact my 16 year old would not be staying anywhere unless I had spoken to the owner of the house to make sure it was ok, at 16 - mostly they are still at school, and still your responsibility.

SmallL

Only the parents know their children well enough to decide if they are mature enough to start a sexual relationship at the age of consent.
My first sexual relationship was at 15, my partner was 15, we are still together and im 21 now.
No i didn't intend from the get go to stay with this man 'forever' however we felt very strongly about each other and have always been mature for our age.

I never had 'the talk', but have always practised safe sex as a matter of common sense. Infact i have never explicitally said to my parents 'me and my partner are having sex', of course they knew (as we shared a bed) but they made the decision to leave it to us and rightly so in our case.

I dont agree with people saying 'wouldn't allow this at 16', in my mind its your childs maturity and whether or not they have a 'good head on them'.