is this interfereing to much?

Nicki

DannyBo wrote: »

And why would your son divulge to you that he likes to bed hop (if that were the case)

I was a 16 yr old boy a few months ago (ahem) and I can vouch that most 16 yr old boys take what they can get

The key words in the post you replied to were "on a range of subjects" not specifically about bedhopping.

I am reasonably certain DS hasn't even snogged much less bedhopped yet. Whether I will know when this changes is another matter

Nicki

DannyBo wrote: »

Keywords should be typed in bold then, for future reference.

Only for 17 year old boys who can't read a short paragraph in plain english and understand what it means :cool:

Person_one

Nicki wrote: »

That is interesting gingin, because of my (female) friends when this has been discussed between us, although some of them have had sexual relationships they valued before meeting their current partners, I don't have any friends who began having sex at the age of 16 who don't now regret this, and of all my friends who have had multiple partners, although they don't necessarily regret every sexual relationship they had, they all would say they wish they had had fewer sexual relationships before they met their current partner. Generally speaking, amongst my own circle of friends, the fewer relationships they had before their marriage, the happier they are about that aspect of their life.

I do accept that other people can have different opinions, but perhaps it is better to wonder "what if" than to regret what has been done and can't be undone?

Sometimes people are very aware of what the 'right' answers are depending on who they're talking to.

Among my female friends (late twenties to mid thirties, a mixture of married, single and unmarried but coupled) I don't think any have any regrets. One of my closest friends has only ever slept with her husband who she met at 20, one had several relationships with men in her teens but is now living with a woman and identifies as lesbian, most though started sleeping with partners between 16-18 and had several long relationships of varying length and seriousness and are perfectly fine and happy.

Everybody's different and does what is right for them, but you'll notice that those of us with no hang ups about sex very rarely try and pressure people into doing it if they aren't ready. Yet those who see sex as somehow immoral and shameful unless you're wearing a bit of metal round your finger often try to impose their views on others or judge them for behaving in a way they wouldn't.

Person_one

Nicki wrote: »

Only for 17 year old boys who can't read a short paragraph in plain english and understand what it means :cool:

Oh dear Nicki, aren't you a bit old to be exchanging insults with a teenager?

Nicki

Person_one wrote: »

Sometimes people are very aware of what the 'right' answers are depending on who they're talking to.

Among my female friends (late twenties to mid thirties, a mixture of married, single and unmarried but coupled) I don't think any have any regrets. One of my closest friends has only ever slept with her husband who she met at 20, one had several relationships with men in her teens but is now living with a woman and identifies as lesbian, most though started sleeping with partners between 16-18 and had several long relationships of varying length and seriousness and are perfectly fine and happy.

Everybody's different and does what is right for them, but you'll notice that those of us with no hang ups about sex very rarely try and pressure people into doing it if they aren't ready. Yet those who see sex as somehow immoral and shameful unless you're wearing a bit of metal round your finger often try to impose their views on others or judge them for behaving in a way they wouldn't.

I can't help noticing the irony!

Because you feel, I have "hang ups", my friends must all have lied or distorted their opinions when discussing this in a girlie relaxed environment :rotfl:

Because I've only had a sexual relationship with my husband (before we were married or engaged) that automatically means I see sex as "immoral or shameful", and that I "impose my views on others and judge them" because I wouldn't encourage my 16 year old children to have sex in my home, or be happy if someone was encouraging them to have sex in their home. Rather than trying to be a caring and responsible parent...

I think someone is judging someone in the post I quoted but I am not sure you've got it the right way round!

Nowhere have I said that I would prevent or judge my children from having sex outside marriage, only that I would prefer if they waited until they were in a serious relationship until they entered into this kind of relationship, and that it is my personal opinion that sex is more meaningful in a committed relationship, and one I would prefer them to share. People can have more than one committed relationships in their lives by the way. My concern would be if they were having one night stands or flitting between sexual partners several times a year. If they don't share my views, that doesn't mean they will be judged or ostracised by me, but as I have said I would worry that this is not the happiest way to lead their lives, and there are risks to physical and emotional health, and obviously a risk of unwanted pregnancy.

I am not threatened by others multiple experiences, but it is interesting that some are threatened by someone else's monogamous choices.

System

I wouldn't really say i bedhopped at that age. I lost my virginty at 16 to my first bf, admitadly that didn't last very long, that was my shortest realtionship.But from 16-24 i was with my 2nd partner 18 months, then from my 3rd bf for 2 and 1/2 years, then my 4rd bf for 3/12 years and now my current partner who i've been with for 8 months. So i spent most of the 10 years i''ve been sexually active in loving, serious relationships. I don't regret any of them, as tht would mean i regret the relationships to and personally if feel i've grown as a person, not just emotionaly but i'm more sexually confident too.

Nicki

DannyBo wrote: »

Nicki: why was that your choice? Why would you want your children to follow suit? Either the church or society - sex with numerous partners before settling down would probably save a lot of marriages/relationships.

If we were left to our own devices with no outside interference - we'd all be bed hopping!

Guilt?

I met my now husband when I was 18, and we married when I was 23. So it was how things turned out that we were monogamous, because an early committed relationship ended up being a longlasting and permanent one. If it hadn't worked out, then I almost certainly would have gone on to have other sexual relationships, but not casual sexual relationships.

I don't agree that left to our own devices we'd all be bedhopping. Once sex enters into the equation, in my opinion, relationships change, power shifts, emotions get more involved, and people get hurt more easily. I think it is easier to recover from a short failed dating relationship, than it is to recover from a failed sexual relationship of the same length. It is also undoubtedly the case, that early sexual encounters and multiple sexual encounters, both cause medical issues for young women (HPV) and that multiple sexual encounters increase the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, which can be a lifelong issue in some cases.

I would like all my children to have happy and emotionally stable lives and to like themselves for themselves, not find their self worth in multiple sexual encounters as some people do. That is not to say they have to remain virgins until they marry, or that they can only have one sexual relationship in their lives, but equally I would not be happy if they were "bedhopping" from the age of 16 either.

Nicki

DannyBo wrote: »

Exactly !

Who wants 2 virgins fumbling for the next 50 years from the day of their wedding?

To quote Madoona : experience has made me rich and now they're after me.

I'd venture to suggest that a single 50 year old continuous sexual relationship would make them rather more experienced than someone with intermittent sexual relationships over the same period

Believe it or not, people are only virgins the first time. They don't remain so forever

Nicki

DannyBo wrote: »

The sexual encounters I have had were fantastic to: don't call me, I'll call you - sex for me is mechanical - perhaps that relates to my stand point.

And this I think exactly demonstrates my point. There is so much more in my opinion to (good) sex (and to life) than this, but that's something which gets lost when children of 16 are having sex with multiple partners, and when this continues for much of their life.

And on that note, I'm off to bed.

coolcait

Person_one wrote: »

.. but you'll notice that those of us with no hang ups about sex very rarely try and pressure people into doing it if they aren't ready. Yet those who see sex as somehow immoral and shameful unless you're wearing a bit of metal round your finger often try to impose their views on others or judge them for behaving in a way they wouldn't.

I've picked out this part, as I think that people can often be blissfully unaware of the fact that their vehemently expressed views can be perceived as 'pressure' by others.

They can be equally unaware of the fact that their vehemence can be perceived as 'try[ing] to impose their views on others'.

Whichever side of the debate they're on (no matter what that debate might be about).

As an aside, I'm not completely convinced by the argument that 16 year olds will have sex anywhere and everywhere, if a parent doesn't allow it to happen 'under their roof'.

Of course that may be a reflection of my country's climatic conditions :eek:.

Once one of them has a access to a car, then the argument gets stronger....

As for the situation presented to us by the OP, I think that any parent can only give advice and guidance. Different parents will see that advice in different ways.

When two different parental viewpoints collide, the scope for carnage is huge.

Whether it's 'conservative' parents viewing 'liberal' parents as 'running a house of ill-repute'; or 'liberal' parents viewing 'conservative' parents as 'repressed and frigid'. [Choose your own terminology]

It really doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. There will be fallout.

If the OP thinks that this relationship will last, how does she prepare for that fallout, and deal with it when it arrives?