How to stop toddler hitting and throwing things at mum?

lindseykim13

You need to do what you feel is right at the time, i don't care if timeouts work, cuddles work ect it's what works for you and what you think is right at that moment in time.
I have 3 kids 2 older and 1 3yr old and they are all naughty at times. All of us have strops and mood swings be it adult or child and they all need dealing with in different ways.
For example my ds was 2.5 and been having problems with him going to bed i'd been watching some crud about leaving him to cry until he went to sleep and i did it because i thought it was right at the time. I still remeber that night now as i was a complete horrid mum it was NOT the right thing to do as he got so upset and never went to sleep and made matters worse. In the end we worked out for ourself that he would go to sleep if we stayed in the room, then worked our way onto the landing and eventually he went to bed on his own.
My point is you need to find out your own way and not listen so much to how other people think you should do it.
My Dd hits now and again and sometimes it's because she is being just darn horrid so i will get her to do a timeout and call in calm down time. Other times she has been really distressed about something and it was her way of getting out of the situation (like meeting new poeple she wasn't sure of she'd start hitting me) in this case she needed reasurance.

At the end of the day all toddlers go through this phase all 3 of mine have! They'll grow out of it as long as they know it's not acceptable one way or another.

hollylangman37

Yorkie1 wrote: »

I know a 5-year old who still throws things when he doesn't get his own way. Pure temper tantrum in a bid for control - he's not tired, or hungry etc. Just cross at being told 'no', and he knows what he's doing.

I remember thinking 2-3 years ago that if boundaries weren't consistently set then, that there would still be problems later on. And unfortunately I wasn't wrong.

I think you make a good point, the child is acting in a way because they're cross. There is always a reason for behaviour, whether being cross, bored or just testing the boundaries.

Children do need boundaries and telling what's right or wrong. I may not have phrased it as "withdrawing love" myself, but everyone has different parenting techniques and what may work for one, won't work for another. You know your child best.

zaksmum

Thanks everyone. So most of you seem to agree that placing the little fella on some kind of naughty step or taking him out of the room would be most effective?

I'm very aware that it's so easy for a child to go down the "brat" route at this age!

rpc

Teenie_D wrote: »

So a child lashes out and instead of getting punished they are sat down and it is talked over and they are given hugs!!!

A child that age doesn't really understand punishment as we do. They can (just) understand consequences and you are really teaching them rather than punishing them.

Punishment (when it is punishment and not teaching) has been repeatedly shown to be fairly ineffective anyway. If the objective is to develop certain behaviours, us humans don't respond very well to punishment. The same is true of adults as well as children. That's why most parents are now swimming in a sea of reward charts...

duchy

Ah Punishment -such an emotive word. "Oh you PUNISH your toddler"

I never punished my child but I sure as heck corrected his behaviour-and with aspergers not yet diagnosed those toddler meltdowns were somewhat high on the scale ! Time out in the form of either withdrawing attention for a few minutes , removal from the room (or place if out and about) and a very clear verbal message works BUT as said earlier you HAVE to be consistent. It's no good finding throwing a cup on the floor (or whatever) funny or ignoring it one time and labeling it naughty behavour another time . Toddlers want boundries but will certainly explore them -it's part of their development.

It doesn't matter what other parents do -most good parents find what works for them-and the really good parents realize that their way is not the only way and what works for them and their child may not work for another mother (although they may observe the techniques of others and modify them for their own use). The strident -my way is the only way mothers are just a pain in the butt

mrcow

Raksha wrote: »

If the child feels his environment is out of hus cintrol, how about putting him in control if one aspect such as 'blue or red bubbles in your bath tonight.? The bath is already determined but he still gets to choose.

You're misreading me.

It's not that they "feel their environment is out of control". It's because they like being in control of their parents' behaviour.

ie. I can control this situation by kicking off. I don't want to be here (e.g. shop/restaurant/visiting) or do this (eg. go to bed/eat my vegetabbles/share my toys) so I'll behave in a way where I can get my Mum running around after me. I'll kick off as a diversion and then it will all be about me.

Poor behaviour shold not be rewarded by giving it attention.

If you do it, you're making a rod for your own back.

mrcow

zaksmum wrote: »

Thanks everyone. So most of you seem to agree that placing the little fella on some kind of naughty step or taking him out of the room would be most effective?

I'm very aware that it's so easy for a child to go down the "brat" route at this age!

It has to be whatever works for that particular child. Some don't caare about time out, with others, it will really help to calm a situation and allow for everyone to take a breather.

For others, taking a favourite toy away for a set time (even if it's an hour) can be a very effective tool. You just have to try it out and see what works.

They are at the age where they can 100% understand consequences. Because consequences can be nice too when behaviour is good.

sassyblue

zaksmum wrote: »

Thanks everyone. So most of you seem to agree that placing the little fella on some kind of naughty step or taking him out of the room would be most effective?

I'm very aware that it's so easy for a child to go down the "brat" route at this age!

Hi zaksmum, don't you just love the stages kids go through? We did do the thinking spot (same as naughty step but different name) but that didn't work after a while.

I told mine at that age a stern 'No. We're not having that behaviour, it's wrong' and toys that were thrown were confiscated until the next day.

You just need to find what works for YOUR child, but be warned they'll change the goalposts another day.

ash28

skintchick wrote: »

I don't agree with time-outs.

What we do here (DD is 3.5) is firmly and consistently remind her that hitting is not nice and not acceptable. I operate on consequences, so for example at bedtime she will be told that hitting (or whatever) is not acceptable and if she continues she will lose one of her bedtime stories. If she hits again, I remind again and tell her she will lose a story, then if it happens again the story is lost.

I also try and find out why she is doing it. So I would say something like "you seem very cross with mummy right now, can you tell me what you are cross about?" obviously depends on how verbal the child is but my DD was chatting away at 16 months so this has worked for us for a long time.

I reassure her I love her even if she hits me, but that it's not acceptable to hit.

They do test boundaries regularly but being consistent and firm without being unkind is the key to success.

QUICK EDIT: to add stuff on why I don't do timeouts, for anyone interested
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts
http://livingpeacefullywithchildren.com/2010/02/27/the-disadvantages-of-time-out/

My children are grown up now, but I used a combination of time out and positive reinforcement. It left them with no lasting damage.

I don't entirely agree with you because I do believe that some actions actually need a form of "punishment". Children have to learn that there are or can be consequences to some actions and that they do have to take responsibility for their actions, especially as they get older.

Life is hard enough now for young people without them growing up thinking that a hug and a chat is all that is required when they do something unacceptable.

an9i77

My little boy is going through a phase now where he doesn't understand why he can't have what he wants when he wants it, and has a massive paddy every time he can't get his own way.
If I give in and let him have his own way he will only persist in this thinking and it will get deeper entrenched, so we just say no and if he persists in trying to do what he wants (this morning it was trying to get down the stairs when we were both upstairs) then I pick him up and put him in his cot or the play pen for two mins.
Its either that or he will be running rings around me for the next 10 years!
I think it is more loving to give firm boundaries and fair rules, than to not do this and have a chaotic environment where the kid thinks they can rule the roost.