How to stop toddler hitting and throwing things at mum?

thegirlintheattic

Don't make a big fuss. One warning in a calm voice, second time, take to time out - don't talk etc. just plonk down and keep putting him back if he moves.

Afterwards make sure he understands what he did.

vicker

skintchick wrote: »

I don't agree with time-outs.

What we do here (DD is 3.5) is firmly and consistently remind her that hitting is not nice and not acceptable. I operate on consequences, so for example at bedtime she will be told that hitting (or whatever) is not acceptable and if she continues she will lose one of her bedtime stories. If she hits again, I remind again and tell her she will lose a story, then if it happens again the story is lost.

Can I ask what happens next? Is the story lost and nothing else? Or do you move onto withdrawing other things if your DD is still hitting? What do you do on those occasions where the child carries on and on and on with the behaviour?

skintchick

vicker wrote: »

Can I ask what happens next? Is the story lost and nothing else? Or do you move onto withdrawing other things if your DD is still hitting? What do you do on those occasions where the child carries on and on and on with the behaviour?

In that particular instance, at bedtime, she'd just go straight to bed.

My main concern would be to find out WHY she was hitting, and what was triggering the behaviour.

If she carries on and on, I'd assume that there was something big going on in her little head, and tell her I was going to hold her close so she couldn;t hit me any more, while talking to her and reassuring her that I loved her and was there to help her.

Children don't behave badly for fun, there is a reason why, and we need to try and find out what it is (hungry, thirsty, tired, scared, sad, whatever).

For example, my DD will play up if she is hungry, and if she is overtired, so we have to be very prompt with meals and snacks, and with bedtime, or her behaviour deteriorates. There is not much point in punshing her at that point, just in trying to sort out the issue causing the problem (feed her, put her to bed quicker).

Even small changes in life can cause big upsets to children.

mrcow

meritaten wrote: »

I beleive that with very young children then consequences should be 'immediate'. otherwise, the poor things have no idea why they are being punished hours later!

Absolutely.

Make it immediate and make it relevant (ie something they care about). If it's time out, a confiscation, leaving a venue, no pudding/treat - whatever works for you.

There is no point discussing or trying to validate/account for the behaviour. Hitting/violence is unacceptable. It stops immediately or there are immediate consequences.

Each time.
Every time.
All the time.

mrcow

skintchick wrote: »

Children don't behave badly for fun,

Some do.

Some do it because they like being in control of the situation.

You know.......if i kick off, my mum will pay me more attention. She may even do that trick where she hugs me really tight so I can't keep hitting her. That's a fun game. I think I'll play that one today.

skintchick

mrcow wrote: »

Some do.

Some do it because they like being in control of the situation.

You know.......if i kick off, my mum will pay me more attention. She may even do that trick where she hugs me really tight so I can't keep hitting her. That's a fun game. I think I'll play that one today.

In which case the child needs more hugs in general. If they misbehave to get hugs then they definitely DO need hugs.

If they feel the need to be in control, I'd wonder why they feel out of control? What ways could I help them to feel in control of areas of their life that I am happy with them controlling? How can we blance it so we both get what we need?

Withdrawing attention from a child who is crying out for attention is only exacerbating the problem and making the child feel bad.

I try to understand what is behind the behaviour. Behaviour is a symptom, not the problem.

Teenie_D

skintchick wrote: »

In which case the child needs more hugs in general. If they misbehave to get hugs then they definitely DO need hugs.

If they feel the need to be in control, I'd wonder why they feel out of control? What ways could I help them to feel in control of areas of their life that I am happy with them controlling? How can we blance it so we both get what we need?

.

So a child lashes out and instead of getting punished they are sat down and it is talked over and they are given hugs!!!

Sometimes children just do play up for the sake of it, they are testing the boundaries, they want to know how far they can push or just how much they are going to get away with, it doesn't always need in depth analysing, they are being children!

Raksha

mrcow wrote: »

Some do.

Some do it because they like being in control of the situation.

You know.......if i kick off, my mum will pay me more attention. She may even do that trick where she hugs me really tight so I can't keep hitting her. That's a fun game. I think I'll play that one today.

If the child feels his environment is out of hus cintrol, how about putting him in control if one aspect such as 'blue or red bubbles in your bath tonight.? The bath is already determined but he still gets to choose.

sharkeybabe

Teenie_D wrote: »

So a child lashes out and instead of getting punished they are sat down and it is talked over and they are given hugs!!!

Sometimes children just do play up for the sake of it, they are testing the boundaries, they want to know how far they can push or just how much they are going to get away with, it doesn't always need in depth analysing, they are being children!

I have to agree teenie. My dd is a monster at times and knows exactly how to push my buttons tbh and its very testing. Just children being children imo.

skintchick

So what do you define being a child as then?

Is a child inherently bad? Programmed to behave badly? You seem to think so but I don't agree.

A child is just a young person learning about the world and trying to make sense of it, and our job is to help them, not punish them by withdrawing our love when it becomes overhelming for them.