16 Year Old Girl with an abusive mother .UPDATE

RevolvingDoor

Lilith1980 wrote: »

I am concerned that the onus is being left on a 16 year old child to decide what is best for the young children.
OP - you can always call your local Contact and Referral Team (CART), anonymously, to ask what they would suggest. You never know, the family may already be known to social services, but I think if you leave it and something serious happens then where will that leave you?
You say this girl has told you things you dare not disclose on here - that sounds ominous and really if these things are so bad that you dare not tell people on here, it sounds like you should be talking to the CART team.
Perhaps you could talk to your son's GF again and get across how serious the things she is saying appear to be, and that you are considering talking to social services.
For the people thinking 'She's 16 she might be exaggerating' - this is exactly the attitude which enables people like Jimmy Savile to get away with the things he did and allows abuse and neglect to continue.
Neglect comes in many forms, it doesn't need to be physical, sexual or emotional abuse, it can be failure to provide children with the love and care they need. At the moment it sounds like this girl is doing all the looking after.
Good luck OP.

I pretty much agree with all of this.

poet123

I think that you have started down a road and then stopped at the first hurdle. You have taken the hardest step, please follow it through. Easy for me to say and much, much, harder to actually do, but better than having something happen and know you may have been able to prevent it if you had been that bit braver. No offence.

Dunroamin

The OP's son doesn't seem to appear in this situation, does he know of (or has he witnessed) any of this abuse?

Racheldevon

I work within the safeguarding field, and I am concerned that this hasn't been reported to CYP Social Care. A child has disclosed to you a number of things from your OP which suggest she is fearful. Potentially she, and her younger siblings are at risk - whether or not you believe her, you have a duty as an adult to share this information with social care, who will carry out an initial assessment and and make the decision on the best way in which to safeguard those involved - which doesn't just involve going into care - the threshold is through the roof, it would be a very last resort.

You can still maintain your relationship with her, and I would suggest you explain that you were really concerned with what she shared with you, and that you really want to support her and keep her and her siblings safe - but that you can't do that alone, and that you need to share the information with those who can help.

mandi

Thank you all once again for the replies .

TBH I haven't dared look at the thread until now because I'm still unsure what to do and I don't want to make a a decision that will effect so many people and frankly I'm scared .


Not for me but the consequences of my actions and the potential implication's .

In answer to the many questions .

My understanding is that the younger children are not abused , obvously I can only take my sons GF word . but I believe she is genuine .

My son is aware of the situation and has confided in me that her situatuion is as I believe.

I understand that some of you are concerned but please understand that I am and will do everthing I can to support her .

amyloofoo

mandi wrote: »

Thank you all once again for the replies .

TBH I haven't dared look at the thread until now because I'm still unsure what to do and I don't want to make a a decision that will effect so many people and frankly I'm scared .

That's entirely understandable, you've been placed in an incredibly difficult situation and I can see that you're now struggling to do the best for everyone involved. You've received some really good (if somewhat contradictory) information on here, and it's really laudable that you want to consider all sides before acting. Having said that, time really is of the essence if you consider that any of these young people may be at risk of harm (which includes neglect) - and you have both a moral and possibly legal duty to inform the relevant authorities.

Not for me but the consequences of my actions and the potential implication's .

Of course there may always be unintended consquences to actions, and it would be awful to feel that social services, etc had been informed of a situation that was nothing more than a bit of teenage exaggeration. However, you have to weigh up the implications of not acting... could you live with yourself if something happened and these children were placed at serious risk? Or if it was less imminently dramatic but this girl ended up leaving home and another child was placed in this position?

In answer to the many questions .

My understanding is that the younger children are not abused , obvously I can only take my sons GF word . but I believe she is genuine .

If you believe she's genuine then surely you have a duty to act? And the other children may not be abused now, but what happens when she inevitably has had too much and leaves?

My son is aware of the situation and has confided in me that her situatuion is as I believe.

So you have enough evidence to support you taking this to the next stage... I know you're trying to empower the girl, and that's laudable, but she's just a child and now is the time for an adult to fulfil their responsibilities towards her. She's had to be the responsible one for too long.

I understand that some of you are concerned but please understand that I am and will do everthing I can to support her .

I believe you, I really do :grouphug:

sharnad

dktreesea wrote: »

Yes, I understand she's scared, but she wouldn't be talking to you unless she was open to doing something about it. After all, she has probably been in her current situation or a variation of the same for some years. Only now has she plucked up the courage to tell someone.

At the same time, she needs to step back and decide, can she go on coping with her present circumstances (after all, she has coped up until now. Only just maybe, but still she has actually coped), or is she prepared to leave.

If she's too scared to do something about her situation, at least on her own account, as in "better the devil you know that the unknown", then only she can make that decision.

How about saying to her if she is ready to do something about it and wants your help to leave then you can help her contact social services. But that's not what it sounds like at the moment from the thread. "I'm in a cr*p situation but I don't want you to tell anyone" means, to me, "I realise my situation is cr*p, but I am not prepared to do anything about it."

She is a child who has reached out to an adult for help and there are younger children involved its the adults responsibility to go to the correct people to get help for the child

Lilith1980

mandi wrote: »

My understanding is that the younger children are not abused , obvously I can only take my sons GF word . but I believe she is genuine .

Hi OP, the thing is, the mother apparently goes out drinking and leave the 16 year old to look after the young ones...this is neglect of not only the 16 year old but the young ones too.

As another poster has said, social services will not necessarily look to take the children into care. I think social services have a reputation for just taking children out of the home for the slightest reason. This is not the case, this is the last resort. Social services will look to support families so that children CAN remain in the home.

I really think you need to speak to someone again and not sit on this too long. You can remain anonymous and get some feedback as to which steps to take next.

Lilith1980

Just in my own experience....I worked with a woman within a mental health service. One day when I went to see her she disclosed something that her 8 year old grandson had told her, regarding his dad (her son-in-law).

I had to take this to the local CART team because it was a potentially serious situation. I rang the woman and told her I would be reporting it to the CART team, she was upset and worried it would come back on her but at the end of the day if a child's welfare is at stake then I think that takes far greater priority.

I work in the field of child abuse - never doubt what a child says, never think they are exaggerating or have got it wrong, we have failed enough children in our society.

KiKi

Lilith1980 wrote: »

I am concerned that the onus is being left on a 16 year old child to decide what is best for the young children.

This.

She's a child who - whilst many 16 year olds may act all grown up - will not understand the emotional ramifications of either her actions, nor the potential impact on her siblings.

If the NSPCC thought it serious enough to report, then I'm quite surprised that it seems okay to leave this with a 16 year old. By all means, empower teens to make decisions about what GCSEs and A-levels to take. Help them make decisions about boyfriends, and friendships, and empower them to manage their own money, time etc.

But 'empowering' a child to deal with an abusive situation?! I wouldn't call it empowerment. It's not taking action because the consequences are too serious. And quite frankly, if the consequences *are* that serious, then an adult should be taking charge.

Sorry, OP, I don't mean to have a go at you per se - which I'm sure is how it comes across. But if *you* have doubts about calling SS, and if *you* are so worried about reporting it because of the ramifications, how on earth do you think a frightened 16 year old child who was sobbing in your arms is going to make those decisions and deal with it? You sound like you've got your head screwed on, emotionally mature enough - she won't be!

KiKi