Not 'doing' Santa

thatgirlsam

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

About the acne thing, I'd just have said, 'you're fine', or 'everything is fine', or something like that, no specifically mentioning her spots.

If I'd have been asked specifically about the spots I'd have said, 'You are fine, don't worry about them, most people your age have them', something to that effect. You can't pretend they like wonderful when they don't!

Not sure that would have worked. 'Most people your age have them'

'Mum, so you are saying they look bad'

Err...

Person_one

OrkneyStar wrote: »

I have said already it is not so much 'reasoning' just something inside that stops me, so much so that if I try I'd sound so insincere it would be pointless.
I used to be able to lie when I was younger, was fairly ok at it as it went.

I'm sure you can manage it if you try.

OrkneyStar

Person_one wrote: »

I'm sure you can manage it if you try.

I'm sure you can manage not to, if you try?

It's clearly not that simple.

Anyway, we are digressing quite a bit, and my 'question and answer session' might be seen as some as board hogging so off to put the shopping away :o.

seven-day-weekend

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Not sure that would have worked. 'Most people your age have them'

'Mum, so you are saying they look bad'

Err...

I have brought up a child, I have had to address these issues. Of course I'm not going to say the spots look OK when they don't, the young person can see for themselves what they look like, they are not stupid.

But you can give a hug, and reassure that they look nowhere near as bad as the young person thinks they do, point out that most young people have them, tell them that no-one thinks bad of them over it, there are many ways you can re-assure without making the young person feel bad or treating them as brainless.

If they do not mention the spots specifically, i would not mention them either.

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

I don't mean to be harsh here, but with that reasoning you are thinking of yourself, of how you feel, rather than what is the best thing to do for the other person.

Does it make it easier when you think of a white lie as a kindness, as something you do for the sake of someone else rather than as something you are doing that's 'wrong'?

Life is just not simple or straightforward enough for a 'no lies ever' rule!

When people post on here or visit counsellors because they've been hurt by somebody or something somebody has said they are told that they (the hurt person) are responsible for their own feelings, not others (and I agree). When my husband mentioned something about my tummy 2 weeks after a traumatic birth (where I hadn't previously thought about what would happen when baby was no longer pulling it tight as a drum) I was hurt and upset. He didn't mean it to be hurtful, but that's how I chose to take it.

You appear to be arguing the opposite.

stargazer59

Eton_Rifle wrote: »

To bring it back, Notanewuser, I think teaching children the concept of Santa is very worthwhile.

The whole point of Santa is charity without glory.

It's anonymously giving without getting any reward back from the act. It's about the recipient, not how wonderful the gift giver is. It's not seeking praise.
You're pretending it's from someone else so it becomes act of sheer love that comes with no strings of guilt attached for the recipient.

This is one of the noblest of human gestures.

In history, poor families most benefitted most from it as they could bring joy to their little chidren without making them feel guilty because their parents were doing without.

Without this anonymous concept, what do we get? We will still get the humanitarian act but it will have strings attached

Instead of Santa visiting children's wards at Chrtistmas, we get the suits from Goldman Sachs etc giving presents but openly buying publicity and praise
Is that what we really want?

I vote for Santa.

If i could thank this post 50 times i would.

This is exactly what Santa is all about.:T:T

thatgirlsam

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I have brought up a child, I have had to address these issues. Of course I'm not going to say the spots look OK when they don't, the young person can see for themselves what they look like, they are not stupid.

But you can give a hug, and reassure that they look nowhere near as bad as the young person thinks they do, point out that most young people have them, tell them that no-one thinks bad of them over it, there are many ways you can re-assure without making the young person feel bad or treating them as brainless.

If they do not mention the spots specifically, i would not mention them either.

Both of those statments would have been a lie.

they DO look as bad as she thinks they do, and there are kids at school who think her bad about it.

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

When people post on here or visit counsellors because they've been hurt by somebody or something somebody has said they are told that they (the hurt person) are responsible for their own feelings, not others (and I agree). When my husband mentioned something about my tummy 2 weeks after a traumatic birth (where I hadn't previously thought about what would happen when baby was no longer pulling it tight as a drum) I was hurt and upset. He didn't mean it to be hurtful, but that's how I chose to take it.

You appear to be arguing the opposite.

I think people are responsible for the things they say, your husband's comment was hurtful and thoughtless. If its easier for you to blame yourself for feeling hurt by it then that's up to you.

I prefer to go through life considering other people's feelings where possible rather than disregarding them as 'not my problem'.

OrkneyStar

Person_one wrote: »

I think people are responsible for the things they say, your husband's comment was hurtful and thoughtless. If its easier for you to blame yourself for feeling hurt by it then that's up to you.

I prefer to go through life considering other people's feelings where possible rather than disregarding them as 'not my problem'.

I do consider people's feelings a lot of the time, what I am saying is that we cannot possibly analyse the effect of every single comment we make! On further thought, part of my not wanting to lie, I think, comes from not wanting to lull anyone into believing something false, a false sense of security so to speak. So it isn't simply self-satisfying. Of course we need to care about others, be responsible for our words, but we are not entirely responsible for another persons response.

seven-day-weekend

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Both of those statments would have been a lie.

they DO look as bad as she thinks they do, usually they don't, teenagers get things like this out of proportion and there are kids at school who think her bad about it.

OK, then, no-one whose opinion they care about thinks less of them over it.