Passive Aggressive - Emotionally Abusive Partner - Anyone else?

mintymoneysaver

My ex was not as bad as this, but when he was drunk I became the 'spoilsport' of his life. I forgave him for this for years and years, because he could be lovely, but the loveliness slowly disappeard and I was getting nothing back. He could make me feel worthless, our life together was non existent and I was so unhappy it doesn't bear thinknig about. The final straw came at our daughter's 18th birthday party where he behaved like an idiot, I spent most of the night trying to hide the fact that he was being so from my daughter, and our friends, and getting called all sorts by him for my trouble. I woke up the next morning and told him enough was enough. We separated a few months later, after sorting it all out very sensibly and amicably and I have never regretted it for a single minute. I'm sad that it didn't work out for ever, but I would never want him back. I asked my younger daughter the other day if she missed him living here. "Is it so terrible to say no, not at all?" was her answer.
As another poster said, "You will soar" Good Luck x

pixie76

I stayed in a relationship with my OH for over 17 years , the seeds of doubt were always there concerning his treatment of me and our older two sons but I stayed & dithered. It took me a while to muster the strength to end it but I did & I have never looked back, I am happier , my boys are happier & I feel no restrictions or control over me. I am now with someone who is kind, caring & gentle man, I never thought I would get involved with anybody again but I guess it happens when you are not expecting it.

Stay strong, you & your daughter will be much happier. I wish you all the best x

needingguidance

You are in an abusive relationship. You probably know no different but you probabkly know deep down it is not right/it is abusive, which is why you wrote on here. I got out a month ago. He could be his twin brother. Everything was my fault. I suffered bad migraines too. They follow similar patterns - please ring Woman's Aid. My confidence boomed as they reassured me. It gave me the support I needed to get out. I understand the emotions involved. You probably feel pretty worhtless. I would like to email you when I have time. Think of your children if for the reasons I know, you think you may deserve it, etc, etc. You don't but I also understand the bizarre psychology that goes with being a torturer every day. WOman's Aid are so very wise. They are experts in understanding everything. I was once late for his trip home for lunch - I was stuck in a supermarket. I got the screaming of "uselesss" etc, went on for 10 minutes. "why you can never do anything right?" blah blah. The following days I didn't dare go out. i then found myself stuck in another supermarket queue, verge of panic attacks, grabbing my daughter running across a town. No one should live like that. I had daily/minutely comments like you did. Psychological abuse is more diffiuclt to realise but it damages. My therapy, like I said was Woman's Aid and also telling people. I told my GP he probably overstepped professional lines but called my husband wicked, etc.

I know how you might be feeling but change can happen. You can start to like yourself and even love yourself and more importantly beleive that no one shouold treat you like that.

Email me if you want
x

needingguidance

To add more, I wrote my last report as I felt too tired to read all of it. Anyway, I returned to read it all. I could have written that. I left because of my daughter. You last sentence was exactly what I wrote in my diary.

Yesterday, despite feeling a bit overwhelmed what with money problems etc., I walked down town (I could make that-my own decision) and I felt a funny feeling. That feeling was a kind of peaceful/happy feeling. I felt free. I feel free. I am starting to like life. I am starting to feel I am ok.

And my goodness does it feel good leaving socks on the floor, or putting sugar in your coffee.

Typical pattern, he wants me back. Too proud to use those words though.

freedom is a right. Enjoy x

Hezzawithkids

needingguidance - just read your posts with tears in my eyes. Can't say how brave you are in leaving him and so happy that you found the support and strength you needed. Hope all works out for you, much love xxx

needingguidance

Hello
Freedom, I would like you to keep writing on here. it gives strength to women in your/our situation. It will also be good for you as it might not be rosey straightaway after your leave. You write really well. People must think how can someone so seemingly intelligent stay with a man like that? But, you have even found the answers to that. Amazing, considering how emotionally draining it is begin with a man like this.

When my ex knew he had gone too far, he used to stop and say "Look what you made me do now?" "Thank you very much for making me say all those things. You are unbeleivable". I wasted so much of my life but I would give even just one year of freedom over a lifetime with him.

Here's to freedom x

needingguidance

Just wanted to give some practical advice as have spent the last month or so rebuilding from scratch.
Income Support can take a while but feel free to call up to ask progress, explain your situation to try and speed things on.
When you first put in a claim for income support, they should give you the contact number for Lone parents support and for Child Maintenance Options.
You may qualify for tax credits.
On income support you may qualify for food vouchers/healthy start vouchers for your daughter.
If you need money for rent /deposit/furniture, you can apply for a Budgeting Loan. No interest charged.

Can I ask what area you are in? There might be a furniture scheme. Also, freecycle helped me massively when i needed a pram and cot etc. Couldn't recomment freecycle enough.

I have had a lot of self doubt. keep reading this thread. Keep reminding yourself how it was as you are sure to ahve moments when you remember the good times/blame yourself. I looked at a house just last week and it seemed so empty and cold. I thought of him. What you need to do is replace his comapny however crap it was, it was still another heartbeat, with friends.

I think most people on here would agree that from the way you come across, your humour, your awareness, your honesty, you will have no trouble making friends. Get involved in the toddler and mummy groups. I am sure you will find single mothers too. DOn't hide away. make it a plan to go to playgroup or x group every friday, for example.

You are starting to fly and then you will soar! x

gjb1503

This thread brought some old memories back for me - 21 years with an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive husband. Lots of your original post was said to me as well and even though you know it is them with the problem it can't help but eat away at your confidence. I left him almost 7 years ago now and have not looked back since - now with a lovely caring, honest, kind man - who also happens to be better looking than my ex, younger, taller and still has his own hair !!!!)

The only thing I would add is that you may have to be strong and resist a whole ream of tactics to try and stop you leaving or make you return. I got texts, calls, was stalked, he keyed my next partner's car (and the ex is a police officer lol), threatened suicide, cried, screamed, told lies about me to mutual friend and to my family, wrote love letters, wrote hate letters, went from reasonable to unreasonable within the space of seconds, the only way he would grant me a divorce was if I paid for it, filled out his forms for him, and admitted adultery with 'an unknown man' ( not true - on the records for ever now but worth it)..... the list goes on....and afterwards I found out that he was happily seeing someone else the whole time.

The only way I broke the cycle was by cutting off all contact - no replying to texts or phone calls - we didn't have children so much easier for me but I'm sure there will be people here who will be able to guide you in how best to deal with this situation where you have a child.

Good luck, be strong - it is sooo worth it. let us know how the move goes as soon as you can.

trevor_john

What a sad and tragic post. So glad you've found the strength to take those steps to get this "creature" out of your life. He is both yours and your daughters mortal enemy.

If he cares so much about his daughter then he would have got some help for his countless issues, he bangs on about his mothers problems so why the hell does he not make the effort to seek counselling if his childhood affected him so much.

Because it's easier for him to unload every sorry little grievance onto you and to blame someone else for all his shortcomings. What a sorry excuse for a human being he is. What a coward.

In my eyes he's not a good or even an ok dad to inflict this onto the mother of his child.

You just concentrate on getting yourself and your daughter a good life which you deserve. If you must let him have access I would insist on it being supervised in order to stop him poisoning her with his warped personality.

paddy's_mum

Very worrying that 3wayfreedom has not been on in almost a month, even with all the disruption a move entails. Surely her son or the aunt or a friend would have internet access.

OP - I for one would be so relieved to hear that you are safe and well.

Thinking of you and hoping that 2013 is the start of the happier life you promised yourself.