Passive Aggressive - Emotionally Abusive Partner - Anyone else?

Hezzawithkids

OP - I so feel for you, and at the same time I'm so impressed that (a) you've finally shared on here and (b) you've found some measure of support from people on here and (c) you can see a solution (of sorts) and a day when you can walk away.

Just look at the case of Justin Lee Collins and his (now) ex- girlfriend.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19783496

She took him to court over all the same things you have been suffering - an won. The guy is a complete and utter !!!!!!! and now everyone knows it. Sounds like your man to a T.

My OH of 25 years+ has periods like this - thankfully very rare - sulking, giving me the silent treatment for days, etc - all for some minor infringement (the last time was because I apparently "looked at him funny"). I wonder if all men have the same tendencies? It's just more apparent in some than others. I recognise this behaviour immediately for what it is and don't let it affect me. My escape is doing what you've done here - writing it all down. I keep a journal anyway and it helps me enormously to log everything and capture my thoughts and feelings at the same time. It also helps me understand that its not me, its him. My position is that I am a strong, confident woman who knows her own mind, and he ocassionally gets intimidated by that. he can't physically absue me (cos I'll hit him back!) so he uses emotional abuse instead, however mild in comparison to some.

My situation is nowhere near as severe as yours and - again - kudos to you for finally taking positive action. You are worth so much more than him. Kick the scumbag into touch and start your life over.

[note to self, don't read these threads at work, too emotional...:cool:]

seven-day-weekend

Hezzawithkids wrote: »

OP - I so feel for you, and at the same time I'm so impressed that (a) you've finally shared on here and (b) you've found some measure of support from people on here and (c) you can see a solution (of sorts) and a day when you can walk away.

Just look at the case of Justin Lee Collins and his (now) ex- girlfriend.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19783496

She took him to court over all the same things you have been suffering - an won. The guy is a complete and utter !!!!!!! and now everyone knows it. Sounds like your man to a T.

My OH of 25 years+ has periods like this - thankfully very rare - sulking, giving me the silent treatment for days, etc - all for some minor infringement (the last time was because I apparently "looked at him funny"). I wonder if all men have the same tendencies? It's just more apparent in some than others. I recognise this behaviour immediately for what it is and don't let it affect me. My escape is doing what you've done here - writing it all down. I keep a journal anyway and it helps me enormously to log everything and capture my thoughts and feelings at the same time. It also helps me understand that its not me, its him. My position is that I am a strong, confident woman who knows her own mind, and he ocassionally gets intimidated by that. he can't physically absue me (cos I'll hit him back!) so he uses emotional abuse instead, however mild in comparison to some.

My situation is nowhere near as severe as yours and - again - kudos to you for finally taking positive action. You are worth so much more than him. Kick the scumbag into touch and start your life over.

[note to self, don't read these threads at work, too emotional...:cool:]

They certainly do not! My dad nor my husband wouldn't dream of behaving like this, and there must be plenty of others like them.

Hezzawithkids

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

They certainly do not! My dad nor my husband wouldn't dream of behaving like this, and there must be plenty of others like them.

Glad to hear it

Eager_Elephant

You mentioned that you can afford to rent this place you are looking at tomorrow if you get Income Support and Local Housing Allowance.

Along with all the important papers, passport, birth certificates etc make sure you take your most recent mortgage statement.

The DWP will want to see a mortgage statement as proof of the balance and will then compare that to the value of the property to see if there is any equity - this is what delays most peoples claims so if you already have it it means there won't be any delay.

Good Luck with this new chapter of your life

Joons

Well done! Good for you, you tried to fix him but he's not fixable, it's not your job, even a nun would struggle to work him out - he's a troubled soul indeed and won't change, it's too late for him to be happy but not for you, keep us updated and as for being a single parent, you're joining the other 50% of the population so sure you'll find it a breeze, esp after what you've put up with.

sanfrancisco

londonsurrey wrote: »

I was very impressed by your opening post, OP. The list of abuses is heartbreaking, but your awareness and ability to identify it firmly as abuse points to an unusual level of maturity for someone in the middle of the trauma of abuse. It bodes well for your daughter to have a mother like you to make the decisions that count.

I agree.

You post made me sit up. It is so eloquent.

Be brave. Say "Bring it on". We are walking with you.

olibrofiz

Ah OP, I feel for you, really, really, do. I was in a relationship very similar to that with DD's dad, your post just brought it all back. I stayed because we had DD and I wanted it to work, but eventually I walked away.

You're not any of the things he says you are, he's just picking at you because he is unhappy with himself, and you're his scapegoat.

I will never forgive my EX for many, many things, but in particular for dumping DD, in her carrycot, in the bathroom on her first night home and physically stopping me from going to her. The next morning I went to her and she was covered in vomit. I stood up to him, and he moved permanently into the spare room.

Big hugs to you, it'll be hard, but in the long run, really worth the break xxx

3WayFreedom

olibrofiz wrote: »

Ah OP, I feel for you, really, really, do. I was in a relationship very similar to that with DD's dad, your post just brought it all back. I stayed because we had DD and I wanted it to work, but eventually I walked away.

You're not any of the things he says you are, he's just picking at you because he is unhappy with himself, and you're his scapegoat.

I will never forgive my EX for many, many things, but in particular for dumping DD, in her carrycot, in the bathroom on her first night home and physically stopping me from going to her. The next morning I went to her and she was covered in vomit. I stood up to him, and he moved permanently into the spare room.

Big hugs to you, it'll be hard, but in the long run, really worth the break xxx

Well done in getting away from him and giving your DD the life she deserves; he sounds like a vile, vile man. x x

Thanks again folks...:kisses3:...it means a lot.

The catalyst for me leaving aka the straw that broke the camel's back was the barrage of abuse after I had eaten some chocolate biscuits...."f**king mobidly obese...physical wreck...fat when you met me and always will be...trying to kill our daughter by showing her unhealthy habits..." This happened at the start of this week. Anyway last night came the "oops what have I done, is she really leaving this time?" attitude. You know how it is...being nice, making me a cup of tea, a kiss on the top of my head as I sat wrapping Christmas presents.
Then he got big tears in his eyes and said how much he would miss his baby daughter. Don't get too excited folks...an apology never escaped from those toxic lips. He has apologised maybe 5 times in eleven years...ironic really as I found myself apologising all the time.
I didn't react to any of last night's actions, I am just going through the motions until I move out. 'Keep it calm, keep it civil, we have a daughter to consider'...I keep saying that to myself over and over.

A small but important footnote: I have lost 7 lbs in the last two weeks...apart from my choccy biccy treat I have eaten healithly and taken her babyship out for a good hours walk everyday. I have decided to get myself physically, emotionally and mentally fit and fantastic. I am sure I will have the odd wobble...but all you lovely people have made me feel as though I can and deserve to really be at my very best. X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

Sambucus_Nigra

Good on you 3 way - keep up the good work.

Next time he kisses you on the head, perhaps flick him the vs. Or the middle finger. Knobber.

3WayFreedom

Continued....And also last night...I found out OH's mother is ignoring him again. If he doesn't say things she wants to hear she ignores him for a few days. He never says anything out of order to his mother as he loves her very much and idolises her but she still plays the 'withdrawal of communication' card if disgruntled.

My OH says he had a good childhood but has said in the past he had seen his mother having sex with another man whilst his dad was at work; he wouldn't stay on his potty when he was a toddler so she would put him and the potty on top of a dressing table so he wouldn't move off it; children got a 'crack' if they stepped out of line; she laughs when she recalls him falling off a toy truck; she left to go and live with a physically abusive man leaving the kids behind etc...add all this to the example set on how to control people and stifle them with verbal abuse, criticism and withdrawal..and you have my OH.

My FIL and I have recently shared a few texts. He has had problems with her attitude for years (he is insecure in a different way to me - he is very possessive and suspicious - his father was a tyrant too) anyways me and the FIL discussed how similar my OH and his mother are. She calls her husband names, insults his manhood, mocks him for been old and 'past it', slams doors when he is in bed after a night shift, refuses to cook for him, witholds sex and affection, ignores him for weeks etc. Apparently she is currently upsetting her other grandchildren by threatening to "crack" one of them and the other one she has emotionally black mailed to tears.
My FIL also believes she is currently being unfaithful...as you can see my OH is an apple that hasn't fallen far from the tree.
AS far as I understand she has fallen out with ALL her family except for one son who lives 300 miles away. She doesn't speak to her mother, father, sisters, brother, grandchildren, children, husband...but it is all their fault...it's not her...she is the victim...

My FIL is staying with his wife because he loves her and hopes things will change...I personally don't believe they can; it's a personality disorder so entrenched serious professional help is required.