Passive Aggressive - Emotionally Abusive Partner - Anyone else?

whitewing

Your children will be so much happier when you aren't being treated like dirt. He is abusive.

LannieDuck

Great news about your aunt

I think you'll find it easier to live on your own than you think - you've been doing it anyway, and you won't have his criticisms and belittling to cope with. And you won't have to tidy up after him!

Sambucus_Nigra

If this was happening to one of my nieces I'd do the same. Run like the wind from this excuse for a man. And don't look back.

First step is deciding it's time. Well done so far.

Xxx

Ada_Doom

Your original post is one of the saddest I have read on here. My mother left my abusive father when I was 6 months old, after years of abuse directed at my mum and older sister. The last time he attacked my mum and she escaped to my grans for the night my older sister asked her "please lets not go back" cos my sister was scared for me. So we never went back, and I had a safe childhood away from my abusive dad, thanks to my brave mum and big sister deciding that they wanted to keep me safe from him.

You can do it too for you and your kids. I wish you all the luck in the world x

Loanranger

You are a brave lady and I salute you for your articulate post but more so for dealing with a very difficult person.

This man has many of the symptoms of a personality disorder: Narcissistic personality disorder. It's very clear from your post that he is not going to change until he receives psychiatric help but this is not your problem so don't give him another thought.
I am concerned about the wisdom of you moving out of the family home with your child. He should be out, not you. Can you go to see a family law solicitor and ask advice on this point before you do anything else?

Supernatural

Many good wishes OP, the faster you can break free from this cretin the better.

CH27

3WayFreedom wrote: »

Thank you all for your input. I am very touched...and feeling quite weepy because you're all being so nice.

I am currently saving up to move out (doing all MSE type stuff to get the money together.) I should have enough together by mid January. I am a stay at home mum and cannot afford to pay the mortgage of our family home...(Purchased in the last 5 year...no equity in it)...so I shall have to lose everything and move into rented accomodation. I will gain back my peace of mind, my freedom, the ability to make daily decisions and choices without having them critiqued...a worthy swap. And most importantly...ensuring my daughter's future isn't laid out has mine has been.

Thanks again. x x x

Keep tight hold of this & contact Women's Aid ASAP.

3WayFreedom

Loanranger wrote: »

You are a brave lady and I salute you for your articulate post but more so for dealing with a very difficult person.

This man has many of the symptoms of a personality disorder: Narcissistic personality disorder. It's very clear from your post that he is not going to change until he receives psychiatric help but this is not your problem so don't give him another thought.
I am concerned about the wisdom of you moving out of the family home with your child. He should be out, not you. Can you go to see a family law solicitor and ask advice on this point before you do anything else?

He does have moments of clarity (very fleeting) when he says he can see what he is doing and is making the same mistakes as his mother but he can't seem to help himself when he is in 'nasty' mode. For years I felt very sorry for him...if he was sad I would do anything I could to make him feel better...if he felt pain, I did. However if I was ever in pain/worried/unhappy (usually caused by him) he could happily walk past me and ignore my tears...I think my tears almost gave him validation that I still cared and he held the power in the relationship...so to continue being nasty and making me more upset would continue to give him the validation he needed.

I used to surf the internet for days trying to work out what was wrong with him...how can somebody be so nice (actually he wasn't been nice, he was been NORMAL) one day and then be so incredibly verbally abusive the next? It tortured me for a years...if only I could do something to make things better; if only I could make him happy; if only I could turn myself inside out even further and jump higher hoops he will stop being so mean and show he loves me.

As all you people know...it never happens...the higher I jumped...the nastier he got. I totally agree with you, he needs psychiatric help to ever stand a chance of being 'a normal caring human being.' I eventually came across the personality disorder 'passive aggressive' and it described him to the ground...add in a bit of narcissism and that's him.

About three months ago I realised I didn't care what the matter with him was...I no longer had the energy or the desire to change him. If he couldn't become a better person for his daughter, he was a lost cause. So I started saving up...and here I am today...a couple of weeks away from making a new life.

Thanks for all the support again folks...means a lot. :blushing:

3WayFreedom

Loanranger wrote: »

You are a brave lady and I salute you for your articulate post but more so for dealing with a very difficult person.

This man has many of the symptoms of a personality disorder: Narcissistic personality disorder. It's very clear from your post that he is not going to change until he receives psychiatric help but this is not your problem so don't give him another thought.
I am concerned about the wisdom of you moving out of the family home with your child. He should be out, not you. Can you go to see a family law solicitor and ask advice on this point before you do anything else?

Thank you for your concern Loanranger. x x

I am not signing myself off the mortgage untilI have had legal advice...however the house has no equity in it and I cant afford the huge mortgage payments. My O/H who is in debt, can't afford to pay me out at the moment. I need to have a few months away from the situation to see the mortgage side of things with more clarity.

I don't want to make him intentionally homeless because as much as he is a horrific partner, he is a okay/good dad. He adores his daughter and even though has never really helped during the night or got her up etc he spends time with her, reads to her, bathes her, takes her out for visits to petting zoos and swimming baths etc. It is me he has the problem with...I am the figure that represents his mean, cruel mother and as he cannot/dare not verbally lash out at her and tell her how she made him feel as a child...he knows he could take it out on me and I would take it.
So at least being at home, my daughter has a safe clean place to visit her dad...in a nice area with low crime rates and neighbours that aren't drug dealers etc

He has already set up a standing order for maintainence with no quibbles. He has always been a good provider (works hard...at work anyway) and makes sure his daughter has everything she needs.

I am hoping everything will run smoothly; he accepts it's truly over, I move out easily and he has regular contact with his little girl. Only time will tell. x x

seven-day-weekend

It made me cry when I read about the little child who said that they liked it when daddy wasn't there because he couldn't make their mum cry, as far as I can see there is no choice but to leave if your child has those images in their head, you will do them permanent damage if you stay.

I wish the OP well and hope she finds the strength to leave this nasty, bullying man, for her own and her lttle girl's sake.