Passive Aggressive - Emotionally Abusive Partner - Anyone else?

Mojisola

Quote - As there is no physical abuse and no immediate threat I don't know what Woman's Refuge can really do to help at the moment and I don't want to take away the resources from a woman that really needs their help.

It's a common misunderstanding that a person has to suffer physical abuse before they can get help. Although all abuse is despicable, the emotional and psychological affects can be the hardest to recover from.

Look at the first things on the list here - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence
What are the signs of domestic violence?
Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

LannieDuck

3WayFreedom wrote: »

We have a joint mortgage as I was working up until having little one last August.

That's good. It means if you leave him in the house he'll have to buy you out or you'll be able to force a sale and get your capital back. (I can understand why you'd prefer to leave than to try and get him to leave...). See if you can get a copy of the various paperwork connected with the house before you leave.

I have my own bank account...I have been scrimping and saving for a couple of months. I have just over £600...hopefully by Jan I will hit the thousand pound mark and have enough for a months rent and months deposit that I need to move out. I did ring the council and I am on the housing list...but very low down and the wait is around 5 years.

Sounds like you're all sorted on this front. Is there any mileage in seeing if you can borrow the last £400 from friends/family and get out before xmas?

He is very over-drawn and there is no money to take but I have the child benefit, Ebay, poll and money given as Xmas gifts in my "freedom" account.

Well that avoids that moral quandry! But it does raise the issue of debts. Are there any overdrawn accounts that have your name on, and are there any where you could get your name removed?

Partner knows I am leaving...he told me to taking my fat f**king self off to another place after eating the three chocolate biscuits. He doesn't know when though...I feel he will try and stop me...first by being nice, then by been degrading and finally by using emotional blackmail over our daughter.

Actually, that makes things easier - less sneaking around He probably will try and stop you, but now you've got it all written down, you can just come back and read this thread. As for trying to use your daughter, I'm pretty sure that'll work against him - she's the primary motivating reason for you getting out :T

As there is no physical abuse and no immediate threat I don't know what Woman's Refuge can really do to help at the moment and I don't want to take away the resources from a woman that really needs their help.

Oh honey, this counts. This is emotional abuse and I think a little support could make a huge difference. At least give them a ring and have a chat. See what they say.

I will be in touch with SureStart as soon as I moved asI hope to join a few of their baby clubs as I currently feel quite friendless and isolated.

I'm pretty sure they have support for domestic abuse as well as all the good stuff they do with mum+baby groups. You could try dropping into your local one before you move and just see if they have any assistance they can give. Nothing to stop you joining the centres that you move to as well.

the world I have lived in for the last 11 years isn't normal

From all you've written, it's really really not.

Good luck, it sounds as if you've got a good plan in place.

daska

Why wait. What you describe is abuse - emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical because it's not so easy to spot until it's done more damage.

If he's at work then ring WomensAid NOW and see what you can sort out. Wouldn't you love to wake up on Xmas morning knowing that you were free?

delain

Some councils run a scheme where they'll pay the deposit and rent in advance, the OP should look into this, rather than being stuck with him due to lack of money. If he finds out she has some money hidden he'll force her to hand it over and then where will she be?

Twiceblessed

When i read OP's post I just wanted to cry, nobody should suffer that kind of treatment. I survived in an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years. The sooner you can get out the better. It will be two years on Christmas Eve of "freedom" and although my life isnt perfect I know the life myself and my children have is so much better.

Joons

What at articulate and interesting piece of writing, you're clearly an intelligent lady, why are you with a creature like that, he's one horrible person, can't for my life of me think why you're still there.

marisco_2

You are so strong and wise. You know why, because you can see the harm abuse does. You have lived it your whole life you poor love. You know that if you dont leave this pathetic cretin you are with, then there is the danger that your beautiful daughter will suffer now and later on in life. Stop the dangerous cycle that abuse is and leave. Let yourself and your daughter live in peace and start to enjoy life. You both desperately deserve that

RAS

3WayFreedom wrote: »

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I am currently saving up to move out (doing all MSE type stuff to get the money together.) I should have enough together by mid January. I am a stay at home mum and cannot afford to pay the mortgage of our family home...(Purchased in the last 5 year...no equity in it)...so I shall have to lose everything and move into rented accomodation. I will gain back my peace of mind, my freedom, the ability to make daily decisions and choices without having them critiqued...a worthy swap. And most importantly...ensuring my daughter's future isn't laid out has mine has been.

Hi. Please speak to Women's Aid as they can help you get both housing and financial support to do this.

clearing out wrote a really good post recently to a women thinking of leaving; basically photocopy everything so that whatever hapopens you have evidence of the state of accounts at the end of the relationship (even of their existence).

Do check what benefit support you might get - there is working tax credit, child tax credit and mortgage interest support for example - see https://www.turn2us.org.uk. With CSa from homself, you may be able to manage the mortgage capital?

londonsurrey

I was very impressed by your opening post, OP. The list of abuses is heartbreaking, but your awareness and ability to identify it firmly as abuse points to an unusual level of maturity for someone in the middle of the trauma of abuse. It bodes well for your daughter to have a mother like you to make the decisions that count.

alwaysonthego_2

I divorced my abusive ex husband, your post reminded me of how he was with me, I had two young children who was noticing what was going on. You are the strong one, he is the weak one xx