Passive Aggressive - Emotionally Abusive Partner - Anyone else?

3WayFreedom

Anybody else live with/married to a passive aggressive/emotionally abusive person?

How’s the last 11 years been?

I could never do anything right…one of his little sayings “you are a jack of all trades and a master of none.”

I am needy because I want affection…kind words…companionship.

I had a menial job (when I worked at a Residential Home for 14 years.) When I pulled 90 hour weeks…I still did all the house work…fed everybody and toddled off to work as he chatted up other women on the internet…dating sites…fake FaceBook IDs. Women at work had his mobile number and text him inappropriately; he courted it…women he met at Rugby he continued to converse with…the dental nurse he made romantic gestures towards even though we had discussed having children an hour previously.

My migraines and myofascal syndrome are nothing…I should pull myself together and get a paracetamol.

My tears for my grandmother six months after her death were ‘pathetic,I should pull myself together.’ When my grandma was suffering from dementia and I worried about her falling at home…I had an emergency phone call from her at 2am in the morning, I had to jog to her house in the middle of the night because he wouldn’t take me in the car…he was tired.

I had a lump in my breast…care and compassion? Nope…”what can I do? Nothing…it won’t be cancer anyway.”

‘Do I have to take you to the doctors again with your “dizziness?”…move to a doctor that is closer so you can take yourself.’

‘This dinner is cold…hard…undercooked…occasionally you makesomething edible’… if he is in a good mood though.

I am a lax, lazy parent because my teenage son doesn’t have a job.

It’s my fault my abusive ex-boyfriend of 20 years ago is the father of my child…I should have picked better. 20 years on…the ex-boyfriend doesn’t beat me over the head with the fact…my current one does.

I am ‘putting’ on him when I ask him to do anything for my family. For his family…we can drive 180 miles…humour their passive aggressive mental problems...pay for holidays…give money…help out when they lock themselves out of their car…etc

I am morbidly obese and a physical wreck. I am never stop grazing. I am fat and undisciplined. I am greedy.

I am crap in bed; I won’t ride him enough and I just lay there like a bag of spanners. (sorry if too much info)

My kid is lazy, rude and selfish…(his is 21 now)…my wonderful partner has been calling him this since he was 10. He has never said it to my child's face...always grinding on in my ear because it upset me so much. If I ever told my son off (which was rare as I am a softie) he would almost glow with pleasure.

I can’t do anything on my own, I am co-dependant… because I don’t drive. I am incapable.

I always let people down…because I alter doctors and dentist appointments.

He sulked for a week when I ate one of his Cadbury’s Cream Eggs…five days when my son ate one of his pot noodles…now, I am fast tracking to morbid obesity and I am a mess because I ate three chocolate biscuits. (I am two stone over weight...chunky not obese.)

Christmas and birthdays…they aren’t celebrated with any great joy, he goes through the motions. Gifts…nice sentiments in cards…even a cuddle in front of the fire…not a chance.

Holidays…sulked for two days in Calella…can’t remember the reason why...ruined that hoilday. – Had me crying on York Station when we went away for a week. The night before (after a goodnight at a pub quiz) I bought a chicken burger on the way home…he didn’t want one. So he called me “fat” and then ignored me until the next morning. In Germany as we climbed down a mountain (with only 250mls of water) in 40 degree sunshine, I needed more water than that because “I was so big.” In Italy, I didn’t want to go to Venice as I had very bad cysitis …made worse sitting on a coach. He didn’t go toVenice either (even though he could have) and proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the day…he was angry, so he was going to make damn sure I was miserable.

The first and only night I brought our new baby into ‘our’ bed it was 4am… She started to cry at 5am…he tutted,threw the covers back and stormed downstairs. She still hasn’t slept a night in the same room as her dad…or been seen to at night by her dad…or got up by her dad and she is now 15 months old. However see sleeps with me every night and has done since she was born...she isn't suffering because of his inability to be loving.

Three days after having a c-section I was asked “Why I hadn’t cleaned the bath out?” I wasn’t helped with the baby…the pots got washed three or four times and he made lots of meals to help out…three ham sandwiches. I spent 12 months having sleep deprivation…sore breasts…dizziness…headache…postnatal depression…and did he lay off the verbal abuse…nope, he got meaner than ever.

I have horrible legs…I 'wish' I looked like my sister…I wear my hair like Karen Matthews…I make the bathroom smell…I am odd because I have a poo everyday…I am incompetent…I am weak...I am a fat greasy slag…I am “knittingneedles” because I had an abortion at 16…

If covert abuse…or outright name calling isn’t the dish ofthe day…let’s us the sulking tool. Ignore me for days on end…whilst sat howling with laughter at TV programmes…this let’s me know it’s ALL my fault. And the smirks…the pleasure he gets if I cry or lose my temper.

If he is cross with me…and really wants to hurt me…he ignores the baby. Or he used to…now he can’t as she comes running up to himwith her arms out.

He leaves lights on…the telly on in an empty room…pee in the toilet…shaving cream all over…dirty knives and plates on work surfaces…cups by his P.C for days…envelopes from letters lying around…but if anyone else does it…wow does the criticizing begin.

Physical affection is rare, brief and usually a prelude to wanting sex. Sex is about twice a year…again my fault for not instigating it.

We are in debt…again all my fault…if you forget the two flat screen tellies, three motorbikes, new moped, two new PCs…three Labradors…boysbike trips away…that he insists upon.

I am not worthy of marrying…even though he was previously married to an old drunk that stole from him, wouldn’t allow him to masterbate, has an IQ of 12 and worst of all put all her children into care…and I am still seen as beneath her. The mother of his child,the faithful, loyal female that once cared enough to try and make him happy. To be honest…I would rather use a hungry Anaconda as a neck scarf than marry someone that has such huge mental problems.

And this behaviour will never get better because it is a learnt behaviour from his delectable mother…you control people through withdrawal and abuse…he has seen it…been at the brunt of it and learnt the lesson well. Not forgetting…it’s all my fault anyway so it’s me that needs to change.

That is true in one way…I do need to change. I have enabled him; with my forgiving nature, my fear of rejection, my need to please people,my thirst for acceptance. My self-esteem was repairing when I met him…he has taken it, built it up a little more in the first year and then as soon as I was emotionally in love with him, he went to task on eradicating every last shred of self-acceptance and happiness.

Why have I put up with this? My father was a drunk (he had a very bad childhood) and was emotionally unavailable. I tried so hard to get him to love me...I tried so hard to be perfect...and I was still never as wonderful as my brother. When I was 20, my father quit the alcohol and though it was tough...we got closer and closer and when he was dying of cancer I became his confident and nursed him to the end.
But it was too late by then...the need to be with a man that hurt me and wouldn't give me approval no matter how many hoops I jumped through was entrenched within me.

I know not a lot in this world…I only know my experience of it…however I do know one thing: he isn’t making my baby into a nasty, passive aggressive,deeply miserable person. If I could never leave for myself (because I really don't feel worthy)…I can leave for my baby because she is.

Sorry it's so long...it just all kind of tumbled out. x

divorcingjack

3wayfreedom, I don't have any useful advice for you, but I wanted to weep reading your post.

You and your beautiful daughter deserve so much better than this and I was heartened to see that you can gather the strength for HER. But, don't forget about you - you can get yourself back and you will look back on this period in your life and wonder how anyone ever made you feel so small. To have survived, you are a powerful and strong woman. I wish I could give you a hug.

dj xxxx

Incapuppy

I didn't want to read and run either but dear God, please get as far away from this monster as soon as possible; you and your daughter are worth so much more than this.

daska

It's time to leave.

You'll get all the help you need from WomensAid and all the support you want on here from people who've been in similar situations.

Best of luck

Frith

I used to. I got divorced!

I left for my children too (I think without them I would probably have lasted a few more years).

I'm sorry to read all you have been through. I think you know what to do and there is plenty of help out there.

Sorry this is brief but didn't want to read and run.

shortdog

Please please please leave.
The worst conversation I have ever had with my daughter began with the immortal sentence "Mummy, I like it when Daddys not here, because he's not mean to you and you don't cry". She was 4, and it broke my heart - I hadn't realised that she knew what was going on. I decided that day I was never going back, and me and the kids started again with nothing.
Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse.
You know what you need to do, so please do it, speak to Womens Aid, they are amazing people, who will help you make the break.
Good luck.

aliasojo

This 'man' is not a loving partner. He's not even a particularly nice human being.

You have every right to feel as you do, everything you have written clearly points to someone who is unable to care for someone else in the way that most of us would. His treatment of you is wrong. No potential mitigating circumstances, no potential reasons why he does as he does, it's just wrong. End of.

So what do you do now?

Do you continue to put up with it? Do you allow your child to absorb this influence as she grows? Children don't need to physically see what's going on to sense unease.

Or do you accept that this route was the wrong one and you get off the road at the next junction? You already know this is what you need to do going by your last comments, so start planning and use your feelings to your advantage.

I wish you luck, it's never easy changing things but the end result is usually worth it.

3WayFreedom

Thank you all for your input. I am very touched...and feeling quite weepy because you're all being so nice.

I am currently saving up to move out (doing all MSE type stuff to get the money together.) I should have enough together by mid January. I am a stay at home mum and cannot afford to pay the mortgage of our family home...(Purchased in the last 5 year...no equity in it)...so I shall have to lose everything and move into rented accomodation. I will gain back my peace of mind, my freedom, the ability to make daily decisions and choices without having them critiqued...a worthy swap. And most importantly...ensuring my daughter's future isn't laid out has mine has been.

Thanks again. x x x

please-let-me-be-lucky

Please get out of this relationship. Would you allow your daughter to stay with such a man?? That's what will happen if you show her it's 'normal' to live that way.

I know it's easy for us all to say and hard for you to actually do it, but you have to see how toxic he is. You deserve much better. His Mum hurt him by bringing him up that way, don't let the cycle continue with your daughter.

I too am the daughter of an alcoholic and everything you said about coming together at the end rings true. My Mum stayed with my Dad for the sake of my sister and I. I honestly wish she hadn't. Dad passed away 6 years ago, Mum is ecstatically happy with a lovely new guy and they've been together 18 months. He treats her well and I'm thrilled for her. You could be happy one day too.

Big hugs Xx

please-let-me-be-lucky

Oops we cross posted! Thrilled to read your last post. you can do it Xx

aliasojo

3WayFreedom wrote: »

Thank you all for your input. I am very touched...and feeling quite weepy because you're all being so nice.

I am currently saving up to move out (doing all MSE type stuff to get the money together.) I should have enough together by mid January. I am a stay at home mum and cannot afford to pay the mortgage of our family home...(Purchased in the last 5 year...no equity in it)...so I shall have to lose everything and move into rented accomodation. I will gain back my peace of mind, my freedom, the ability to make daily decisions and choices without having them critiqued...a worthy swap. And most importantly...ensuring my daughter's future isn't laid out has mine has been.

Thanks again. x x x

When you waver (as you invariably will) try hard to keep this in mind.

Good luck.