At breaking point...

carefullycautious

You sound as if you are frozen to the spot with all the thoughts going round in your head.

Believe me material things can and will be replaced, you and your sons mental well being cant be. You need to get out with the help of the domestic violence people.

Wish you all the best for your future

Morton37

Speaking as a man I find this thread incredibly disturbing.

I can guarantee that there are two sides to this particular story, and that we have only heard one side.

None of us knows anything about the complexities of this relationship but what I find so disturbing is how some people have rushed to condemn this man as some kind of evil abusive monster. It strikes me as more of a case of a relationship that's simply hit the rocks. It's time for both of them to move on (although I appreciate that will be a painful process for both of them). No point in apportioning blame or trying to get a medal off the womens charities for victim status.

People are too quick to demonise men. The language on this thread is far too hysterical. I'm not saying this man is without his faults, but to suggest that he is cunning and manipulative simply because he has good and bad moods is anti-male paranoia gone too far.

Find me one woman who doesn't have good and bad moods!

We have no idea what pressures this man is facing. Maybe he also feels hated, unloved, belittled, worthless, walking on eggshells, etc etc. Maybe he also feels like there's no escape, and that he doesn't know where to turn for support.

In recent years the definitions of abuse have changed, thanks to these womens charities. If a man slams the door or raises his voice (no matter what kind of provocation or stress he may be under), it's classed as "violent behaviour".

But if a woman slams the door or raises her voice, it's a cathartic release of pent-up trauma and emotion....... in other words, it's still the man's fault.

Anyway, my best wishes to the OP for the future. Bad relationships are no fun at the best of times but even worse at Christmas.

Mrs.W_2

Morton37 wrote: »

Speaking as a man I find this thread incredibly disturbing.

I can guarantee that there are two sides to this particular story, and that we have only heard one side.

None of us knows anything about the complexities of this relationship but what I find so disturbing is how some people have rushed to condemn this man as some kind of evil abusive monster. It strikes me as more of a case of a relationship that's simply hit the rocks. It's time for both of them to move on (although I appreciate that will be a painful process for both of them). No point in apportioning blame or trying to get a medal off the womens charities for victim status.

People are too quick to demonise men. The language on this thread is far too hysterical. I'm not saying this man is without his faults, but to suggest that he is cunning and manipulative simply because he has good and bad moods is anti-male paranoia gone too far.

Find me one woman who doesn't have good and bad moods!

We have no idea what pressures this man is facing. Maybe he also feels hated, unloved, belittled, worthless, walking on eggshells, etc etc. Maybe he also feels like there's no escape, and that he doesn't know where to turn for support.

In recent years the definitions of abuse have changed, thanks to these womens charities. If a man slams the door or raises his voice (no matter what kind of provocation or stress he may be under), it's classed as "violent behaviour".

But if a woman slams the door or raises her voice, it's a cathartic release of pent-up trauma and emotion....... in other words, it's still the man's fault.

Anyway, my best wishes to the OP for the future. Bad relationships are no fun at the best of times but even worse at Christmas.

In OP's experience, the negative behaviour from her partner has been prolonged, and seems to stem from his personality rather than a 'mood'.

A great many of the people (regardless of gender) who take the time to reply in threads on the subject of domestic abuse offer advice from personal experience. So, should the OP be in need of the support systems that helped them, they are ideally placed to advise and assist the OP.

The bit in bold is the kind of propaganda that makes the work of charities supporting women and men through domestic abuse all the harder. It tells people who are most vulnerable in an abusive relationship that they are not being subjected to abuse, they're just experiencing their partner in a bad mood.

Also, the abusive partner is still able to kid themselves they're not doing anthing so bad, "She/he/the kid needs to understand I'm under a lot of pressure..." And the myriad of other hackneyed excuses that white-wash abusive behaviour.

There are bad relationships and then there are untenable relationships where the most vulnerable are unable to leave for many reasons. Morton, the charities you mentioned are there to help those in untenable situations.


ETA:
If the kind of foggy thinking used in the above post comes back into fashion, I can foresee the phrase, "Oh, I walked into the door." coming back into style too.

daisychains12

Morton37 wrote: »

Speaking as a man I find this thread incredibly disturbing.

I can guarantee that there are two sides to this particular story, and that we have only heard one side.

None of us knows anything about the complexities of this relationship but what I find so disturbing is how some people have rushed to condemn this man as some kind of evil abusive monster. It strikes me as more of a case of a relationship that's simply hit the rocks. It's time for both of them to move on (although I appreciate that will be a painful process for both of them). No point in apportioning blame or trying to get a medal off the womens charities for victim status.

People are too quick to demonise men. The language on this thread is far too hysterical. I'm not saying this man is without his faults, but to suggest that he is cunning and manipulative simply because he has good and bad moods is anti-male paranoia gone too far.

Find me one woman who doesn't have good and bad moods!

We have no idea what pressures this man is facing. Maybe he also feels hated, unloved, belittled, worthless, walking on eggshells, etc etc. Maybe he also feels like there's no escape, and that he doesn't know where to turn for support.

In recent years the definitions of abuse have changed, thanks to these womens charities. If a man slams the door or raises his voice (no matter what kind of provocation or stress he may be under), it's classed as "violent behaviour".

But if a woman slams the door or raises her voice, it's a cathartic release of pent-up trauma and emotion....... in other words, it's still the man's fault.

Anyway, my best wishes to the OP for the future. Bad relationships are no fun at the best of times but even worse at Christmas.

All I can say is you don't have a clue.

Most of the people that have commented do understand my situation. My partner is abusive. Being forced to have sex against my will/being sworn at, put down constantly, shouted at, having mine and my sons belongings thrown at walls when hes in a rage, being guilt tripped into 'staying in' all the time, being accused of cheating etc isnt acceptable behaviour from any man. Nor is my relationship hitting the rocks. I have been in healthy relationships with the normal arguments and shouting every so often don't get me wrong, however this is not the same as those relationships, thing hence why I know I need to get out. No way am I looking for a medal off womens domestic violence charities or to look like a victim, GET A GRIP!!!!! I even said in one of my posts, if possible and for the sake of OUR son, I would like to remain amicable. He doesn't want the relationship to end, its all about power and control but I can't be bothered to explain to someone as narrow minded as yourself. Your whole post is quite frankly a total insult to myself and the thousands of other women suffering under the control of these type of men. Me, and none of the other women suffering deserve this.

Thanks everyone else for their positive comments and advice. merry christmas x

marisco_2

daisychains12 wrote: »

Your whole post is quite frankly a total insult to myself and the thousands of other women suffering under the control of these type of men. Me, and none of the other women suffering deserve this.

Thanks everyone else for their positive comments and advice. merry christmas x

Daisy you are stronger than you will ever know. What you have been through is horrific and not to be underestimated. When you do decide to walk away from the misery being inflicted on you, you will be fine hun. I would like to take this opportunity to wish yourself and your son a very happy xmas and I hope 2013 will be all you are both hoping for.

marisco_2

wapow wrote: »

Great post Morten37.

See how most of the women in here all jump to assumptions based on what a troll decided to make up?

So they make a new account for what? Talk rubbish? Belittle a common sense logical rational comment made by a man?

Hes right that youre all only heard one side of the story.

There are two sides to a coin.

What if he came on here and said the exact same things about the OP?

Its his against her words.

Get a grip people. Show her the support channels but dont side with her until you know the full sketch. Muppets.

What an incredibly rude post. Then you have the nerve to refer to people who have come on here and tried to help someone as muppets. How does that give anything you say any credence?

I have suffered abuse. It got to the stage where the police put my house on immediate response and told me I was at their highest level of risk.

Many of the posters on here have also suffered it. They recognised what the OP was suffering by things she said were going on and comments made to her by her husband.

Fair enough we dont have both sides of the story. You never do get that on these forums. What people have done is gone on what they have been advised, by someone who appears to be in a desperate situation, and tried to guide her.

skipsmum

We don't need both sides of the story. If someone posts here because they are scared to leave we don't need to know the partners opinions.
If someone is "walking on eggshells" and "scared to leave" they are at risk of domestic violence and need support and help.

Mojisola

skipsmum wrote: »

We don't need both sides of the story.

It also doesn't matter if any particular thread is "true" or "exaggerated". Someone who is in exactly that position may be helped a lot by reading the replies.

Morton - If you don't want to answer until you've heard both sides, you need to train as a counsellor and not use forums.

marisco_2

Daisy I dont know if you will be on here today, but just in case I would like to wish you and your little boy a happy Xmas, and to let you know I am thinking of you. I hope today will be special for you both. Take care hun and please let us know that you are okay if you can.

daisychains12

I left this thread once nasty comments were being made, at the time these were too much to read with what I was having to deal with.
I have finally left (one month ago) after almost 6 years of abuse. The abuse was getting worse and worse and I managed to somehow pluck up the courage to speak to womens aid when I was having thoughts of ending my own life.
They were an amazing help and took me seriously as most people on this thread did. My case was reffered to marac and my ex partner gave up the tenancy once he knew I had several recordings of him sexually assaulting me. I have also had the locks changed. I am nowhere near fixed, I think it will take me years to come to terms and deal with everything that has happened.. still am getting moments of elation followed by huge lows and voids in my life, I was so used to being told what to do.
The hardest thing I have ever done but also the most satisfying.
I read stories on here whilst I stopped posting about women that had escaped and I felt inspired but also convinced that my destiny was to die with this man - never thought I'd have the courage to walk away and be as brave as these women but I am so proud to say that now I have done that.
Thankyou for everyone that gave me support on this thread, took me a long time to get out, but I did it.