At breaking point...

Mojisola

[QUOTE=marisco;57685069
It is a well known fact that abuse is inflicted in patterns. There are times when you are treated well. This is to give you glimpses of what this person can be to you. Just enough to keep you where they want you.
[/QUOTE]

Take everything marisco says to heart!

I'd just like to add this pattern also makes you doubt your own judgment - look how nice he can be - it must be my fault, I must be upsetting him when he's nasty to me, etc.

daska

Everything you write screams abuse - especially the bit about not being believed!

Don't worry about who gets what fridge and who gets what sofa

RING WOMENSAID

(sorry for shouting but this is what you need to do)

dancingfairy

Seriously normal people do not flipfrom being nice to not niceandbackagain. That is a classic abuse warning bell. The only reasons they do it is forcontrol, to keep youguessing and to get you to question yourself and your ownjudgement. The only other reason is if they have some kind of mental illness. Whichever it is is irrelevant as it's clearly not healthy.
Get advice and get out.
df

daisychains12

Thanks everyone for the advice, I have just had a chance to read and catch up on everything.

I think before posting this I realised his behaviour was unacceptable but hadn't really classed it as abuse. I can't really bring myself to ring womens aid right now. Actually speaking about it I know will be quite hard and in a funny was I will feel like I am betraying my OH.

Saying that, I have been able to tell my manager snippets of whats been going on and it was a huge relief. I was being praised for all my work and i was reduced to tears cos I hadn't heard such kind words for so long. I didn't go into major detail with her, but shes aware he didn't want me working/said I would never be any use to anyone/has massive jealousy issues. She was very supportive and said the company would support me in anyway possible.. eg: if I needed time off/more hours if we did break up, so I do feel like there are people backing me up. In a way its a relief someone knows, and its nice that she responded in a positive way. I know some managers would look at and think its a massive risk keeping like someone like me on.

Right now everything is quite stable so I feel like a total fraud even posting. I read through all my posts and I just know i need to leave, he just has such a massive hold on me, emotionally, financially etc. Its so hard. I am stupid for worrying about who will get appliances etc, I think i'm just trying to think of the practical things I can deal with to make my life more simple as they are much easier to deal with than the emotional side of things. I have had a look on womens aid website and theres lots of helpful advice on there, I feel like a fool for letting it go on so long. I am trying to build up enough courage to ring them and speak to someone. Does anyone know what they will say/ask? I know it sounds stupid but i'm worried they will just give up on me if I say I am not ready to leave. I just want to be ready when it does happen.

I just can't understand how I am ever meant to get away with his constantly changing moods. Just when I have had enough he is back to being nice as pie. For a couple of years I didn't understand any of it, but now I do. It just makes no sense at all. I wish he could either be consistently nice, or consistently horrible so I knew where I stood. At least if he was ALWAYS horrible it wouldn't be so hard walking away from it all.

I can't move in with my parents as there isn't space. If we broke up I think he'd have to end up moving out. I sort of hope hes sensible enough to realise that DS is the most important one in all of this and if I can sort of keep stuff as stable as possible that would be best. On the subject of DS...I would ideally still like him to have his father in his life. Does anyone know how this would work? How do you arrange contact etc and how do you stop yourself getting emotionally involved again, as I guess we will still have to talk when discussing ds.

God I just don't know. I feel so weak even posting like this. I am so indecisive and some people are in far worse situations. I just need to get on with it. Feel so so pathetic and stupid for not just walking away now.:(

daska

WomensAid won't give up on you, they'll provide the support you need until you're ready to leave, they'll help find you somewhere to live (if necessary a hostel where he can't find you if he's likely to be violent), they'll help with legal advice, they'll help you claim benefits, write letters, pretty much everything.

I suggest you ask your manager if you can phone them from work. Dial 11 digits, say hello, take it from there.

0808 2000 247

Frith

Just a thought - at the end of my marriage, I wasn't allowed to use the phone so couldn't ring Women's Aid. If you are finding it difficult to phone them, don't forget you can always write to them by letter or email and they will reply in whatever way is convenient for you.

(I wasn't allowed to open any post either and my ex husband had locked my PC away at his mother's. Women's Aid kept in touch with me by faxing me via a friend! There is always a way).

Mojisola

daisychains12 wrote: »

I just can't understand how I am ever meant to get away with his constantly changing moods. Just when I have had enough he is back to being nice as pie. For a couple of years I didn't understand any of it, but now I do. It just makes no sense at all.

I wish he could either be consistently nice, or consistently horrible so I knew where I stood. At least if he was ALWAYS horrible it wouldn't be so hard walking away from it all.

In a word - CONTROL. If he was consistently nasty, you'd have left him ages ago. He's keeping you off-balance by switching between nice and nasty - it's a technique that WA will be very familiar with.

Build up your power by doing little things - like telling your manager - it's not easy to throw off your OH's control but you can do it.

He doesn't realise it but the end has already started. Now you have recognised him for what he is, you are set on the path to freedom.

downsizer3

It was at about this time of year that I decided to finish it with my ex. Like you I had become pregnant after knowing him for about 9 months. Not perfect but tried to make a go of it.
Long story but after buying a house together he started to show his true colours - gambling, selfish - never violent as such but manipulative and screaming rages.
I wasn't scared of him but it was hard to get him to move out and my confidence had all but gone. Thankfully he did go and I've never looked back. I manage - just - in terms of income and childcare - but I'm lucky as I'd saved well before I met him so could buy a wee flat for my DD and I.
What I can say is that when you eventually get out - you will be SO relieved and you will manage on your own - your parents sound like a great help too.
Have courage. For your son's sake too - you both deserve better.

marisco_2

OP your last post just reduced me to tears. Please read back over it and take in just how many times you have run yourself down. You say you feel like a fraud, weak, stupid, pathetic, a fool. Your husband has reduced you to this. He has damaged all your self esteem and confidence. To the degree that when your boss rightly acknowledged your efforts and achievements at work it reduced you to tears. Her kind words to you, no doubt completely well deserved, felt so alien compared to how your partner talks and refers to you that it probably came as a massive shock to your system. It brought home to you just how awfully you are treated in your personal life.

Yet you still feel you owe him something and state that you feel you are betraying him by turning to people on a forum for help. You are not betraying him at all, you owe him nothing. That man has you so scared and abused that you dont think people will listen to you or take you seriously. The only way you can release your tension and upset right now is to write to anonymous people on here. How dare he treat anyone like that, let alone his life partner and mother of his child.

The people at WomensAid or Refuge would show you patience, concern, care. They would let you take things at your pace, offer you advice and help. They would not get angry or annoyed or despair if you are not ready to take those steps yet. Dont underestimate the enormity of what you are facing, something they can appreciate all to well, having seen it a million times over. I know from experience how awful it is to come to terms with and deal with being abused.

Please keep coming on here and ask for any help or advice that you need. People want to help you on your terms. Sending a massive hug your way, take care.

Bitsy_Beans

Your not the first person to post about this and sadly you won't be the last. You're not stupid or weak or a fraud. Keeping you guessing is a way of keeping control, on the back foot so you never quite know where you are. Keeps you in your place, uncertain of when he will next turn. Lets face it if he was horrible all the time he'd never be with someone long enough to get his foot in the door.

I appreciate it's very easy for me to say leave but give yourself a present this Christmas. Your sanity and freedom. I'd say that was more important than keeping up appearances for Christmas. As for your son......not sure how old he is but bear in mind if much of this behaviour happens in front of him he's likely to grow up thinking this is what a normal relationship looks like. I think you owe it to yourself and your son to live better than this xxxx

Ring Womens Aid, they won't give up on you, they are there to help you xxxx