At breaking point...

daisychains12

As the title suggests, I am at breaking point, and I just need somewhere to vent.

I'm not a newbie, just have set up a new username.. Although I rarely use these boards, more often than not i'm on quick grabbit:)

I guess I want to hear some positive stories to sort of help me make the changes I need in my life to be happy again.

Most of my unhappiness stems from how unhappy I am in my relationship with my OH. OH can be the loveliest person ever, but he can also be quite aggressive etc towards both me and DS. I don't want to go into detail, but his behaviour is unnacceptable. He drinks too much and is just generally a very selfish/depressed person. He refuses any sort of help and he can never just accept certain things he does are HIS fault. Everything that goes wrong in life is always because of someone else in his eyes. Hes never been the one to accept responsibility when he totally !!!!s up.

Anyway...The bad times are outweighing the good times and I have had enough of him and dreading having to spend weekends together. He is not good with DS and just creates a horrible tension at home. I feel like I'm treading on egg shells the whole time.

I don't want to end stuff just yet, not until after christmas ideally. I don't know why. I just want to be prepared as much as possible for when it does happen.

I am not sure it helps but here is a bit of background into us.. We have been together for 4 1/2yrs. We have a young son together who was conceived pretty soon after we became a couple (unplanned)... Stuff has been up and down since then, but being someone who is always optimistic, I liked to think at some point he'd change, but he hasn't. We live together in a council flat, OH works full time and I work p/t (16hrs a week) for just above min wage. My parents look after DS when he isn't at pre school when I'm at work.

I basically want to know how people get the courage to walk away from this sort of relationship? How you move on with your life when you've made the change..? How you cope financially as a single parent? What are the good/bad points both emotionally and financially? How quickly does it take for this feeling like I am wondering around with a black cloud hanging above me take to go away? What would I be entitled to? I know there are certain calculators but as this isn't my computer I need to be careful about the sort of sites I access. I just have so many questions. Most of my worries are financial, and I know I shouldnt be too worried, I know the freedom I will get will be worth so much more than the loss of income I'll have to go through, but it doesn't stop the worrying and worrying I'll be accused of trying to milk the system. I'm prepared to be skint for months/years just as long as I am able to feel freedom. I just need to be happy again.

I don't know.

If anyone has any useful stories or any good advice, please share. Thanks x

j.e.j.

I'd say try a temporary separation first, have some time apart. If you didn't have a child together it'd be easier to advise you to just walk away, but you are going to have to have some form of regular contact with your partner. I know it's difficult to get people with this depressive/selfish frame of mind to see things from another person's point of view, but does he realise that you are on the verge of leaving him?

daisychains12

j.e.j. wrote: »

I'd say try a temporary separation first, have some time apart. If you didn't have a child together it'd be easier to advise you to just walk away, but you are going to have to have some form of regular contact with your partner. I know it's difficult to get people with this depressive/selfish frame of mind to see things from another person's point of view, but does he realise that you are on the verge of leaving him?

Thanks for your reply. I don't think a trial seperation would work. When I talk about his behaviour towards me being unacceptable, I really do mean that. I am prepared to be amicable for the sake of my son and sorting out arrangements with that sort of thing but the relationship between us will never be ok unless he suddenly changes his attitude towards women... I need to put my happiness and mental health before his and I know I need to get out.
We have had 'chats' again and again and again, he promises to change. Does the whole grovelling thing, then 2 days later is back to drinking too much, being aggressive and sometimes violent. Its a vicious cycle and I really do mean it when I say I need to get out.

System

Is this site of any use to you? I am not familiar with benefits so i cant be more help.

Maybe you could ask for more advice on the benefit section of the forum.

I went through the very same thing 30 years ago.

esmf73

Wouldn't it be better to get out now, rather than have the behaviour and the tension in the house prior and over Christmas? Ask your parents if you could move in for a bit. Might be tough but your little one will get over it.

Caroline_a

My ex drank too much and it made him violent so I understand where you're coming from. What I did was plan very thoroughly for a few months, and then when it was time to leave everything was in place. I was luckier than you as I had no young children, but had a house to sell. Luckily it sold within a day or two but that was part of my planning - I guessed that houses would be more desirable after Christmas, and my ex just went with the flow.

Good luck!

Bazey

I've just come out of a 7 year relationship. It started going very wrong after just 2 years and I separated from her for 3 months in 2010. We got back together following the death of her grandad, and she returned to Uni. We were both desperately unhappy, but I felt I had to support through her course, or I would in some way be responsible if she failed.

Get out now, you only get one life. Be happy!

libra10

I know there are certain calculators but as this isn't my computer I need to be careful about the sort of sites I access.

If using someone else's PC, ensure you delete History when logging off, otherwise they may see which sites you've been using.

Good luck

Errata

Looks like it's time to tell him to shape up or ship out. Stick up for your son, he doesn't deserve any of this.

marisco_2

I think you are suffering in an emotionally abusive relationship, I suspect possibly physically abusive too. You dont walk round on eggshells, feel the way you do or speak of finding the courage to walk away from a relationship if you are being treated properly. Hun you do realise that the way your child is being treated is all part of the abuse?

Abuse always escalates. Take it from someone who didn't see the light as early as you have. It took for the police to tell me I was at their highest level of risk, that my children would be next, if we didn't leave it would only end one way and for my house to be put on immediate response before I found that courage.

Despite all my worries and fears about the future things have worked out. I dont know your financial circumstances so forgive me if I dont get this quite right. The amount of savings or assets you have will determine what you can claim in benefits. You may be entitled to claim child and working tax credits if you continue to work 16 hours a week. You could also apply for help with childcare costs. You may qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit. You would recieve child benefit. If your husband doesn't agree to pay maintenance for your child then you can apply for it via the csa.

It is not easy being a lone parent. But far easier than being a parent whilst in an abusive relationship with someone who doesn't care for you or show you any respect. Your child will be aware of what is going on. All the while you stay in this situation it will be more and more damaging to yourself and your child. You dont want to keep suffering like this or for your child to be growing up thinking this is the norm.

A few years down the line and I have my own home just the way I love it. My children who were once scared, introverted little boys are now happy, confidant and thriving and doing really well at school. I have retrained into a career I had always longed to do. As soon as I walked away I knew I had made the right decision. There have been many ups and downs emotional and otherwise since but I can truly say my life is more happy and fulfilled now than it ever was. Yours can be too. You do deserve to be happy and to feel safe, keep telling yourself that. It was something I stopped believing for myself for a long while. Huge hugs to you. Be brave and go for it

loveasale

I really do feel for you, if you are sure that there is no way you can save your relationship then I'd say get out now , but that's only after you honestly can say that you have no other option!
You may feel that a weight has been lifted when you do get out, I'm sure there will be many ups and downs , but the way I see things is that no matter how hard things get, or what I lose along the way , as long as I have my kids and they know I love them ( I tell them every day, even tho they teen lads! ) everything else doesn't matter.
You'll get tax credits, you have plenty of time to re-train or go back to full time (better pay ) work as your son gets older, somehow you'll survive.
My advice for now is to look after yourself, and your son and take each day as it comes.
Keep posting updates and you will well looked after from many other MSE 's .
Good luck :A