At breaking point...

daska

WomensAid will help you work out what you might be entitled to, somewhere to live etc. You've done the hardest part in identifying that it has to come to an end, now you just need to put things in place - but as others I'm sure will point out a hint of you being about to leave may cause any abuse to escalate quickly.

I suggest you start by
1. calling WomensAid
2. identifying where all the important paperwork is: passports, insurance, savings etc. Yours and his!
3. finding a secure way to store the passport/policy numbers etc. This can be done by e-mailing the details to yourself on a new e-mail a/c. Taking photos you can text them to your mum and then delete.

Best of luck, being a single mum is infinitely preferable to staying with someone who abuses you.

January20

daisychains12 wrote: »

I basically want to know how people get the courage to walk away from this sort of relationship? Is is courage? I'm not sure. I know that like you I thought and thought and thought about it before making the decision. Eventually there was no other option for me if I was to regain my happiness

How you move on with your life when you've made the change..?
Being in control of my own life again made everythign easier but at first you can be really battered emotionally. Be prepared for that.

How you cope financially as a single parent?
I never felt it was a great weight on my shoulders. My dd was 7. She was at school. I had no family here but had lots of supportive friends. You seem to have family?

What are the good/bad points both emotionally and financially?

financially it can be hard but again you are in control and you cut your coat according to your cloth don't you? emotionally, it can be a bit of a roller coster - especially if your ex (like mine) decides to become a bit nasty

How quickly does it take for this feeling like I am wondering around with a black cloud hanging above me take to go away? everyone is different. You might feel a great deal of relief as soon as you are on your own.




If anyone has any useful stories or any good advice, please share. Thanks x

It's normal to be worrying but as long as you make the choices that you want to make, without being influenced by others who think they might better than you, then you will be fine.

marisco_2

daska wrote: »

as others I'm sure will point out a hint of you being about to leave may cause any abuse to escalate quickly.

I 100% agree with this. Do not let this put you off from leaving but have others round you when you do. Abuse is about power and control and when your abuser realises he doesn't have that hold over you any more it can cause them to react badly.

purple.sarah

There are some helpful resources on the Women's Aid website and they also have a helpline:

Freephone 24 hr National domestic violence helpline
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge
PHONE: 0808 2000 247
Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk

daisychains12

Thanks everyone for the useful advice and kind words. Can only post quickly as OH due home any minute however will try and come on tommorow to read and reply to everything properly.

I just wondered how people generally split things when they break up? It seems ridiculous but as I have not worked up until about 9 months ago, he did pay the majority of everything/brought all our big appliances etc. When I have spoken about breaking up or when his behaviour has been unacceptable he will hit back with "well you can f off if you think your keeping the fridge/cooker" etc. How is stuff split tho? In all honesty I want to keep everything as amicable as possible and don't want to fight over things, it doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things but I just wondered. I couldn't easily work whilst DS was young and OH was about as unsupportive as they come. Refused to have him on weekends/evenings so I could get a little cleaning job. Told me that was his 'free time'. Part of the problem recently is the fact I am doing well at work and that I have made friends there. He didn't want be going back to work at all, or earning. He even talks about the idea of a baby and I know its to get me out of work, he has no interest in DS so why would he have any interest in a new child? Sorry to witter. But yeah, I am expecting it to be against me if he does decide to take everything if we split up? Its not too much of a problem I know I can pick stuff up cheap on ebay I am just trying to factor in everything before I make any big decisions ie making sure I have enough money built up to pay for bits and peices...

Oh and for the people that say call womens aid, I can't easily really. In all honesty I know I wont be believed, he has a proffesional job etc and I am on min wage. He always says I wouldn't be believed if I did ever tell anyone and I think hes right. Hes so charming etc to the outside world. Even towards me sometime. Everything goes in spells. I will get nothing but nastiness and critism for about a week, and then he will be nice as pie the next week even if my behaviour is exactly the same. Doesnt make sense!!

Anyway really sorry I can't reply to everything properly but I need to go quickly. I will make sure to read up on everything tommorow. Thanks again for everyones advice:)

Errata

"well you can f off if you think your keeping the fridge/cooker" etc. How is stuff split tho?

To a response like that from him? With an axe!

Mado

Bazey wrote: »

I've just come out of a 7 year relationship. It started going very wrong after just 2 years and I separated from her for 3 months in 2010. We got back together following the death of her grandad, and she returned to Uni. We were both desperately unhappy, but I felt I had to support through her course, or I would in some way be responsible if she failed.

Get out now, you only get one life. Be happy!

The difference here is that there is a child.
He also only has one life.

So please, try and seek counselling and see if you can make the marriage work.

Actually, reading your subsequent post, he sounds like he is very controlling.
Don't believe him when he says nobody will believe you; it's the classic line from controlling people.
They will believe you because they've heard it before. Many times.

Mojisola

daisychains12 wrote: »

Oh and for the people that say call womens aid, I can't easily really. In all honesty I know I wont be believed, he has a proffesional job etc and I am on min wage. He always says I wouldn't be believed if I did ever tell anyone and I think hes right.

He'd love you to believe that!

Get onto Women's Aid - they will have heard the same story many, many times before and you do need their support.

marisco_2

daisychains12 wrote: »

Oh and for the people that say call womens aid, I can't easily really. In all honesty I know I wont be believed, he has a proffesional job etc and I am on min wage. He always says I wouldn't be believed if I did ever tell anyone and I think hes right. Hes so charming etc to the outside world. Even towards me sometime. Everything goes in spells. I will get nothing but nastiness and critism for about a week, and then he will be nice as pie the next week even if my behaviour is exactly the same. Doesnt make sense!!

You are scared witless of him aren't you. I believe you. There are things you have disclosed to us, mention of certain behaviours and comments made to you that make it crystal clear to me you are suffering abuse. How do I have such faith in you....the same things were said to me a few years back. It is all part of the abuse.

My gp believed me and referred me to the domestic abuse and violence unit. The officers there believed me. Friends and family believed me. To my shock and horror many had suspected what had been going on for a long time. My ex was a charmer too but he didn't pull the wool over peoples eyes. They saw through him.

It is a well known fact that abuse is inflicted in patterns. There are times when you are treated well. This is to give you glimpses of what this person can be to you. Just enough to keep you where they want you. I am so sorry if this upsets you. To abuse someone is the cruelest act anyone can partake in.

He is messing with your head and making you question your view of everything. Logic tells you what he is doing is horrendous. He is so twisted and to put it bluntly, fcuked up in his head that he feels able to carry this on, whilst telling you that no one will believe you or help you. Abuse is about power and he will tell you anything to keep you under his control. Read that back to yourself. How outrageous is it of him to do that. Read it till it gets you mad. Mad enough to say enough is enough and that you will seek help. If you stay with him long enough he will destroy you and your child. I cant emphasise that enough hun.

pmlindyloo

I couldn't read and not reply.

It is always so difficult to give advice on these situations as we don't know how bad it is or what your OH is like.

I do know that drink can change people hugely and it could be this that is making your relationship so bad. With a 'skinful' people say and do the most hurtful things.

I am saying this because you do say he can be the loveliest person at times.

I do not know if my suggestion is possible. Could you go and live with your parents for a while until you get yourself sorted out?

If you could then it would give you time to manage your finances and find out about possible housing/benefits/child maintenance. You could do this knowing that you wouldn't have your OH about to walk in on you.

It also might bring your OH to his senses. He might suggest you meet and then you could talk to him about how he sees your relationship/what he wants/whether he is prepared to cut down on the drink. If you think he might agree (when sober) then you could find a family mediator/Relate or similar.

Of course he might not be willing to discuss things but at least you will know one way or another.

As regards 'splitting things up' this is just not important in the grand scheme of things. Many people have started a new life with very little and there is help available, whether it be through Freecycle/family/friends/charities/grants.

Try not to focus on everything at once. It is all just too much.

Telephone your parents ask them if you can stay with them for a while, pack your things (don't forget passports, documents etc) and go. Fridges/washing machines etc are not important. You and your child are.

Everything will work out, whether it be a new and better relationship with your OH or a new life away from him.

You need time and space to think things through calmly and objectively.