At breaking point...

ruby-roo_2

Without a shadow of a doubt you are suffering horrendous abuse. No one feels as bad as you clearly do when they are in a happy, positive and loving realtionship. You called your thread 'at breaking point'. The person who has got you to that stage is your husband. The one person who should love you the most and be your rock in life.

As with all abusive personalities he thinks he is invincible. There are signs he is already tripping himself up though. Using classic lines such as 'you wont be believed' is very stupid of him. To alot of people comments like that are the catalyst to them recognising exactly what is going on and to walk away from it. When you do decide to contact WomensAid they will instantly see the situation for what it is.

Seek help and get away from him as soon as you can. Abuse always gets worse.

pogofish

daisychains12 wrote: »

Oh and for the people that say call womens aid, I can't easily really. In all honesty I know I wont be believed, he has a proffesional job etc and I am on min wage. He always says I wouldn't be believed if I did ever tell anyone and I think hes right. Hes so charming etc to the outside world. Even towards me sometime. Everything goes in spells. I will get nothing but nastiness and critism for about a week, and then he will be nice as pie the next week even if my behaviour is exactly the same. Doesnt make sense!!

RUBBISH!!!

Womens Aid will know his type very well indeed and you can be assured that you will be believed and helped by them.

This "You won't be believed" thing is a well known, accepted and understood method of control by an abusive partner.

Errata

pogofish wrote: »

RUBBISH!!!

Womens Aid will know his type very well indeed and you can be assured that you will be believed and helped by them.

This "You won't be believed" thing is a well known, accepted and understood method of control by an abusive partner.

He's not very original, is he. The 'you won't be believed' ploy is the one used by men in the professions of doctor, lawyer, senior police officer who indulge themselves in DV.

RAS

daisychains12 wrote: »

I have had a look on womens aid website and theres lots of helpful advice on there, I feel like a fool for letting it go on so long. I am trying to build up enough courage to ring them and speak to someone. Does anyone know what they will say/ask? I know it sounds stupid but i'm worried they will just give up on me if I say I am not ready to leave. I just want to be ready when it does happen.

I just can't understand how I am ever meant to get away with his constantly changing moods. Just when I have had enough he is back to being nice as pie. For a couple of years I didn't understand any of it, but now I do. It just makes no sense at all. I wish he could either be consistently nice, or consistently horrible so I knew where I stood. At least if he was ALWAYS horrible it wouldn't be so hard walking away from it all.

Hi

Firstly, Women's Aid support women who need time for emotional or practical reasons to sort out their departure; I am dealing with a case at the moment where a women left all her legal documents when she escaped and it is adversely affecting her now (no ID means problems with a lot of basic things).

If you are safe in the short-term, you need to start planning. Basics like de-cluttering clothes stores, so that what you really want to take can be picked up and slung straight in a bin bag if needs be and that all your ID is where you can grab it.

Take time to photcopy as much evidence of finances as you can and your and DS's ID documents. Keep those off the premises - sounds like work might be a good place? One of my friends kept the passbook for her escape account in her locker at work.

daska

Further to what RAS says, if you're worried he'll notice things being moved then it doesn't have to be a photocopy you could take a photograph and e-mail them to yourself on a new a/c as that provides back up storage that you can access from anywhere.

RAS

daska wrote: »

Further to what RAS says, if you're worried he'll notice things being moved then it doesn't have to be a photocopy you could take a photograph and e-mail them to yourself on a new a/c as that provides back up storage that you can access from anywhere.

Good idea - alternatively develop a fondness for "spring-cleaning", which means everything is moved.

ladybez

Daisychains. What a horrible situation for you to be in!! You must seriously consider taking action now. My in laws sound just like you and your OH. D-I-L had a very high profile, managerial job with everyone bowing down to him. M-I-L was a "useless, sta at home Mum" (his words). Over the many years they were married it was a roller-coster ride, sometimes he would be gracious and charming, other times a tight-fisted g-t. Over time M-I-L became convinced that she was useless, could't do anything had to have everything done for her, she even believes she is unsafe to leave the house on her own. It took F-I-L death this year for her to see it. We are now trying to rebuild her confidence in herself and get her to believe she can do things. She has begun to see him for what he was, albeit too late. She is however, enjoying spending his money. Don't leave it until it is too late or you are too old, act now.
take care.x

daisychains12

Thankyou so much for all the lovely comments and replies. What lovely people you all are.xxxx

Well I have not had the courage to ring womens aid today, however I have been looking up some other stuff. I looked up the benefits calculator someone suggested a few weeks ago. Its such a relief as I was expecting it to say we were entitled to nothing, but infact we wouldn't be really badly off at all even if OH refused to pay maintinence. Which is a massive comfort to me and useful to know. Ideally I am hoping to up my hours at work when DS starts school but realistically they could only up my contact to about 24 so there would still be a shortfall. It looks like i'd be ok tho which is great to know... anyway, I know I am still dealing with the practical side of things, really I need to try and gain the courage to step away now I know practical things will work themselves out

marisco_2

You have made a huge step forward today daisy. Well done. Anything that gives you assurance and peace of mind is valuable.

daska

Remember that the CSA can order an attachment of earnings which the employer has to deduct before paying. It might take some time to get to that point but unless he's self-employed this makes it more likely that you'll get it than not. If he's self-employed then it's probably safest to assume that you'll get nowt and hope for a nice surprise.