A bit of a difficult one...

pink_princess

Morganarla wrote: »

17 is PLENTY old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.

17 is PLENTY old enough to know that you do NOT make a pass at someone's husband.

17 is MORE THAN PLENTY old enough to be travelling on the train alone.

From a once 17 year old who travelled regularly on trains alone, (successfully) nicked someone's husband, knew EXACTLY what I was doing, and as a result got the beating of my life from the wife when she found out (we had a relationship akin to that of very close sisters although no blood relation).

I deserved everything I got.

Send her packing. Now.

Were you a 17 year old with low self esteem?

Morganarla

pink_princess wrote: »

Were you a 17 year old with low self esteem?

Lets just say I was a 17 year old with extremely complex problems, including low self esteem, stemming from rejection by my parents due to my pregnancy with my daughter (who I then went on to lose), abandonment by my then fiance because of the loss of my daughter and then consequently being homeless and becoming hooked on drugs.

Yet despite all that, I had been brought up to know the difference between right and wrong, and I knew it the whole time of our whole affair (18 months long).

And I didn't care. When he tried to finish it, I threatened to tell her, to tell his in-laws, to tell the police that it had started when I was underage, all sorts. I could've destroyed their world so easily, mainly by telling lies.

And this is why the OP needs to get shot.

FWIW, I have come an awful long way since then, and I am nothing like this now. I am hugely ashamed of most of the things I did during that awful period in my life, but me getting the !!!!!! end of the stick in life did not justify me passing it on to others.

kitschkitty

Ooh that is a toughie.

First off it's great that you and your hubby have clear, open and honest lines of communication, and I feel rather sorry for your cousin, because she's either a horrid conniving young lady or, a rather misguided and needy young girl.

On the basis that it sounds like the latter she's very lucky that you and your hubby are caring and understanding people, because otherwise she could have let herself in for a world of problems he could have taken advantage of her - you could have battered her on finding out that she tried it on with him - just a couple of situations that she could all too easily have found herself facing.

She needs to be kicked into touch, but just how much you feel you can step outside the situation to do so is something only you can decide and it's really not going to be easy or pleasant if you choose to try.

You shouldn't have to do it at all, but it sounds like there's something missing in her relationship with her parents and her attention seeking behaviour in a blatant and sexual way is quite worrying, if she were a year or 2 younger I'd be even more concerned - sadly too many young girls with low self esteem think sex or the attention of men informs their self worth and it can be a hard mindset to break.The fact that she chose your husband (and his age) in this particular situation makes me believe even more that this is that case.

If you feel you could talk to her I don't think I'd necessarily be focussing on her looking for a boyfriend her own age, but more what made her put herself in such a situation - in your house, with your husband, and with very little behaviour (in just a few days) preceding it- it's quite extreme. The risks of being caught or brought to task (as she was by your hubby) sounds like it could have actually been a deliberate if subconscious cry for help.

Really I'm not sure she'll be willing to talk to you, but I think she'll be even less willing to talk to her mum, I think she needs to talk to a young persons counselling service.

I wish I had a better answer for you, but at the least she did something incredibly immature and stupid, at worst something that could be the start of a very dangerous pattern of behaviour.

My only other thought is if that she keeps avoiding you and/or you can't talk to her, I think you could write her a short letter explaining some of the above and suggesting that it's OK to ask for help - in the right way and if you could include the number or a website for a free local service that might be helpful.

If you can look at it as a case of terrible behaviour and not a terrible person (hoping/assuming that's true), maybe she needs help, and this could be the event that helps her get it. I personally certainly don't think it should just be ignored (as an embarrassing and stupid thing to do) because I think it's pretty darned serious thing really.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'd be taking her home now and making sure her parents meet you halfway - no way would she be sleeping another night under my roof. Only takes an hour to drive 50 miles.

kitschkitty

Morganarla wrote: »

Lets just say I was a 17 year old with extremely complex problems, including low self esteem, stemming from rejection by my parents due to my pregnancy with my daughter (who I then went on to lose), abandonment by my then fiance because of the loss of my daughter and then consequently being homeless and becoming hooked on drugs.

Yet despite all that, I had been brought up to know the difference between right and wrong, and I knew it the whole time of our whole affair (18 months long).

And I didn't care. When he tried to finish it, I threatened to tell her, to tell his in-laws, to tell the police that it had started when I was underage, all sorts. I could've destroyed their world so easily, mainly by telling lies.

And this is why the OP needs to get shot.

FWIW, I have come an awful long way since then, and I am nothing like this now. I am hugely ashamed of most of the things I did during that awful period in my life, but me getting the !!!!!! end of the stick in life did not justify me passing it on to others.

But in your case the man in question engaged in a relationship with you and I assume that made your life worse rather than better.

At least here the OP & her hubby (and the girls parents if they engage) have the opportunity to turn things around for this girl (or at least to try - and trying is the best anyone can do for someone else) and she doesn't have to continue down the wrong path, because if she just does end up back home and her parents don't help her deal with what happened (either by ignoring it or simply punishing her) it could all too easily be repeated with someone who's happy to take advantage of her and she could end up in a bad situation that's going to be a lot harder to sort out.

NatalieH80

I've just tried talking to her about going home but she's now gone storming back upstairs (waking up our daughter in the process). This is a nightmare.

Thank you for all your responses.

kitschkitty

Oh and if I come across holier than thou I'm really not - I'd probably want to slap some sense into her, but I just don't think that'd truly help anyone and while I'd feel better at the time if I later went on to find that my (younger) cousin had ended up going down a bad path I'd end up feeling bad/worse, and be left wishing I'd been able to muster up the self control (for want of a better word) at the time, to be the bigger person (though I do hate having to do it) to try to get her the help she needed.

kitschkitty

NatalieH80 wrote: »

I've just tried talking to her about going home but she's now gone storming back upstairs (waking up our daughter in the process). This is a nightmare.

Thank you for all your responses.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If she's going to act like a child you're going to have to treat her like one. Write her that note, no more questions, tell her what she did wrong, what help she should seek, and what you are going to do i.e send her home. Make up your mind what you want to happen, if she's not remotely willing to talk you have to tell her what's going to happen.

Same with her parents, sadly their earlier response to you just isn't good enough - you've tried to be reasonable and caring, but they need to take responsibility for their child.

NatalieH80

To top it all off, my husband is suggesting that he goes to stay with a friend until she's gone.

meritaten

oh dear - 17 and away from home and her first crush is on your OH! She prob isnt speaking to anyone as she is as embarrassed as he!!.
I would prob just barge into her room and sit her down and say that as you love OH to bits you can understand her fancying him - but it ISNT on!
She has embarrassed herself and your OH and you think she should perhaps find other accomodation?
I am not sure that telling her mum was a good move - but, its done now.
She sounds a bit immature and perhaps lonely hun. and latched on to your OH as her 'ideal'?
Yes I would be annoyed, tempted to slap her silly, pack her bags and send her home! but, on reflection, perhaps I would have done something to stop the flirting??????????