Am I being selfish?

daska

suki1001 wrote: »

No, I didn't say I wasn't doing the course. There is the possibility that if we do split up, that I won't actually mentally be in the right place to do the course. The last thing I want is to be having panic attacks in the middle of London. In the past before I met oh - ended up having an ambulance called when I worked in Leeds with a panic attack and I pretty much lost my job because I couldn't cope.

I haven't given up, I'm just not a all guns blazing type of person. All I was saying was I need to put more stuff together so that even if he still doesn't agree, it will help me know that doing the course will be worthwhile.

Ok, so you need to have a frank talk with your GP about what might be coming up and work out a plan to get you feeling more robust. Ideally you need to be referred for counselling. If you think they may not be receptive then tell them you had a mild one already just at the thought of it.

And I would take issue with your claim that you are respecting your children's best interests by considering not doing the course. Turn this round a bit, what damage do you think might be done to their understanding of healthy interpersonal relationships, their education prospects and their sense of self worth when they see you giving up opportunities simply because he throws his toys out of the pram? Giving in to his threats could do them more damage than your marriage ending.

Craftyscholar

Has he said how he would react to any question of your children progressing to higher education?

LannieDuck

I think the only reasons you need are that it's very important to you, and you've already arranged childcare to ensure it won't have too great an impact on him and his work.

It's not as if you're dumping him in it for 4 weeks while you swan off on a holiday.

cr1mson

I had to re-read the original post as thought maybe it was 4 years not 4 weeks!

I personally think there is only one rational explanation for his response - Fear.

- Fear that this course will open opportunities for you that you won't want him to share.
- Fear of change.
- Fear of not being the main wage earner if your career takes off
- Fear you will meet someone else on the course

I am sure some or all will apply there are no doubt others which may reflect his previous life experiences.

We can do some mighty strange things when we are scared so I think you need to have an honest talk.

Tish_P

You shouldn't need to prepare a brief and plead your case before him as if he were the bleedin' European Court of Human Training Course Rights! Honestly, he's coming across as a really unpleasant bully. I hope this is atypical behaviour for him, because if this is the way he usually behaves you ought to go on that course quick smart in the hope that he'll leave.

heartbreak_star

Print this thread.

Go on the course, and leave it for him to read.

DO NOT let him take this opportunity away. For once, go in all guns blazing!

Love, hugs and the very best of luck.

HBS x

pinkshoes

I think you actually have quite a big problem in your relationship, as this is a lose/lose situation here.

If you DO go, he'll divorce you (in theory), and if you DON'T go, you'll resent him for the rest of your marriage.

As your mum is willing to help take care of the children, and you can keep up with the work, then there is NO reason why you shouldn't go.

It is JUST 4 weeks.

Stop thinking about reasons to try and persuade him. Take the lead, talk to him, and tell him that if he feels that way, perhaps divorce is the way to go.

Perhaps it's a bit like calling his bluff??

Girlzmum

Suki, does he ever go away for business? My husband got a new job and had to go to America for 3 months initially for training, I didn't want him to go but I supported him because I knew this job would make him happy - he's worked for the company for 10 years now and he's still happy, the 3 months are a distant memory.

However, the support goes both ways. I went back to university when our youngest was 8 months old, the 3 years I spent there were a huge struggle, I had to pay out more in childcare than I had coming in every month but we got through it, I got my degree, I got a job that I absolutely love and as a result I'm much happier at home.

I hope he will get over his initial reaction and see the benefits that can be gained for you and your family instead of trying to hold you back. Good luck x

HeatherintheHills

suki1001 wrote: »

I know, I know - he's being ridiculous, but I don't want to take any outcome lightly.

I have managed to talk to him and it's going to have to be a work in progress. The course isn't until January anyway.

What I'm going to do is speak to the editor when she gets back off holiday and find out exactly what I can gain from the course. Financially as well as all the latest legislation, experience I'll gain. Will I get more hours etc There's no point in arguing until I know a bit more. He's agreed he will listen to this. It's such a shame as I really feel like she's taken me under her wing.

The crazy thing is I remember him telling me about his dad when he was younger (a long time ago). He said "when I'm older I'll earn £10,000 a year". His dad said "£10,000 - you're living in cloud cuckoo land." Why would any parent do that to a child? He was really hurt at this - yet I feel he's doing the same thing to me.

He may listen, but it doesn't sound as if training courses or education in general are things he has a very high opinion of, so you may be on a hiding to nothing before you start trying to convince him that the course is worthwhile. It is your opinion on that which matters, not his.

And be very careful about talking to your boss. If she thinks that something as simple as this is causing major problems for you at home then she may well question the merit of investing time, money and effort in you in future. If your OH is going to undermine everything she tries to help you with then what would be the point?

You are still young enough to forge a career, in a few years time the opportunities you have now will be very difficult to find. Consider your next moves very carefully. Whatever decision you make this time, do not allow your husband to be act like a selfish child and get away with it.

londonlydia

Hi,

Please don't stay together 'for the sake of the children'. This is continuously banded about as a phrase, but its nonsense.

Yes your kids would be upset if you split, but they would recover. And divorce really isn't a taboo subject anymore, loads of kids come from single parent families, divorced families, 2 mums/ 2 dads...that you'd probably raise more of an eyebrow being together still!

BUT, think about how DAMAGING it is staying in a relationship that isn't right. Your kids are sponges for learning, and that's not just at school, that's relationships at home too. If your children are witnessing unreasonable behaviour from your husband towards you, then they make grow up thinking its acceptible and repeat the same in their relationships...either by becoming bullies or victims. Even if you're just not fully happy...think would you want you kids to be a long unhappy marriage?

I'm not saying throw your marriage away, but certainly some steps are needed to make it healthy. If it can't be fixed, then maybe you should think about splitting.

The only reason that you should stay married is because you love them and love your relationship, and both parties are generally happy (which takes work from both sides though).

Actually, a good friend of mine came from a wealthy storybook family. Turns out the dad has been playing away for years, but held back from acting till the kids grew up. Now it's all out, the family is in tatters. The kids feel they have been lied to their whole life and have trust issues...

So overall, the best thing you can teach your kids is that everyone has the right to be happy and follow their dreams. My family always said I could do anything, and I think it's that belief drummed into me that saw me succeed.