Am I being selfish?

LannieDuck

Is this typical of how he reacts when you want to do something for yourself? This smacks of controlling behaviour to me.

You're definitely not being selfish wanting to go on the course - 4 weeks is nothing, especially if you've already arranged for your parents to help out so it shouldn't impact on his work too much (if he chooses to accept the help...).

Bexm

Oh you poor thing.
I bet your husband is scared that he wouldn't be able to cope if you were away that long, but him to threaten you with divorce makes me think there may be bigger problems that may have previously been hidden.
Don't miss out on this opportunity, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

suki1001

whitewing wrote: »

4 weeks is nothing in a life time. He should be proud of you. Stand up for yourself and tell him to stop being a selfish prat.

I wish - even standing up to him makes him dig his heels in harder. I don't believe for one minute the work would suffer, but he is making out that it would bring us to our knees.

In his eyes I've made my mind up therefore that's it. He won't talk about it calmly, admit there is any other agenda. He says he's sick of struggling, I don't think it would stop us from paying the bills. It's all funded, so it's not like it's costing us anything. To me that's not an opportunity people get everyday, but as far as he's concerned I might as well be doing a course on "manicures for cats". It feels so patronising. He point blank refuses to believe that this course will help at all and in fact thinks it's just a waste of time.

At the moment as things stand - we divorcing. Part of this is more to do with his reaction, like I'm a naughty child.

suki1001

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

What if you don't go because of him? How will homelife become then? He has threatened you and you have succumbed? This is a bully's tactics and as he got away with it this time, he will use the threat again and again.

I personally think, you need to sit down and discuss this as adults. He either gives you VALID reasons for not going or if he doesn't tell him you are going and if he wants to call it a day because of 4 weeks away trying to better yourself then you don't want to be with a man like that and perhaps splitting is for the better.

Partners support each other, not hold them back.

It's very difficult to give valid reason's to someone who won't listen to reasoning - I'm met with a pointblank "no" - no help, no point - how can I argue with this? My feeling is he just doesn't want me to go. He spends an awful lot of time working, but some of this is just that he has a habit - making money. Financially, we get by, but he's making out we won't be able to pay the mortgage.

suki1001

LannieDuck wrote: »

Is this typical of how he reacts when you want to do something for yourself? This smacks of controlling behaviour to me.

You're definitely not being selfish wanting to go on the course - 4 weeks is nothing, especially if you've already arranged for your parents to help out so it shouldn't impact on his work too much (if he chooses to accept the help...).

Well, there is an element of control - but we've worked things out before. This is the first time in years, where I've thought this is a big problem. I've run around for him and he had mellowed and seemed a bit happier.

this is a big thing, because in terms of how other people fit around me, it's a bit of an ask. I know it would be putting on him a bit, I just wish he'd be happy for me instead of reacting this way.

chirpchirp

Ask yourself if your husband supports you in other ways? Only you can answer whether you really want to do this course and doing this course shouldn't jeopardise your marriage, if it does have you really got a strong marriage and is it one worth giving things up for.

I thought I had a strong marriage and then found out that I was married to a selfish idiot who threw his family life away. The sort of situation which you find yourself in where there is pressure to not better yourself reminds me exactly why spousal mantainance is so important. Women often give up so much of their life to support a family!

Jackie47

I was all set to join the Navy when my first husband (before we were married) told me it was the Navy or him!! Unfortunately, I chose him! Looking back now I wished I'd stood up to him but at 17, I thought I knew it all..lol

I think that your hubby is running scared OP! Scared that you might be successful.

GO FOR IT!

I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't.
Lucille Ball

suki1001

chirpchirp wrote: »

Ask yourself if your husband supports you in other ways? Only you can answer whether you really want to do this course and doing this course shouldn't jeopardise your marriage, if it does have you really got a strong marriage and is it one worth giving things up for.

I thought I had a strong marriage and then found out that I was married to a selfish idiot who through his family life away. The sort of situation which you find yourself in where there is pressure to not better yourself reminds me exactly why spousal mantainance is so important. Women often give up so much of their life to support a family!

It doesn't help that I come from a family where going to university was sort of expected. I totally flunked school, messed up my a-levels, partly because I just didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. Now I've found something I'm passionate about and feel quite flattered that I've been asked to go on this course.

Is it worth giving my marriage up for? I just hate feeling like I've got to choose. then I ask myself how much does my husband love me anyway? Right now I don't love his reactions towards me and we are obviously at 2 completely different tangents. The fact is we can't look at overcoming any obstacles the course might create - it's just a no - that's what probably hurts the most, because I don't know the real reason he's saying no. The one's he's giving don't make sense. Particularly as he's refusing any help.

I'm stumped. I feel like he's cutting his nose off despite his face.

sassyblue

suki1001 wrote: »

I wish - even standing up to him makes him dig his heels in harder. I don't believe for one minute the work would suffer, but he is making out that it would bring us to our knees.

Good. You know the situation as much as him and you shouldn't be fooled by (his) words.

In his eyes I've made my mind up therefore that's it. And so has he, don't let him turn it all on you. He won't talk about it calmly, admit there is any other agenda. He says he's sick of struggling, I don't think it would stop us from paying the bills. It's all funded, so it's not like it's costing us anything. All good, you know your situation and his argument isn't valid. To me that's not an opportunity people get everyday, but as far as he's concerned I might as well be doing a course on "manicures for cats". It feels so patronising. He point blank refuses to believe that this course will help at all and in fact thinks it's just a waste of time. Good job he's not the one who's interested in doing it then. If you are. Do it.

At the moment as things stand - we divorcing. Part of this is more to do with his reaction, like I'm a naughty child.

You have children so l wouldn't advise divorcing BUT if he decides that then so be it. Ask yourself if your children need to see his behaviour?

I get the feeling he's always been this selfish, patronising and bullying but this situation has never reared it's head before. You are now at a junction OP, if you forget about this will there be other things he stops you doing in the future? Is your marriage okay as long as you are doing as you're told?

How will you really feel if you decline this?

You shouldn't HAVE to choose between this and your marriage (over something so trivial too!). Real partnerships are when couple pull together. God l feel so bad for you OP.

Tish_P

Go on the course. There are such things as worthless journalism courses, but if the paper you work for has decided this course is worth the investment (and even more importantly, that YOU are worth the investment) that's a good sign both for the course and for your future. He'll benefit from your career progress too, unless (as londonsurrey astutely pointed out) he doesn't want a partner but a housekeeper.

I suspect he's bluffing,and will be in a massive huff until you leave for the course, but then you'll come back and patch things up. But if he's not bluffing - why would you be want to stay married to the kind of person who would divorce over their partner's choice to take a short career development course?