Am I being selfish?

picket_fence

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. I agree that your husband is feeling a bit threatened and a little bit jealous. I'm assuming that until now you've never really had any independance or done anything for yourself, but rather everything has be for "US". If it was me I'd be livid and would call his bluff. Sorry not very helpful I know. What you could do is explain to your employers that you really want to do a journalism course but that at this moment in your life travelling all that way would be far too difficult for you. Maybe they'd be open to funding a course with an easier commute or even an open uni course? Worth a try.

Ultimately though I think you realise (hence your posting) that your OH's reaction is not rational or warranted and you need to sit down and discuss it properly. Perhaps your mom can have the kids overnight so there are no distractions or excuses?The way I see it, you doing this course could be a real benefit to the promotional side of your business and will provide something to fall back on if ever you find yourself in financial difficulty with your business. A good thing for your family surely? It in no way needs to undermine your relationship, your children or your business. I hope it all works out for you. Good luck

SandC

I completely agree with everything the others have said. 4 weeks is nothing and you will home at weekends. Plus you will have lots of interesting things to talk about with the children when you are back at home. As someone else has said you can stay in London one weekend and bring the family down and do fun things if you want.

Your husband is being very unsupportive and selfish, not you. I would tell your husband just what further opportunities the course would give you with this paper and others. Tell him how much it would cost if you had to pay for it yourself (never mind that accommodation will be included which in itself is going to be costly). But mostly I would reiterate how beneficial it will actually be for the children... for them to spend more time with their dad for one, to see their mum independent and doing her own thing then coming back and both parents making a good go of the business with your freelance work on the side. It will show them huge positives in grabbing opportunities and what a bit of hard work and effort can achieve.

I was not married but an old boyfriend of mine threatened to leave if I took an opportunity I had been offered. I was young and stupid and stayed with him instead. Of course that was years ago and we didn't last anyway. There will always be a bit 'what if' around that stupid, stupid decision I made. Not that I haven't done alright, I have really but my life might have taken a whole different course but for doing something in the name of keeping a flipping boyfriend. I don't blame him, I blame myself and that's harder to deal with I think.

CH27

What are the financial effects?

Will the business be able to cope without you?
Who is paying your travel, food & accommodation costs?
Will there be childcare costs involved?

Will the gains from the course outweigh the costs?

sassyblue

suki1001 wrote: »

That's exactly what I thought, but he just won't see it that way. He thinks it will be worth anything and pointless and has said when I get back from it if I go - he will leave me. He says he won't beable to do his work, that there will be no financial benefit from it and he doesn't think the funded opportunity is very fantastic. I feel so upset - it's like he thinks I am being the world's worst mother. I feel like I am being asked to choose between my career and my marriage for the sake of 4 weeks

I run around after him do most of the housework, the gardening and I'm not a natural housewife - I feel I'm not allowed to ask for more while he does his important geeky work.

I couldn't understand why until l read in your OP you have children. He's being lazy and selfish, plus he's bullying you too.

Dry your eyes and politely tell him you will be going, something tells me if HE was offered this opportunity it would be the best thing since sliced bread. but only you know his work and whether he would be able to manage to do that without you.

You are just as valid a person as he is, don't let him make you think otherwise.

Oh, and before you go could you organise a cleaner to come in and anything else that would make YOUR life easier on your return? If he wants to leave and divorce because he has to do 4 weeks of your stuff then l wouldn't waste a single tear on him. In fact l'd pack his bags.

ETA: I had a husband like this, though we are still together he knows l won't put up with it anymore.

londonsurrey

suki1001 wrote: »

He says he won't be able to do his work.

So, if you don't let him do his work, then you're not worth having as a wife, and he'll leave you?

That's what you are to him - the woman who enables him to get on with his life? That's a housekeeper. They're expensive, and carnal relations with them leaves you open to a harassment charge.

A spouse is a PARTNER - you help him with his stuff, and he helps YOU with YOUR stuff.

Hermia

Loanranger wrote: »

Suki, what's the hidden agenda here? He doesn't trust you, I think.
You should have this out with him that you understand he's concerned about the trust issue but that you took vows to be faithful and fully intend to keep them. This is the discussion you need to have with him.

I suspect it's more his fear of the OP becoming successful in her own right than worrying that she is going to jump on the first bloke she sees in London. I remember when I was at university there were a lot of mums returning to education. I noticed that the more success some had at university the more problems their husbands caused even though they were still doing most of the housework/childcare. One woman's marriage broke up shortly after she won a prize for her research project.

looby75

sorry but threatening to divorce you is emotional blackmail and bullying.

Look at this another way, if you don't go you will probably end up resenting him for holding you back, which will probably end up causing relationship problems which may lead to divorce anyway.

It's only 4 weeks, your mum has already offered to help out so its not as if you would be leaving him in the lurch, and so what if you want to go to London to feel important! Just because you are a mum and help him in his business thats no reason why you shouldn't feel important. Everyone deserves that from time to time.

You aren't the one who's being selfish, your husband is.

VestanPance

Guy sounds like a complete idiot.

If he has some concerns that it would impact his business in the short term and possibly cause the family financial issues then he should be discussing a way that you can both figure out away around that.

Threatening divorce over it makes him sound like a total nutter. Who in their right mind threatens the woman they love, partner and mother of their children with divorce over a training course?

whitewing

4 weeks is nothing in a life time. He should be proud of you. Stand up for yourself and tell him to stop being a selfish prat.

Ivrytwr3

What if you don't go because of him? How will homelife become then? He has threatened you and you have succumbed? This is a bully's tactics and as he got away with it this time, he will use the threat again and again.

I personally think, you need to sit down and discuss this as adults. He either gives you VALID reasons for not going or if he doesn't tell him you are going and if he wants to call it a day because of 4 weeks away trying to better yourself then you don't want to be with a man like that and perhaps splitting is for the better.

Partners support each other, not hold them back.